Hi everyone, I’m in a bit of a pickle here.
My wife has always struggled with staying on top of household chores. We share chores fairly evenly (or at least are meant to) but lately I noticed she was slowly doing less and less. I work from home, and she is a part time student and part time server at a restaurant. Since I’m around the home more, I sort of just begrudgingly picked up the slack and did my best to keep the house in decent shape.
This has led to a bit of tension, which finally came to a head today when we had a bit of an argument about the possibility of getting a new puppy. The crux of the argument was something along the lines of me saying *”I can’t believe you even think we’re in a place where we could consider getting a new puppy when we can’t even keep the house clean as is!”*
This statement really hit a nerve, and she went off on me saying “It’s not like I *want* to have a sink full of dishes, have no clean laundry, not **brush my teeth or shower**, I just don’t have any time between my job and my schoolwork to do any of it!”
This caught me completely offguard. I’d been so focused on keeping the kitchen clean, somehow I’d missed the fact that my wife had been showering less and not brushing her teeth. I guess lucky for me, even when she doesn’t shower, she doesn’t get particularly bad BO. I asked her what the longest she’d went without showering was, and she said it was probably around ten days.
Now, while I can theoretically just do all of the chores myself, I don’t feel like I can really do anything about her not taking her personal hygiene seriously.
She says she feels completely overwhelmed thinking about all of the stuff she needs to do, and so when she’s not at work or doing school homework, she ends up doing nothing.
I think it’s relevant to mention, my wife has ADHD. She used to take medication for it, but stopped taking it because it gave her a racing heartbeat as a side effect. I’m no psychiatrist, but from my limited knowledge about ADHD, inability to properly prioritize chores and self care tasks is a common symptom. Lack of motivation to use one’s downtime to tackle minor household tasks seems like another one.
I’m not sure what to do. She does have a somewhat tight schedule, but nowhere near the degree where I’d think it would make sense to forego physical hygiene. Showering takes like ten minutes, plus a little more to dry her hair. It’s not like she’s working twelve hour days and then going straight to bed when she gets home. She has a few hours after she gets back from work and finishes her homework where she just enjoys some TV shows and video games.
I love her and want to help her, but I also feel betrayed by how partnerless I feel in times like this. I don’t want to take away her precious free time, but I can’t understand prioritizing watching TV and playing videogames over taking necessary showers. But given that medication also seems off the table, I’m worried I’m going to be stuck with a smelly partner who can’t bring herself to help with the chores.
How can I help my partner get back to a place where she’s on top of basic stuff?
tl;dr: Wife is so overwhelmed by her daily school/workload that she now struggles to maintain basic personal hygiene.
Edit: For what its worth, my wife does excel at her job and has perfect grades. So although she’s struggling to find the motivation to keep the rest of her life on track, she is at least succeeding at the things she is prioritizing.
34 comments
How can you help your wife? Learn a bit more about ADHD, would be a good start. Maybe do a simulation where you’re trying to get something done, and you are distracted every couple of minutes, and see if it takes you longer.
To be fair, your wife should also consider going back to the Dr. There are many medications that can be used to help her focus, but it is unfortunately trial and error to find one that works for her.
She sounds depressed. This is how I was when I was depressed (although I still showered daily). Therapy (CBT) may be a starting point. I don’t know where you are in the world but you can get online courses which are cheaper than in person, or maybe even free if you qualify.
Yeah… you married a disorganized slob.
Congratulations.
> “This medication had an unwanted side-effect, so I’ll just quit and *do nothing instead*”
What kind of big-brain reasoning was that?
Then she goes back to the doctor and finds a different treatment option.
They put her on meds for a reason.
She needs to address her ADHD.
Has she had any issues in the past with depression or anxiety?
Yep, in my experience as someone with anxiety, depression and adhd, it’s really hard to stay on top of everything when you’re already highly functioning in two things. Obviously, seeing a doctor is the correct course of action but she has to want to seek help for herself. I can confidently say seeking help is going to feel like an extra task for her. When my loved ones feel like that, I offer to set up their appts for them.
As far as where you come in, it’s ultimately up to you. You can’t make her do anything but (if you want to), you can try and think of ways to lessen her burden. Examples; calling the doctor for her, getting her info so you can set stuff up for her. I am no way saying it’s your duty to do this. But you’re asking for ways to help her…. that’s how you phrased it anyway.
What I really got from your post is “how can I encourage her to help around the house and keep her clean so I don’t have a smelly partner?”
She may just need guidance, a clear task laid out on a chore chart. Some type of routine that feels easy.
As for hygiene, well again she ultimately has to choose that for herself but maybe you can help by filling a warm bubble bath for her after a long day.
If these things feel like chores to you, maybe you also feel a bit overwhelmed and should look into help to manage your life as well.
Lastly, honesty is the best policy. You can tell her how much all of this is affecting you. Ask her if she’d be willing to get help and ask her if there’s any way you can help with that.
If she’s not willing I think it’s time to reconsider what you want/need.
There are other medicines for adhd that are not “uppers” and will not cause that adverse reaction. Along with therapy. Some of this might be executive dysfunction, but some of this sounds like depression as well. Whether she wants to take medicine or not she needs to speak to a therapist regularly.
I struggled like this when I was wallowing in depression. This sounds like some variation of mental illness.
She needs to get back to her doctor and talk about the problems she had with her medication and her issues with being overwhelmed so easily.
Do whatever you need to do to facilitate that.
I have adhd and can get overwhelmed in this way when not on meds. It’s hard enough even when medicated. She needs to try different meds as there are ones that don’t have those side effects but it’s trial and error until you figure it out.
She need to get her ADHD sorted. If that doesn’t happen, you’re pissing in the wind.
First, don’t get the puppy. You guys can’t handle it right now.
Second, do both of you a favor and spend some time studying what ADHD really is. I have it and it’s much more than having a hard time doing those things. Yes, most of us can force our way through it, but it can be an extraordinary mental and emotional stress to do it. Also, don’t get the new knowledge and just tell her. Try to get her to gain a deeper understanding on her own. None of us take kindly to someone else telling us how we’re fucked up and why.
Finally, there are alternatives to stims for people who don’t handle stims well. Granted, stims are the main treatment for a lot of reasons, but there are a wide variety of treatments available.
Over our paygrade.
Therapy. Medication. You need to stop enabling.
ADHD usually has comorbidities. Meaning, paired with an additional mental disorder. Sounds like depression. Lack of self compassion. Accountability and responsibility. Deflection and defensive.
You cannot force her to change. She needs to want to do this for herself. If she doesn’t see the point. Your values are no longer aligned and you either need to make peace with it. Or ignore it and pretend it’s okay. And then regret not addressing the issue sooner or regret continuing the relationship.
You need to communicate your values. Your concerns over her lack of self care. Or consideration of how you feel. How she would be perceived. And how this is not how you envision your futures together.
A tell-tale sign of mental illness is someone’s hygiene. She needs help. IF she wants it.
She may be a wonderful person. But her breath shouldn’t smell wilder than her ass.
You’re going to feel resentment and treat her like a child/partner. You view the dog as a new chore for you because we all know she likes the idea of being a dog owner. But she won’t do what it takes to be a responsible owner.
All valid concerns. Remember, love also means you have expectations of your partner that are reasonable and healthy. Boundaries will be tested but shouldn’t be ignored because she’s so great in all these other areas. Those are all excuses.
Sounds like she’s depressed. I had really bad depression for years that made it hard for me to do basic things like that.
Your wife has time management peoblem problem. Help her come up with a schedule to manage her time and hygiene better.
Nobody is that busy to point where they stop personal hygiene altogether. She’s going to have to get up a little earlier to manage her time better.
No don’t get the puppy because that’s just one more thing added to your plate because your wife isn’t going to help out that much.
She needs to go back to a doctor for her adhd. Sounds like a really bad period of executive dysfunction. I go through spells myself where even the most routine tasks are gargantuan chores. Proper meds and lifestyle changes really help get that eased up.
So to get this straight. She has no time for chores or to even shower or brush her teeth but.. she does think she has time for a puppy?
It’s only going to get harder when she graduates
You two need a plan and to address this before she has a nervous breakdown
How much longer does she have in school?
I can sympathize with your wife as I have been in her spot of being a full time worker during the day and part time student at night and feeling like you just want some down time.
You could try giving her one chore at a time. Like Monday (or whatever day works with her schedule) she cleans the toilet. It takes less than 5 minutes to squirt the cleaner and scrub. And just every Monday that’s her job. If it helps her, you can have a little calendar for the month in the bathroom with “toilet” written on each Monday and she gets to cross it off after she does it. Have her pick an approximate time she plans on doing it, so that if it’s not done by then you can prompt/remind her.
Then after a month or so, give her another chore for another day. Like Tuesdays she cleans the microwave. Again, 5 minutes to spray and wipe. And again, she does this each Tuesday and gets to cross it off, etc.
Then after a month or so you can add another chore to another day of the week, like Wednesdays. The key is to not let her get overwhelmed by feeling like she has to clean everything at once causing her to shut down. Little manageable tasks spread out.
As for the hygiene: When I was overwhelmed, I set alarms. I had one alarm that signaled I had 30 minutes left to start getting ready for bed. It meant I could watch one more episode of a show, but not start a movie. Then the second alarm meant TV is off and I have to go brush my teeth and shower. Obviously she would set her alarms for whatever time frame works for her.
You may need to sit down and look at her schedule with her to help her figure out where brushing teeth and showering will fit. Perhaps she showers after dinner before she sits down to watch TV? Or wherever it works.
There are people balancing more demanding schedules… With kids… And if they have time to groom themselves then your wife has no excuse. Seems like a choice
My partner works almost 14 hours a day. He does a really though job and still have time to help me and wash his teeth and showering every day. I don’t know if she was sincere or joking but geez.. 10 days without a shower?! Especially in summer? She needs to showering!!!
Funny enough my wife was recently diagnosed with ADHD as well and have a similar story. I think girls/women are severely misdiagnosed in this field.
Upvote
You need to stand your ground and go to couple’s therapy if necessary. Don’t do extra chores or caretake her. The more you do, the more it will enable her to walk all over you. You will be setting new expectations and the baseline will be that you do EVERYTHING. You’ll burn out and resent her for this.
She needs to get back on her meds. ADHD meds are stimulants, racing heart beat is a normal and safe (if uncomfortable) side effect.
You both should read Keeping house while drowning by KC Davis. It reframes chores in a way that fit people with ADHD. There is even chapters that delas with showering and brushing your teeth. Helped me a lot! Read it and discuss how you can implement strategies that works for the both of you.
>She has a few hours after she gets back from work and finishes her homework where she just enjoys some TV shows and video games.
She isn’t that busy, she’s lazy. I mean I can skip a shower once or twice per week but for ten days? How does she go to work like that?
🤮
She needs to take care of her ADHD, but it’s unfair to you and you shouldn’t be the one being punished about it. She needs to take her health seriously. This is unfair for you because she won’t grow up and help herself become a better partner for you.
I feel your struggle OP. I was in a similar boat with a an ADHD/Chronically Depressed girlfriend for 7 years. Wanting a new pet while being unable to keep up with everyday chores and hygiene sounds very familiar. Try to nudge her gently to go back to the psychiatrist without judgement. She’s going to counter with saying she doesn’t have enough time. Best of luck, I hope your situation concludes better than mine did
I mean yeah she’s crazy to want a puppy. Her excuse that she’s too busy and stressed to do stuff is valid, but like, that means no she doesn’t get a puppy to also neglect = the teeth thing is non negotiable. As someone with adhd i also struggle with brushing my teeth consistently. But over the years, AS AN ADULT I have realized that I have to ACT LIKE AN ADULT and just take care of the necessary things. Maybe your wife needs treatment and medication to assist her to doing her daily tasks
>I sort of just begrudgingly picked up the slack and did my best to keep the house in decent shape.
You have such a resentful attitude towards your wife already. You had no idea she wasn’t showering or brushing her teeth so that doesn’t play into it. You talk like she’s someone you tolerate instead of your life partner. Working from home vs student/service industry job I would expect the WFH person to do more housework. Now you have new info about not showering, it’s time to insist that she focus on her mental health. That’s obviously not normal.
There’s no way the issue isn’t the ADHD. I’m no doctor and I don’t have ADHD, but I have to imagine there’s more than one medication your wife could try?
Im gonna get straight to the point. Your partner is nasty. You yourself said a a shower takes like 10 minutes. Brushing teeth takes like 4-5 minutes. She doesn’t have 15 minutes everyday for proper hygiene?
Her poor hygiene will start affecting your sex life cause who wants to be intimate with a woman who doesn’t bathe or brush her teeth? No man.
Good luck bro
Switch the genders and picture the response.