I (M22) and my gf (F22) have had an open relationship for a fortnight now.
Yesterday morning, we had sex. It was alright, or so I thought. She has this thing where she likes me to do all the work. We both finished and she went back to sleep.
Last night I had a hook-up with a girl from tinder, and it was amazing. She was incredibly horny and wet and skilled I could barely keep up. Hell, I couldn’t keep up period. She felt like she very much wanted me and to do it, you know? It was incredible.
I know I shouldn’t compare, it’s misoginystic and gross and all, but it’s inevitable. What I did with my gf, now feels barely like sex at all, more like something with a static doll. But she is the love of my life and I definetely want to keep an active sex life with her. What do I do, good people of Reddit?
46 comments
I’ll post this regardless of the downvotes it’ll get.
There will be the usual posts telling you about communication with your GF and how you should think about if you can be happy long term without having such sex. Those points are very much valid and I agree.
Different perspective, a bit more abstract:
This post is early twenties summarized. You develop a character and with it individual interests and likes. People develop a lot in that time. Consider yourself lucky to figure out something like the so early. Or consider yourself unlucky because you got a taste of something you didn’t even know you wanted.
I’d say: Chill a bit, let some ideas float in your head, maybe talk to a friend and then make a decision and stick to it. It must not even be the correct decision (if there even can be correct or incorrect ones on this matter). Key is, to reflect and learn from your behavior in the long term. Twenties man, enjoy.
So at 22, you have an FWB (which is essentially what an “open relationship” is) and you got your world rocked by someone else. That’s called dating. Move on from the dead fish and find sex you enjoy.
Do what all relationships that last do, communicate.
secretlyasimp my ass lmao either communicate this w ur gf if its an actual open relationship , or break up her and get w the tinder hookup
I’ve never been in an open relationship but I was raised in a cult where we didn’t talk about sex. I was married for twelve years before my husband and I could talk about it. We started talking about it and suggesting new ideas to each other. Things that we want to try. Could you just casually bring up and idea to try every now and then? If you’re in an open relationship and she knows you were with someone else, you could say something like, hey, I think doing ….. would be very hot. 🤷♀️ And maybe ask if she has any fantasies?
How is one chick being better in the sack than the other misoginystic??? Sounds like it may of been a mistake opening the relationship.
My man, this is great news for you! What would the point of an open relationship be if everyone was exactly the same as your partner?
It can be a lot to take in, but as other commenters have said, take a breath. This is an opportunity for you to learn a little more about what you really like and (with all consideration and compassion) ask your main partner if she would like to change things up a little.
You’re barely 22 yo, it’s still too early to say that someone is the love of your life. Just enjoy the moment and don’t cling to the idea that you should be with someone forever, much less at that age.
So you are finding out you are not sexually compatible with your girlfriend. First step is communicating your needs in the Bedroom. She may or may not be willing to change.
Then you decide….stay and have sex you don’t enjoy. Or stay and no longer have sex with her. Or go.
Personally I would go, but I’m monogamous and need to be sexually compatible with my partner
First, your feelings aren’t remotely misogynistic or gross. Women in the same situation would be saying the same things.
Second, your current GF is a lazy lover and you’re now seeing that. Anyone who “has this thing where I do all the work” is just lazy. Doesn’t matter if they’re male or female, basically laying there and letting your partner do all the work is unfair to that partner. What’s happened is now you’ve been with someone who ISN’T lazy and actually participates. It’s going to be hard to accept someone who just lays there after this.
The woman you were with from Tinder may have been fantastic, or she may have simply been involved. You may run into someone else who truly blows you away in bed. The point is, unless your girlfriend is willing to do more than just show up, you’re only going to put up with it for so long. You now see what you’re missing, and it’s only going to be a matter of time before you have had enough. It’s up to you what to do about it.
Talk to your GF. Tell her that you need her to be an active participant when you two have sex. She may just not know any better, and she will hopefully want to up her game. If not, it’s going to be up to you what you do from there. I’m not going to say to leave, but I am going to say a good partner wants their partner to be happy just as much as they are. If she has no interest in improving you may be seeing your future in other matters as well.
Here’s the thing—some people really perform well during the first hookup because they want it to be incredible. The new girl may not be as energetic in bed always. She might stop giving head after the third time. She might not be great in other areas. You have no idea. It was one time.
Your gf could also become more energetic. Maybe she doesn’t know how to take charge but she would take your direction well and play a kinky sub role that excites you.
You don’t know if you make any decisions based on momentary comparisons. That said, this showed you more of what you like in bed. How exciting. Is your gf open to exploring more of that with you?
You think it’s misogynistic to compare the sex between them? How did you even come to that conclusion? You’re just having casual sex..go with who’s better for you.
How is it mysognistic?
This is why you dont open relationships instead of communicating
Isn’t that the point of an open relationship? You can have different needs met from different partners?
Give it time. Your hook up also had the benefit of NRE/risky, fun excitement.
I still don’t understand the concept of open relationships and never will. It’s pointless.
If she was the love of your life, you wouldn’t want to be in an open relationship with her.
just tell your girlfriend to participate more during sex and if she doesn’t want to then break up because you’re not sexually compatible. easy
“Love of your life” at 22? You want to do sex to a static doll for 60 more years? How do you know what you want in a partner when dating for only what? 4 yrs?
You can really love someone and also realize they are not going to be a good life partner. I have been with my partner for 20 yrs and I’m still super all in excited to have sex with him every time. We don’t do obligation sex around here and what you described aka “doing all the work” would be a serious issue. Sex like with Tinder partner is the norm.
However sex is only 1 of 6 reasons we are together : religion/beliefs, money mgmt, kid/parenting, family/in laws, sex and mutual respect for each other. Notice I didn’t say “love” bc love comes as a result of these things being in alignment. Plenty of people who felt love but didn’t have the others things and it doesn’t last long.
I am not at all against open relationships but usually they don’t work out of the 6 pillars are not strong in the primary relationship. Sounds like you are starting to realize some may need work.
Definitely talk to her. Tell her what you like and would like see change and maybe, adding someone to the bedroom every once and awhile could add some fun. Why not do it together and enjoy it together?
Is your partner seeing others as well or was the open relationship just for you?
Did she suggest it?
Is it possible that she feels bad at sex and wants you to have good sex so that means someone else? Or possible she doesnt like sex that much and finds it hard to tell you that?
I always laugh when i hear “the love of my life”. 99% of the time it’s “love of the moment”. Very few people have just one love. You’ll end relationships you thought were ideal. You’ll meet and fall in love with another. And another. And another. Even if you’re widowed after 30 years you’ll likely find love again. Don’t settle for someone who’s not your ideal when you’re young.
If she is truly the love of your life (I’m not saying I doubt this but you are young to know this to be absolute) then surely the passion and desire you would have for your gf would be limitless. To be able to connect on that level mentally would mirror itself when you connected sexually. I’m older and I’m lucky as I’ve experienced many different women, Ive always been open minded. The last woman I experienced literally blew me away, I connected with her on a level mentally that was pretty much without boundaries and the sex was a different level to anything I’ve known. It’s been 3 years since the last time we were physical together but I can still feel the passion rising up in me. This rewrote everything I knew to be true. I’m pretty sure she has similar feelings but I am 20 years older than her and we both have partners. You have so much ahead of you, the person that said you should chill, take it all in, process it, we are here for a short time, not a long time, but long enough where we can if we want experience many things. Imagine if that was the first time how much better it could get. The future is not yet written, the possibilities are limitless
You are only 22. It sounds less like an open relationship and more like one or more of you or your girlfriend is looking for a graceful exit.
Also I accept you love her but you are only 22 – your life so far has not been very long. Don’t write the script out for it just yet, keep an open mind.
Why is Misogynist to compare? One is good at sex the other isn’t.
The excitement of “the first time” should never be compared to the sex in a long-term committed relationship. Apples and oranges. Not at all saying sex in a long-term relationship is bad, because it can be great! But it will never be “the first time” after the first time.
You learned some new sex things. Now go back and teach them to the love of your life and have some fun, no criticism. That’s all
I know you don’t feel it, but you’re both pretty young. You’re in a time of your life where a lot of growth happens and you’re still figuring out what your wants and needs are. So take this one as a lesson in what you want from your partner, think on it a bit then have a serious conversation with her. Don’t say “hey this other chick was amazing why don’t you change?” But let her know that you would appreciate some enthusiasm because that turns you on. After you put the ball in her court you can decide if staying or keeping an open relationship is best for you, but you have to communicate or it will all fall apart no matter how much you love her.
Source: settled for someone sexually incompatible in my 20’s because I loved him. It did not work out.
It is possible for people to get better at sex, c’mon people.
Not have an open relationship…..
She is the love of my life and open relationship don’t go together… Sorry.
NTA, not misogynistic. You just found out that sex sucks with your starfish gf and, given that you’re already open, just bail. Or tell her and see if she gives enough of a shist about you to … like, move during sex.
>I (M22) and my gf (F22) have had an open relationship for a fortnight now. Yesterday morning, we had sex. It was alright, or so I thought. She has this thing where she likes me to do all the work.
So your girlfriend is a pillow princess/starfish
>Last night I had a hook-up with a girl from tinder, and it was amazing. She was incredibly horny and wet and skilled I could barely keep up. Hell, I couldn’t keep up period. She felt like she very much wanted me and to do it, you know? It was incredible
And the girl you hooked up with is an active participant
>I know I shouldn’t compare, it’s misoginystic and gross and all
It’s literally neither of those things?
And of course you’d compare them? If a woman posted here in the same situation, saying that her boyfriend lays there and gets her to do all the work, and the guy she hooked up with actually wanted to be involved in sex, would she be a misandrist/gross?
Of course not.
How there are so many comments, and nobody else has even mentioned this is beyond me. Without being harsh, your current girlfriend sounds like a lazy, inattentive lover, and sex with her sounds unenjoyable. Your hookup actually sounds like she pulls her weight in sexual encounters, and sex with her sounds much better.
I don’t have the ability to be in love with one person and fuck someone else.
Do yourself a favor and be single.
“She’s the love of my life”, but I fucked another girl last night…ha ha, I love it.
How is it misogynistic?
Lol how is it “misogynistic” to consider and evaluate what you want in a sex partner???
The internet has rotted brains
Help me understand how it’s misogynistic to compare your gf to another woman? You’re not hating on women
That’s why you keep your relationship open. Sex with your girlfriend is love, sex with a hookup os sex. If you love your girlfriend enjoy what the relationship is giving you (sense of safety, stability, love…) And let both of you enjoy the best sex ever outside the couple.
Just another perspective: As someone who has a personality disorder im a very dedicated sexual partner. I’ve had multiple men track me down over the years to reconnect because the sex was “so good”. But the thing is those highs come with their own lows so while I’m mind blowing in bed I can also be crazy irl lol just something to consider 🙈
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes
Is your gf seeing other men in this open relationship?
Was she always like this in your relationship?
Does she even have a high libido or no?
There needs to be more context. Also, you met this new woman one time. It is not a guarantee that she acts like this all the time during sex. Of course she’s going to put on her best performance on the first night of hooking up. You haven’t said anything else about your gf in a sexual context. How do you view sex? Is it only for you to get off or do you use sex to be closer to your partner?
Have the two of you even attempted to communicate? Or did the two of you or one if you clammed up and decided to go with a nuclear option in order to save the relationship?
If she really was the love of your life, I don’t think running into another woman’s bed is a best example of your love for her….
Don’t worry, she’s probably having mind blowing sex with other men too
OP, what did the girlfriend do exactly that was so amazing? Can you try to describe more what she physically did or whatever that made it so good for you? Trying to learn here (from female perspective).
Aren’t you just lucky to have that relationship open?
When my wife and I got together, we used to f#ck like animals. Then comes the relationship, love, kids, responsibilities. We don’t f#ck all the time anymore. We have 3 different types of sex; f#cking (the great, raunchy, experimental stuff), making love (romantic, kissing, eye contact, talking sweet), and sex (feels more like masturbation where we use each others bodies as a means to an end). It sounds like you and your SO have vanilla sex. Try and f#ck your girl. Order her around, do stuff that’s not normal, make animal noises, spank, pull hair, put your hand on her neck. See if she can adapt.