Daughters of angry fathers, how did you heal?

34 comments

  2. We don’t. We’re resilient which is also a hindrance. I also shut down if dad raises his voice. He’s currently terminally ill and in the hospital and shockingly we are having some of the best visits we’ve ever had because he’s sober and clear. Sick and dying though as well. I will have to see if I can “heal” after he passes.

  3. Something visceral happens to me when people get loud and I cry very easily. I pretty much try to push it down as much as I can and pretend everything is ok. I never raise my voice and am prone to go silent treatment because I refuse to argue.

  4. I haven’t properly spoken to him since 2019 and I refuse to communicate with him for the time being. We live in different countries, so it’s easy to avoid him. I’ll occasionally hear from him when he needs an ego boost or my mother wants to intimidate me into “listening” to her. I’ve basically removed him from my life completely and haven’t looked back.

  6. Therapy. I still get anxious around loud, angry men… but, therapy has helped me learn that he is gone now and the past can no longer hurt me.

  7. I didn’t. I’m still panicking when I hear loud manly shouting or belt being removed (I used to get beaten using belt as a kid)
    I have so much trauma. My father isn’t angry anymore, and he tells me he regrets his mistakes and I should move on from the past.

  8. I did some LSD when I was 18 after 3 months of no contact, decided to forgive him, and then in the last 5 years he has made insanely good changes and is a way better father to my still-at-home siblings.

    I feel weirdly lucky that he’s actually becoming a good man, which feels odd since that’s like, the standard of being a dad.

  9. I get very tense and freeze when there’s a sudden loud noise, like if something gets drooped on the floor or something. I hate it.

    When I say my mind around my bf and it’s not the same as his, I always expect him to slap me all of a sudden or shout – he never does. And I never not expect it.

  10. Still in the process, and not a short one at all. Therapy helped to a huge extent. Journaling too. Being fully independent and realising that I’m in control of myself helps.

    Over the years, I’ve been able to be the backbone to myself. I’m capable of handling a fall because I know I’ve got myself so to count on.

  14. Al-anon helped me understand his neurosis, that his anger wasn’t due to me. My own therapy helped me control my own anger issues.

  15. I cut contact in person with him almost two years ago, I then cut total contact from him a little under a year ago, it has been a lot less stressful in my life. I have a lot of my own issues with anger now, I am jumpy, I am prone to endless feelings of guilt.

  17. I got myself into therapy. When I started the process, I realized that I had to cut my father off. Continuing to be exposed to him was impeding the healing I needed to do, so he had to go.

    I started off with CBT, thinking I just needed some toolkits. After a year I realized the somatic symptoms were all pointing towards CPTSD, so I graduated to a different therapist that practiced EMDR and really got into it with the work of processing my emotions and trauma.

    On top of this, I have been very selective throughout my life on the kinds of men I surround myself with, especially in regards to relationships. I could see that I had a pattern before therapy of picking men who exhibited dynamics that repeated the one I had with my dad, and they had to go. The men I have around me now are authentic, kind, supportive, and know how to communicate. That has been incredibly intentional on my part.

  18. Kinda ok, I guess. I accepted my relationship with my father will never be great, but I found a partner who loves me and cares for me very much so parts of me I thought would never heal are actually healing, if that’s the right word for it.

    I still cannot handle people raising their voices at me and I can’t stop asking people if they are mad at me, but I’m working on it!

  20. It led me to angry men who traumatized me way worse than he ever did. A healthy relationship and time is what’s working on healing me.

  21. I became significantly nonconfrontational, since I internalized the idea that, “no matter what, I would never win an argument”, which turns into “no matter what, I will never win”. I didn’t really heal from that. The only progress I’ve made on that front is simply get old enough to give less of a shit. I have, on the rare occasion, found the bravery to call people out on their bullshit

    Therapy has been helpful, though. I get to recognize what he did, what it made me, and how I don’t want to become what he was

    One really fun bit of trauma I get is an anxiety spike when I hear footsteps on the stairs. It’s bad enough that my SO, whom I now live with, has taken the steps (heh) to actually go up the stairs quietly, or super loudly. Weirdly, when it sounds distinct enough, it’s fine, since it doesn’t sound like my father’s steps

  22. Therapy, and lots of intentional work on empathy and healthy expression. Learning by observing more emotionally intelligent adults has helped a lot.

  23. I didn’t. I pushed down my emotions for so long I became a zombie to them. I am a people pleaser that doesn’t think any of my feelings/wants/needs are important. I give everything to everyone else, but am so critical and hurtful to myself that I can’t see that I deserve the same love as everyone else. I rely on food and alcohol for any bit of happiness, but I hate myself for needing those, and gaining weight because of it. I wish I knew what I needed to fix this, because it sucks. I still love my dad, but I don’t call him much.

  24. I didn’t spend much time with him after I had my kids. He was a hateful man. I didn’t want my boys to be around someone so toxic. And he didn’t care about being a grandfather. It wasn’t until near the end of his life that he became less angry at everything and okay to be around.

    I used to be an angry person, too. Over the years I’ve become more patient. Having my own kids helped a lot. I’m the opposite of my dad when it comes to them. I also consciously try to see the good in people and actively tell myself I don’t have to be like him when I’m starting to feel or act like him.

    For example, I was getting really annoyed with a delay at the airport and found myself just having these ugly thoughts about everything. My thinking sounded like him. I decided to say (to myself) one nice thing about every person that walked by. “He wears that suit well”. “She was so polite and to that person who bumped into her”. Stuff like that. My anger was gone and I genuinely liked everyone around me.

    I also came to the realization I can choose to not let little things annoy or anger me. It took effort at first, but not so much anymore. I try to reserve my anger for big things. Nazis. Razor Wire buoys in the Rio Grande. Stuff like that.

  25. Jesus, therapy and self awareness. I had to untangle years of the idea of “What’s my responsibility and what’s not?” I became a people pleaser with PTSD and OCD. And now I’m in a better frame of mind.

  26. Haven’t. And as the years pass my revulsion towards *both* my parents grows… my dad for being so abusive, and my mom for allowing it.

    I hate it when he asks for my forgiveness and asks me to reassure him that he was a good father, despite everything.

  27. Therapy, I can’t stress this enough. Finding someone I trusted who understood how to help me heal and talk through trauma is the only reason I’m functioning as an adult. I still get very uncomfortable around men who are loud when they get angry, but now I understand that I have the ability to remove myself from those situations and not let myself get sucked into them. I’m no longer the victim, I’m the one who survived.

  29. Unfortunately I internalized the anger issues he had and (am still) on a journey to not raise my voice or lash out in anger at small things at times. Doesn’t help having ADHD- but therapy and a kind, loving, and patient partner who is good at communicating has all helped. It’s a long hard road; but I don’t want to be an angry person and honestly it feels good working toward being better and learning how to stay calm and patient. Small steps 🥹

  30. Who said I have? I just distanced myself from him and distance myself from people who get angry easily.

  31. Therapy and meds. “No bad parts” by dick shwartz has been life changing for me.

  32. Therapy. Lexapro. Marijuana. Magnesium. A very healthy marriage, and support from friends and family. I would have answered the same as many who said they didn’t. I haven’t fully, but this has put me on the right path. I am still an angry daughter, but it doesn’t control me anymore. Sending all the love to my angry sisters. You are loved and you are enough. You are worthy.

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