Hi all,
Just wanted to get some objective outside advice. I keep running into the same exact pattern over and over with dating and relationships. It is clear I am the common denominator but I can’t figure out what it is I’m doing wrong.
The issue is this. I always get pursued by a guy, told I’m amazing and they see a future with me, I’m usually hesitant because I have trouble trusting/believing it due to past experiences, I eventually let myself believe they like me and choose to trust their words, and then roughly at the 6-8 week mark they change and withdraw. Eventually reveal they either want to end things, just be friends, keep it relaxed, etc. All of a sudden all the effort and commitment from before just goes out the window. I don’t \*think\* I’m acting super different but I wonder if once I let go and actually let myself like them back that the “chase” is over so to speak? OR maybe I’m giving off desperate vibes without realizing it?? In the past 3 of these guys have come back over and over and have blown hot/cold and we’ve dated on/off. Eventually my confidence and self esteem ends up just shredded to bits and I end whatever is going on even though they beg me not to. Most recently I took a 4 year dating break and have been going to therapy, restarted all my old hobbies to build up my confidence after a string of these situations. I had been going on dates for roughly 6mo and then finally met someone I seemed to like and who I seemed to be on the same page about for all major things (finances, kids, how we live life and picture life etc.) Once again, he was putting in a lot of effort and asking insightful questions about me and saying how excited he was about me and what not. And then, on a dime, one random day he started barely texting me and eventually after about 3 weeks I asked to hang out again and he seems to have fully ghosted now?
I really don’t know what is going on. I surely must be doing something for this to happen over and over. Of course my female friends just tell me it’s the guys fault and I’m a catch lol. Although my guy friends to be fair have said the same. But I’m really having trouble believing that is the case. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
tldr: guys pursue me aggressively over and over and then leave at roughly 6-8 weeks. what am I doing wrong as the common denominator?
11 comments
Well, let’s start at the beginning. How are you meeting guys?
When getting into these relationships is it made apparent that you want a serious relationship, or is it more in the air (like maybe this could go into friends with benefits or something casual)? From what you wrote it seems like you and the person you date start casual and once they show interest you dive in and they are like “whoa I thought this was something casual”.
I think you are probably giving off vibes to normal suitors that you aren’t interested, and people with healthy boundaries don’t push themselves on people who aren’t interested. So by definition, anyone who doesn’t take the hint you aren’t interested is someone with an agenda and little empathy. You probably need to be more aware of what you want and stop listening to people who tell you a story about some pie in the sky future and bring it back down to earth until you’ve had enough time to get to know them to see if they actually fit into your life in a healthy way. Look up love bombing, that hard persue strategy is often a red flag by itself.
Are you sleeping with these guys? A bunch of guys will have a mask on up front to get sex from a woman
What would you say, if anything, do all these men have in common with each other?
Not to be a jerk, but are your stories always this vague?
Do any of your hobbies include taxidermy, “western history,” pickling, American Girl Dolls, or some other esoteric pursuit that only reveals its true dark nature after a certain amount of time?
If you actually want us to help you to blame yourself, you need to examine yourself a bit more thoroughly and give us some more details. So far you have provided us with “I date men, and ask them to hang out, and then they leave.” Given that info, these guys might be trash, or it might have been the wind that did it? Or perhaps a wizard? Maybe a toxic ex is stalking you and engaging in an elaborate smear campaign?
Or maybe something simpler is going on that you haven’t noticed or told us about? For example, what, explicitly, are your expectations from these dudes? What amounts of time and energy do you need from a partner? What sort of things do you offer to them, in so far as you value yourself as a person and a partner? These aren’t meant to be confrontational, but if you can’t answer those questions for yourself, you might try to do so and see how your answers sound to those you trust/ your therapist.
Have you ever tried *not* focusing on the future and the long-term implications of these initial exchanges? Or more to the point – do you *actually feel desperate* for companionship and a “normal life” with a man? A horny man is rather capable of entertaining hypotheticals and embracing morally and rationally acceptable stances temporarily, and when it is clear that’s all you’re thinking about, the only thing left after that horniness is gone is a mountain of expectations and presumably difficult work that their mid-30’s-but-still-single asses have been avoiding for quite some time. You may even be suffering from the “stepping stone” effect, i.e., you are dating men with low confidence who, upon receiving your affection, feel bold enough to venture further out to sea. Unfortunately, we cannot say, given the amount of detail provided.
I wish you luck.
It’s very hard to tell from the outside, but I think it could be the guys as well.
Sometimes you meet someone and think you’re clicking, they’re interesting. And when you get to know them better, you realise it’s not working. I think this mark (~6 weeks) could be pointing in that direction.
It might also be that they feel like you’re not putting in enough effort, because you’re hesitating to trust them.
I’m guessing you’re super busy at work or work crazy hours? I just looked at the title of your posts looks like you are in the medical field. If that’s the case, maybe they can’t handle the odd hours?
Honestly, I would stop looking and just go out and have some fun. Someone will all of the sudden come into your life and before you know it, you’re both falling in love. I know when I was looking for a partner I was never able to find the right ones. The longest was 1 year. I met my wife online when I had my wisdom teeth pulled during AOL era. We have been inseparable since. I was actually looking to get on the the MIRC boards back then.
How many of these men have _you_ rejected? Have you been truly excited about any of them or would you classify yourself as “being open minded”? The fact that you say that just as you’re getting excited they break things off makes me think the latter. It’s not inherently wrong to keep an open mind while dating, but it can lead to staying in a situation for longer than necessary.
I wonder if you need to be pickier, and be the one to break it off when you’re feeling lukewarm. I bet that you’re keeping some around that you kinda know aren’t quite the right match but you don’t have a great reason to break up and ultimately convince yourself that they’re kind of cool, but they also feel that it’s not quite right so go ahead and the plug for you.
You don’t sound like you have any red flags from what has been described. All I can say is keep trying. It’s a number game to a certain degree and finding a person you’re compatible with is not that easy for the long term. Just focus on having fun. I wish you all the best
I don’t think you’re doing anything *wrong* per se, but if someone says less than two months in that they see a future with you, you should just dump them and get it over with. That’s…really immature. In two months have you…seen them sick and/or angry? Met their family/had them meet yours? Talked about pets/kids/money/how you’re going to handle all of those things when something goes wrong? Have you even traded favorite colors/books/songs?
6-8 weeks you *barely* know each other. Them seeing a future is hormones talking; it’s not real. Hold out for someone who wants to get to know you first before going all in.