42M married for 17 years 43F. Things have been pretty rocky over those 17. No infidelity on my part and I don’t have any suspicion on her. Every time we fight she is “done”, things get resolved for the most part and we move on. However she holds grudges and doesn’t let go. I know she’s only around for the kids and because in her mind she has no where to go and won’t find a job since she’s been a stay at home mother for the last 15 years. This last fight which hasn’t been our worst she has stopped wearing the wedding ring I got her. I didn’t notice till yesterday when we were at a store and I saw rings and joked about getting her a new one. She responded with “Why?? I don’t even wear the one you got me, in wearing one I found. Then she looked me in the eye and said “we have unfinished business”. With a cold look. So she’s wearing a band to show she’s married just not the one I got her. It felt like a punch to the gut, wind was definitely taken out of my sails. We were out of the town with the kids so I had to go on and act like my heart wasn’t just ripped out. I know we need counseling and it’s been tough to find a counselor where I live and she’s now reluctant to go. I’ll still find one and set an appointment so I’m at least going to do my part. I know I shoulder most of the blame for the damage to our marriage but damn that one really hurt. I guess I’m at least happy she’s still wearing a ring but damn.
4 comments
Just being curious, I checked your post history. Usually there’s an obvious answer when seeing posts to NSFW subs or whatever.. But your last post here was you turning down a job that would triple your salary, so you could spend more time with your wife and kids. You two seemed to be doing well at that time.
Has something changed? Why do you blame yourself for the damage in your relationship? You don’t give much context.
Knowing you are to blame (assuming it’s mostly one sided here), are you getting the help you need? If you’re the problem, then you’re also the solution.
I’m going to give my opinion for what it’s worth based on my long experience with marriage, women and divorce. I am extremely curious about where she got the band she is wearing. She says she found it but didn’t say where she found it. Now I must be honest and tell you that I won’t trust a woman any farther than I can throw one. So when I hear a story like that I automatically go to the ring she’s wearing came from some HS BF or an AP. Someone gave her the ring and sentiment is why she wears it. To rub it in your face. I’m a damaged and flawed man I know. That doesn’t make me wrong though.
Your wife runs from conflict and difficult conversations. This is a pretty common behavior when people are overwhelmed. Couples therapy can help with this if you can get her to go.
If f not asking her “what is the unfinished business” seems like a reasonable follow-up.
It could be something as simple as her not liking the design of the one you bought (esp. If it’s a relatively new replacement) or of it not fitting correctly anymore. The look could have been because you are just now noticing something that she’s been doing for a long time if she feels like you’re not paying enough attention to her. I’d ask her outright why she doesn’t wear it and then decide what to do from there