So my wife of 20 plus years tells me she would like an open marriage. She says to her sex is just sex if it’s just a physical attraction. She admitted to being physically attracted to men she sees at her work. I told her we are all human and we all will see someone we are attracted to but it on how you act on it is what is the issue. She says she don’t want relationship and dates or any thing like that just sex, but not with a stranger with someone who is a friend but still no connection with that person. That sounds confusing because it is, she made no sense. I don’t know if she is asking for permission or forgiveness. I’m assuming she has someone in mind but she says she don’t. With her past I’m sure he does, we have had issues before. I just would like to know what others think of the sex is just sex comment coming from a married woman. What do you all think?
Edit, I haven’t been able to read everything as of this moment but I would like to address one thing. We do not have a dead bedroom at all. I had been the one for many years wanting to try this and that in the bedroom and she would always say no. She never liked talking about sex at all or when I would say something she would always get pissed and tell me to stop talking like that. This has been a gradual change over the course of a couple years.
28 comments
If she has not already done it, she has a guy all picked out and ready to go in the wings.
I’m betting they bhave already at least been in contact physically, if not full on sex.
If she is asking for an open marriage she has someone in mind or she is asking for permission after the fact go get a lawyer and start the divorce process it’s over
Your wife wants to cheat on you or already has and is asking for a free pass.
If I were in your situation, I’d end the marriage and let her go. If you say no, she will do it anyway. If you say yes, you won’t feel the same ever again.
If you aren’t 100% into then tell her that if she sleeps with someone then that’s it.
I got that conversation after 30 years. Granted, it was about my needs in a sexless marriage, and she brought up the subject.
I got onboard because a marriage without intimacy is hell… There’s more to it, but way too much for a comment.
Long story short, she filed for divorce around 3 months later.
There’s a good chance she’s already checked out and this is step 1 of executing her exit strategy.
It may not be too late for couples therapy, but dude, move fast if you want to save this thing.
EDIT:
my lawyer told me that these cases in long term marriages became close to half her caseload post pandemic, and always initiated by the wife.
She’s asking for forgiveness. You’re no longer married and there’s no coming back from your wife’s behavior. Best to make it official.
If sex is just sex then marriage is just a contract. And since sex is just sex and she is going to have it with others then a contract is just a contract and you are going to simply terminate it.
Putting aside the “has she already cheated” stuff, which is of course possible but nobody other than her actually knows.
The direct question being, “Is it possible for sex to just be sex, and not mean anything.” I mean, yes, for some people, it is. Physical intimacy is not emotional intimacy, per say. Now, endorphins are released during sex that effect the brain. The euphoric feelings post-sex are often confused with love, so people “catch feelings.” It’s often really, really hard for most people to disassociate the two.
But it’s not impossible. If it was impossible, there wouldn’t be porn stars. Would it be possible for a person to completely disassociate emotional connection from physical satisfaction? Yes, 100%.
But you don’t have to see it that way, and if it’s not for you, then it doesn’t really matter whether or not it is for her. You can’t get past that, and there’s only one way to deal with that problem.
Kinda sounds like she’s lying to you. If sex is sex then why does it have to be with someone she knows at work?
My assumption is that she’s already emotionally cheating on you with one particular person and wants your permission to take it to the next step.
Tell her she’s free to do what she wants with whomever she wants just not as your wife.
Sorry brother – read through the threads here. 90% of the time when an SO approaches out of the blue and asks for an open marriage the following occurs:
1. They already started – they are just looking for cover to not be a cheater
2. They’ll tell you that it’s just sex – it may start like that but it never ends like that
3. They’ll tell you you are perfect and say to you you can have fun too. The reality is if you don’t look like Brad Pitt and are rich its infinitely easier for a woman to find someone to sleep with her than a man.
4. They say they’ll be careful and use protection – they won’t
5. They’ll say that it will be discrete – they will tell their BFF and it will eventually get out. Then all your BFFs that have had their eyes on her will try to get in her pants as well. She of course will love all the attention
6. They’ll do things with and to their AP that they’ve never offered or done with you
7. They’ll eventually meet someone that offers more (on paper) than you do and she’ll ask for a divorce
Now here’s what you’ll feel/do:
1. You might accept at first to save your marriage – it won’t
2. Your resentment and anger will build and poison whatever is left. It will be her fault but she’ll lay it all on you. You accepted the open marriage.
3. If you find someone that is better than your wife you’ll be the bad guy because at some point you’ll realize that you would be better off divorced. She’ll play the victim to whomever will listen.
4. When the truth comes out your friends and family will question what the hell where you doing this for.
5. Kids will know whats going on – better two loving households than one where one or the other parent is out dating and the other is miserable. Not something you want your kids to accept as normal.
6. She can still get pregnant. It happens. Odds are it wouldnt be yours.
7. If you have too much fun she’ll show up and want to close the relationship. Remember this has nothing to do with you. This is about her selfishness and selfish people hate it when others are having more fun in a situation that they created.
Open relationships seem to work when both partners have already had experience or that’s all they’ve ever known. Watch this video – [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nALP-EYOaMc](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nALP-EYOaMc)
You’re the husband in this scenario – my opinion – cut out the middle man and get a lawyer. If you say no she’s going to cheat anyway.
You’re protecting her feelings too much. Tell her if she’s not getting what she wants out of your sex life together, then she can either communicate what turns her on or you can divorce her so she can go “just have sex” with someone.
At this point, you’ve got nothing to lose by being radically honest about how you feel towards her. If you don’t draw a hard boundary, she’s going to cross it and ask forgiveness. She might even feel like you’re too passive in your relationship right now which is why she’s looking for excitement elsewhere. Stop being passive. Don’t coddle her. She’s an adult and she can handle the truth.
Also, she thinks you couldn’t pull a lady if you wanted to. You should prove her wrong. Not saying to cheat, but make sure she knows how lucky she is to have you.
Open marriages never work if both partners do not actively want this for themselves! This will end badly. I would tell her this is a firm boundary for you and that you entered into this marriage monogamous and expect it to stay that way. If she would like to sleep with other men, then divorce is the only option. Ask if that’s what she desires because that will be the consequence.
If my husband even asked me for an open relationship, our relationship would be over. How do you recover from knowing your spouse wants to fuck other people?
Absolutely not okay.
Sex is just sex for some people. It’s more for others.
What other people think doesn’t matter. What your wife thinks doesn’t matter. Are you monogamous? Did you sign up for monogamy?
You dont have to open your marriage and you should not unless you BOTH want it.
Don’t let her bully you. Don’t let her tell you what sex should be for YOU.
If she keeps pressing you after you said no, serve her with divorce papers. Then she can have sex with whoever she wants.
lol i think “open marriage” order is
– im unhappy here’s my issue
– seems we can’t work this out, let’s see what solutions might exist
– opening the marriage is one, what do you think
– we’re both okay with this okay let’s try it, here are the conditions
– i will start looking for someone to open the marriage with
– here’s who i chose, we’re on board with this plan right
– i did the thing, how do we feel?
– is this something we should continue doing?
not
– i wanna bone this guy
– let’s open the marriage
If you don’t agree you will be forever paranoid, dump her
I’m so sorry man. Idk what the fuck is going on with this mindset becoming more and more common. When did we stop identifying sex as a personal and emotional experience? When did it just become “sex”? Why is that normalized? Sex is an extremely intimate thing, idc what anyone says. Hate to say it, but your marriage is over dude. Get lawyered up :/
God, the is open marriage/open relationship crap is so infuriating. It’s all a load of crap. There’s like 0.0000001% of people who can manage an open relationship (mostly because they’re basically just single, living with or not living with their good friend who they also have sex with).
It’s just a load of bs. Divorce her. Go find someone who respects you.
Bull… shit. She just wants permission to cheat
She gave you a head start on divorce preparations.
Her comments of sex is only sex, she doesn’t crave a connection and her comment of wanting it to be a friend and not a stranger are completely contradictory of each other. She clearly has someone in mind who she already *does* have a connection too, I would assume a coworker as you touched on.
She probably already did it bro
She is already cheating on you.
Some people feel that way, whether they are married or not. I agree most folks get crushes or are attracted to others, and in happy, monogamous relationships we chuckle and shake our heads and make sure we’re never alone with those people and we don’t cross any boundaries. Sounds like your wife does not want to be in a monogamous relationship anymore. Are you comfortable with the two of you sleeping with other people? If not, it’s probably time to call a lawyer.
Has everyone really just skipped over the sentence:
“with her past I’m sure she does, we have had issues before”?
This sounds like she has cheated in the past, and you took her back anyways. If so, this should act as the final reason to seek divorce.
Such a deal breaker!
Absolutely not!
She’s saying you’re not enough for her. Screw that!
Your wife is definitely cheating on you in her heart, is definitely close to at least one guy at work and either desperately wants to bang him, or had been for some time and wants to stop hiding it.
Cheating behavior means she’s a cheater.
Once a cheater, always a cheater!
Contact an attorney and prepare to divorce her lying, cheating ass!
Get your stuff ready to move out, or pack hers when she’s at work.
You must not allow her cheating to hurt you any more than it already will.