My [22f] girlfriend of almost ten years [21f] doesn’t want me to fuck her anymore.
We have been with our boyfriend of 2 years [21M] with no problems; the poly relationship isn’t the issue.
I have a low sex drive, so I don’t ask to join them with sex often, but when I do, usually it’s no problem; everyone has fun.
But one on one, I really only ask my girlfriend to fuck me (her on top), and I rarely top her because she never asks or brushes my advances off. Today, she asked our boyfriend to fuck her in the living room, he said no, so I offered, and she said she only wanted to have sex with him.
When I asked why, she said that it was because when I and she have sex, I im not dominant enough that I don’t take control away from her, and that she needs to be the dominant force even when I am the one topping her.
I don’t know how to feel, I’m not really sexually attracted to our bf, but I’m very attracted to her and some other people. (Strangers yk?)
I just need someone else’s perspective, I’ve asked to find my own partner sexually in the past, but neither of them were happy about me asking…
Please help.
8 comments
I’m confused.. You said you’re not dominant enough, but then you said that she wants to be the dominant one.
I think she’s pushing you to push back. Also if they’re against you having another partner. There’s an issue if your also being denied any attention.
This relationship doesn’t seem to be beneficial to you? What is the point of being in a poly relationship if your partners are limiting you? And you don’t feel attracted to your boyfriend? How does that work? Why is he your boyfriend then? I don’t wanna pry into anyone’s relationship but i genuinely don’t understand.
If you are not allowed to find other partners then this is a pretty unethical situation. As a polyamorous person this is not okay. Don’t let them limit you from finding other people if your needs are not met.
Well… you could try to be more dominant
I might be wrong. But it sounds like you have a girlfriend. And she has two boyfriends.
If your not sexually attracted to him, how is this working for you? Sounds more of a friend than boyfriend for you.
You’re going to have to talk to them about how you feel.
> I rarely top her because she never asks or brushes my advances off
It sounds like when she brushes you off she is either expecting you to push back, or she doesn’t see you as dominant enough to submit to.
> I’ve asked to find my own partner sexually in the past, but neither of them were happy about me asking…
Why do you need their permission? Are you allergic to advocating for yourself?
>Please help.
1) Your gf is being really shitty. She could encourage you to be more dominant. Instead she is disrespecting you, either to provoke you or just repulse you.
Also it doesn’t seem like she has any interest in your needs at all.
2) You seem incredibly timid, and bad at advocating setting boundaries. I think the best help I could offer you is that you need to figure out exactly what you want because then you can act on it. And if you don’t know, you need to at least work on yourself so you have the ability to make decisions later.
You also need to work on assertiveness.
Internally, you need to give yourself permission to make your happiness a priority. Your partners need to care about your happiness if they want you to care about theirs. And you need to be at a point where you can leave and say “no” to shit that you don’t want to do.
Dominance is not about taking away control. She should be saying be more assertive. It’s a use of BDSM terms in regular sexual activity that really seems to be giving the wrong idea/impression.
Does she want you to be rougher with her? Use fingers more? Hold her down? Penetrate her with a toy? It might be an idea to think about leaving the relationship and find someone who is more compatible with you.
You’ve got time to find a partner or partners that work better for you.