Hi, this is a long back story but I (19F) and my boyfriend (20M) have been seeing each other for 10 mos (official for 8) and he is genuinely one of the only men I have ever dated that has made me feel cared for and safe. That being said we have ran into a lot of issues in our relationship especially surrounding the topic of jealousy. My boyfriend, let’s call him Kenny, has been through a lot in his past such as being abandoned by his parents, groomed, and cheated on, which has left him with severe attachment issues; he is constantly jealous and worried that I am cheating or lying to him. There are many cases where he has acted jealous at the sight/thought of me having a genuine interaction with another man. Now, I don’t want to go too far into detail, but I have talked about this with him in the past and I can see that he is improving. We are also trying to find a therapist for him because he admitted that he did have an issue.
Now, the situation that came about today is related to how me and Kenny were discussing my career future. I am currently in the process of becoming a mortician, which has been my dream for a while and he has been aware of that. While talking about this topic, he made a comment about how me seeing another man with a larger dick would make him sad, now this disgusted me for many reasons. Not only is he sexualizing my job, but he’s also showing insecurity and jealousy again over a dead body. When I confronted him saying that it’s weird for him to say that, he continued to back up what he was saying and even implied that I would be jealous if he saw a dead naked woman who had a fatter ass than me. Now this genuinely left me in shock, I felt truly disgusted by him in that moment and literally can’t process why he would say something like that. I tried to communicate with him and basically said that it’s weird of him to even think of that or imply that at all because it’s genuinely perverted. He then told me it was just a sick joke, and he only said that to get a reaction out of me. I really don’t know what to do at this moment because I truly do love him, like I said he’s the only man who I have dated that’s treated me decently and also excels in all other areas of our relationship. I really want it to work out with him but I’m just so disgusted I don’t have any clue what to do. Any advice?
42 comments
This is why mortuaries have a problem hiring men.
Just stand your ground on the position that human bodies are not inherently sexual and that you are capable of looking at human anatomy in a clinically detached manner.
Your boyfriend very much needs to get into therapy and this is where you need to draw the line. It does not need to be presented as a threatening ultimatum, but you need to put urgency on him finding a therapist, even if he doesn’t like them – it’s like trying on shoes, he can always ask for a referral for someone new, and get to unpacking these thoughts.
As for you, make sure you’re not sweeping huge issues under the rug because “he’s the first guy to treat you well”. You’re 19. He may be the first to treat you right, but he doesn’t have to be, and likely won’t be, the only one to ever treat you right.
Not wanting to be patronising but you’re 19, been with him for ten months, so when you refer to him as one of the only men you’ve ever dated that makes you feel safe, my inclination is to think this is your first ever adult relationship and you don’t realise how off the charts crazy this is. This is mind blowing levels of insecurity and should be setting off every alarm in your head.
My advice is to recognise that someone else’s insecurity is a problem that you can’t fix. It’s really important to realise that. You conforming to behaviour like that only leads to them being controlling as, whatever you do, the insecurity will always resurface and so they’ll try to restrict you further to feel more secure again. And the reason that happens is because imposing restrictions on a partner doesn’t get to the source of the insecurity, which is them.
He’s saying what? You can never be a mortician because he doesn’t like it? What other jobs are out? I mean, definitely not a nurse or doctor. Definitely not a lifeguard, too many in their speedos. Probably stay away from office work in case you end up in a room alone with a man.
He’s not even jealous of a corpse. He’s jealous of a hypothetical corpse that maybe has a big dick. He needs to go away and do some serious self-improvement.
He’s not “treating you right” if he’s telling you he’s jealous of corpses.
He needs therapy. And you need to move on because you are still a teenager and absolutely do not need to tie yourself to this person.
It wasn’t a joke. And it is disgusting. You are young and he sounds really hard work.
Even for Reddit this is a new level of insanity.
To quote Wanda:
“When You Look at Someone through Rose-Colored Glasses, All the Red Flags Just Look Like Flags”
You need to seriously take a step back and realise the sort of relationship you’re in.
Your boyfriend’s attitude is pretty sickening. As someone who had to entrust my loved one’s remains to a mortuary, it was tough for me because I felt like I was a failure (I couldn’t stop death, and even after death I couldn’t care for her properly). I don’t know who the mortician was, but my loved one’s body was returned to me and I appreciate the care and respect shown to her by a complete stranger. Anyone thinking sexually inappropriate thoughts, like your boyfriend is doing here, sickens me. It’s also disrespectful to the dead and the ones grieving for the dead.
He can only see women (even when dead) as a piece of meat, so he thinks it must be the same for you. Sad
This is way past jealousy. I’m genuinely concerned about his sanity and your safety in this relationship, his outlook is quite disturbing. You’re really under reacting.
I think, he’s probably not a bad dude but he’s got a lot going on and I think he probably shouldn’t be in a relationship right now. You are 19, just because he’s the first man to treat you well doesn’t mean he’s the only one who will. He needs time to work through his issues, but you don’t have to stick around while he does.
Lmao. Is this real? What a loser. Dump him. Follow your career. What an insecure child he is. These people are dead. It won’t get better with him, only worse.
sounds like he needs to stay far away from all mortuaries
This is a new low
Tell him you already know what huge dicks look like in real life. You will probably see random ones again on living people. Probably on very attractive men.
This is all true. Seeing a dead man dick is the least sexual context you will see them in. Can you watch movies with penis in them? Porn? Strip club or even random flasher. Unsolicited penis pics.
Sounds like he could use some therapy. As a man (51m) there is no shame in it, and it will help him get over these issues, or at least acquire the tools to overcome the artificial restrictions they put on his life.
Also, you’re young, really young. To be 19 again! If this relationship is not working for you it is ok to pull the plug. It’s up to you how much you are both willing to work through. There’s likely someone out there that will care for you the same or better, and not have that lingering jealousy.
This is so fucked up.
I don’t believe your bf was joking. When people make “sick jokes” they usually follow it up immediately with some kind of gesture, expression, laugh, statement, *something* to let you know they were joking. He didn’t do that.
If your bf accepts responsibility, admits there’s something wrong with him, apologizes and starts therapy, *maybe* stay with him. Otherwise, run like hell.
I had to reread the title- he’s jealous of… Embalming?? What a strange thing to sexualize
Omg this can’t be real? He’s upset there are naked dead people? What are you gonna do. Wake up old grandpa Jones give him a stiffy and have a good Ole time?
He might want to fuck dead bodies (that’s weird) but you’re a woman you legit can’t.
In my opinion:
Being jealous of dead people around their SO is really bizarre. What the fuck does he think you’re going to do, say “holy fuck that’s a nice dick” get on the corpse with a cowboy hat and say yeehaw?
He needs to get a hold of his insecurities fast, imho through professional help. But I’m not a medical professional in any way shape or form.
I’ve been there before at your age. I got my first real boyfriend and I thought he was treating me right. It turns out I just didn’t know any better. I don’t want to patronize you, but listen to everyone saying this is a horrifying red flag. You can do so much better
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
What the heck is happening to Reddit? I think half the posts I’m seeing lately are made up. I sure hope this one is fake, or gawd help us all.
Coming from a 28F mortician who has dated my fair share of weirdos, you need to let this one go.
Embalming is probably the least sexy thing ever, and your boyfriend is never going to understand that. You are immersed in a intricate spiritual process of taking care of someone’s loved one and making them look peaceful for their final goodbyes. He thinks you’re just staring at corpse dicks all day. He’s not going to understand your perspective on this without some serious therapy and reframing.
You deserve a partner that fully supports you in this career, especially with the sensitive nature of the job. There’s going to be sad days, exhausting days, and days where you see terrible things you wish you’ve never seen. You need a partner that is empathetic and supportive in these times, not one that is insecure about the dicks you may or may not have seen that day. Focus on the career that you feel so passionate about and don’t let this man hold you back from your mortuary dreams!
He’s not the one. Not only did he get jealous over a dead body, but he told you he wished you had a fatter ass. This IS him. Therapy isn’t going to change/fix him.
He’s NOT the one.
Dude ur bf needs therapy more than you thought if he’s sexualizing and jealous of dead bodies….
This is not normal….
And i thought guys who didn’t allow their gf’s to have any guy friends were bad. He thinks you’re gonna cheat on him with a dead body?
Just because they have stiffies doesn’t mean you wanna hop on their corpse….🤮
Another 28F mortician chiming in. He doesn’t understand the bare minimum, and his insecurity and jealousy are clouding his ability to be sympathetic. You deserve someone who knows it can be an (often) emotionally draining field and supports you. My bf has never made a comment even CLOSE to this.
It’s not adding to his abandonment to recognize he can (and should) be able to work through these things without hurting you in the process. It’s protecting yourself, your mental health, and your future/career. I know it feels wrong to believe it in a first big relationship, but there ARE people out there who will provide you the same feelings of love and safety without the pain. And working in this field, it’s important to be able to siphon out “the weirdos” in the beginning stages.
If you want to work it out, explain how hurtful his insecurities and misunderstandings about something you’re passionate about are. Tell him you’re doing this without his permission, and his issues are entirely his. If you want to be nicer about it, help him find that therapist, but don’t let him push it off indefinitely. Set a hard date and enforce boundaries. You can understand someone’s root issues (abandonment, grooming, cheating) while respecting yourself and telling them you won’t continue standing for their mistreatment.
I think some replies are rightfully harsh due to the nature of his comments in relation to our field, but this is a universal problem (to a potentially dangerous extreme). This sounds like it would happen no matter what job you went into. He’ll be jealous of co-workers, fellow students, friends, family, etc., and if it’s bad enough he’ll try to control you to deal with those feelings. His initial attachment injuries are going to keep causing him more attachment injuries until he’s able to understand himself enough to stop the cycle. I’d be surprised if you haven’t already faced some of this in your relationship.
Trust me, I was him, and I lost good friendships by behaving the way he is (not about death, but due to insecurity), and I deserved to lose them. He may truly not be ready for a relationship before doing a lot of work. He might initally see it as another person leaving him, but if he does the work, he’ll realize it was on him. It’s not your fault that he’s this way, and it’s not your job to fix him or stand by him while he figures it out. Do what’s right for you, OP. Don’t give anything up for him or you might one day find you’ve given everything up.
Hun, he’s sexualising a corpse. Run away. I know everyone jokes about reddit saying to break up every time but like this is one of the times. That’s a super gross and weird thing for him to do and you’re only 19, he’s not a fixer upper.
You’re putting in MASSIVE amounts of effort to “fix” your boyfriend (who, honestly, NEEDS a lot of fixing). That is NOT okay! It’s not your job to “fix” him; you weren’t put on earth to sacrifice your life, your needs, your wants to “fixing” someone else.
More to the point, ***you need “fixing”!*** If this wildly jealous and insecure man is “*one of the only men I have ever dated that has made me feel cared for and safe*” then **YOU need to get into therapy to find out why you attract abusive men**. Until you “fix” yourself and deal with your emotional needs, you will have one toxic relationship after another.
Please, **if you want a happy, healthy fulfilled life**:
* **stop dating this guy**
* f**ocus on studying and working** towards becoming a mortician
* **get yourself into individualized therapy/counseling** – your school may offer resources to students, if not, find another counselor somewhere, if you truly can’t afford it then start reading self-help books. They’re free at the library, cheap in 2nd-hand bookstores, and available online as e-books. Read at least 2 a month for at least 6 months! You can read actual excerpts on Amazon or Goodreads to see which ones seem to appeal to you and your relationship problems.
* **if you’re going to date, do it** ***casually*** *–*no more serious dating until you’ve addressed your problems **with a professional** so your serious relationships from now on will be happy, healthy, and productive!
By autumn of 2024, you could in a completely new and healthier life! But you have to **start making the changes now** and commit to them. Commit to “fixing” **YOURSELF**, not others! Spend that love, attention, time, caring on YOU…it’s not selfish, it’s necessary!
He has severe attachment issues, he acts jealous for simply talking to another guy …. This is NOT the guy for you, he has big issues and thats before he made that disgusting comment and you do NOT want to be weighed down by his baggage when you are trying to make a life for yourself
That disgust you felt, dont shove it under the rug, thats your genuine response to his comment, dont try to cover it with the blanket of i love him
Even if it wasnt genuine insecurities of his, but an actual sick joke, you gotta wonder why he felt the need to get a reaction out of you
Why would someone who claims to care for you, feel that need???????
He is NOT treating you decently though, his jealousy issues, which you described as many times for sight/thought, so just the THOUGHT of it makes his ugly jealousy rear its head
He has shown you many times who he is and he needs years of therapy to overcome his issues, thats not a slight at him, its from personal experience, you deserve so much MORE
Focus on your future, become the mortician you always dreamed of being, and find yourself a partner who supports you, doesnt try to get a reaction out of you and isnt jealous at the mere thought of speaking to another man or seeing a dead bigger penis
I think you already know the answer. But please, you don’t have to try to make things work just because he’s the only man who’s “decent.” You’re very young and you’ll find someone else who’s a great partner and then you’ll probably be thinking “thank god I didn’t stay with the necrophilia guy, that was fucking weird.”
His reaction to your disgust was to try to play it off like a joke. If he actually recognized his problem and 100% wanted to work on it, he would at least give you an honest apology. I don’t think he actually realizes that it was a sick thing to say driven by a very irrational fear.
Girl you are 19, him being the only decent man you’ve ever dated is a numbers issue. Drop him and run FAST in the other direction.
Girl I am afraid for you. Bc your bf seems unhinged and by that comments dangerous for you.
Heart to heart- he is in a straight path to become abuser or necrophile/ sex offender. Or both.
Do you really want to stick around and find out on yourself?
If anything – love yourself and stay safe. He needs serious help.
Honey, you can’t fix this man. He is broken. Unless he does the work with a licensed therapist, you’re going to have issues forever.
What I didn’t know when I was younger was that I can leave a relationship for any reason, and I don’t need permission or acceptance from my partner.
It wasn’t a “sick joke”. He meant every word of what he said and only tried to take it back once he realized he said too much and revealed his true nature. You shouldn’t feel safe with him at all. I understand that you may be conflicted, but I think his past is clouding your judgement. If you were dating someone who said that to you with a straight face who didn’t have that sort of trauma, would you still excuse this behavior? Dump him and find someone better.
Mortician here. Girl, you are entering an incredible field. It’s going to be challenging, draining, consuming, and so so worth it. You’re also going to gain a unique perspective on life: mainly, it’s unpredictable and too short.
This industry is also incredibly taxing on romantic relationships. You’re going to miss date nights, coming home late reeking of formaldehyde and decomp. You’re going miss holidays with your partner because you had the honor of giving a baby his last bath in order to get him ready for his parents to see him for the last time the next day. You will have days where you come home and can’t speak about what you saw, but simply need support from your chosen person.
Your career will be so demanding that the easiest part of your day MUST be when you come home to your partner, otherwise EVERYTHING will crumble.
And let me tell you, it’s all worth it.
He is already failing you. It will not get better, it will get worse. Imagine having to stay 4 hours late to embalm a 35 year old victim of suicide so that his young wife, children in tow, can hold his hand and cry over his body. Will you come home to a gentle hug? Or will you come home to accusations of infidelity and suspicions?
Not to mention what he said is just so far beyond tone deaf, it’s disturbing that those thoughts are even in his mind.
Leave now. Prioritize your career, and wait to commit yourself to the person who deserves it.
Not to be hyperbolic, but this kind of extreme, irrational jealousy is a classic early sign of an abusive relationship. It being rooted in his trauma doesn’t make it better or okay, it’s still on him to not perpetuate that abuse and trauma to other people.
Word of advice: If it takes you getting upset for someone to say, “it’s just a joke” it’s not a joke. They’re covering their ass and gaslighting to make you look inferior and make them out to be the good guy. Dump him. His issues are going g to take years to heal and that is NOT YOUR JOB. (I emphasize that because guilt, empathy and understanding can make you stay longer than you should for your own safety and happiness). It doesn’t make you a bad person.
I understand that you like him and want it to work out as I’ve been in relationships like this myself but this guy has some serious mental health issues that require professional help and I think he really should prioritize getting that help over having a relationship. You seem like a very smart, ambitious, and driven young woman and this guy is going to hold you back, so to speak.
You’re only 19 years old and just getting started being an adult. You deserve the best in your relationships and you’ll meet some good guys and some not-so-good as you move forward in your young life. The thing is that as a budding mortician you should have a close up view, better than most people your age, of how short life really is. I don’t think you should waste time, at least for now while you’re in training, on a guy with these issues.
Your boyfriend’s ability to sexualize a dead body is the reason Morgues prefer to hire women.
Wtf man I get he has those past traumas but if he is acting this way he needs to work alot on himself before he gets jnto a relationship that level of insecurity and also disrespect to u and the dead would be a hard no from me
This man is jealous of your work with dead bodies. This is beyond ridiculous. Let’s assume you did give up your *work* for him. You haven’t been dating long- what happens when he decides that he is jealous of the check out clerk that’s a man, or you aren’t allowed to go to dinner alone because…men…, or you can’t have any male friends or male acquaintances? What happens when he decides he doesn’t like you looking at actors in movie? I’d he is jealous of dead bodies there are no limits.
Also I assume this means you can’t work with ppl in any capacity. So no to nurse, doctor, physician assistant, phlebotomist, receptionist, server, sales clerk…
Also… does this mean he finds female dead bodies attractive and would potentially have… relations… with them?
Listen. I wish someone had told me this when I was 19, but you were not put on this earth to spend all your time convincing and cajoling someone’s son into being a better person. He isn’t someone wonderful buried deeply under prejudice and sexism, and even if there potentially is it isn’t your job to excavate it. The most you can do is not enable and show very real consequences to their behaviour and/or insanity, and that often means saying goodbye, good luck and moving on and as far away as possible.
Sorry, but he is being super creepy if that makes him jealous. I would break up with him definitely.
I think at the point at which someone is jealous of dead bodies, you need to think long and hard about what you’re doing here. This is 100% a break up situation. You cannot fix this kind of intense pathology. He needs help. The fact that he said those things out loud to you and didn’t see anything wrong with it is, quite frankly, appalling. You seem super cool and your job is awesome! You deserve a better dude.