I don’t know my personality

I don’t know my personality. I don’t know who i really am or what kind of person I am.

My social skills are absolute bullshit. I always tried hiding that and running away from it by talking with different personalities with others just so they like me, or so I don’t say the wrong thing or just to not be awkward.

It’s so uncomfortable talking to other people, I never feel at ease. Before a conversation, I always tell myself to be a certain kind of person. Such as “yeah be cool” or “yeah be friendly” etc. And everytime I end up overthinking the conversation and what they thought about me.

I always dealt with low self esteem, anxiety, poor social skills, people pleasing and seeking validation from others.

God I just hate it when I’m talking to someone and they say a joke, and I laugh even if I don’t feel like it’s funny just because I don’t want to disappoint them.
It feels like I’m a slave to them, or im belittled or unimportant, I hate it, but I can’t bring myself to stop.

I just don’t know how I talk with people, and I always try to tell myself to talk to people by being myself, but who is myself? How do I talk?

I just wish to have a normal life where I am me, relaxed talking to people and not overthinking it. I just really want to find my personality and talk comfortably and make friends.