My husband and I have been fighting about kids for a few months now. When we got together one of our first big talks was about children. I made sure to tell him that that was very important to me and made sure that was something he wanted too. He said yes. We have been together almost 10 years now and the past few months I have been bringing it up constantly because I’m about to turn 28 in two months and I’m tired of waiting. He kept getting angry when I bring it up. First he said we need to wait because of money. He says this every time I bring it up. I don’t remember how the conversation got brought up today but his excuse today was that he doesn’t want to bring a kid into this world. It’s bad and he’s scared what the world will turn them into and he doesn’t want to deal with that. He always says “I want kids.” I finally said to him, you want kids but are you willing to try for them. The past few months I have been tracking my ovulation because we talked and he said we can try. But ever time it said I was ovulating he didn’t want to have sex. He was tired or he wouldn’t get off his game. I work from 6-2 so I have to go to bed pretty early. He would stay on his game until I had to go to sleep. I finally said today are you willing to try for kids or not. He got pissed and said let’s say this, “I don’t want kids.” I then told him that I have a choice to make then because I told him from the beginning this was important to me. I feel so heartbroken. I don’t know what to do. I have given up so much for this marriage. I gave up my entire family for it. They were toxic so it was something I was willing to do but it’s something I struggle with everyday. The sad part is that I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. All I have is him and his family. I feel like I wasted 10 years of my life. I don’t want to give this up too. My dream of having children. I feel like if I stay with him I will start resenting him or end up hating him. But if I leave I will have no one. Should I stay with him or leave?
5 comments
Have you tried marriage counseling? He may have wanted children when you were younger, but now that it’s a reality it sounds like he changed his mind. If he’s adamant about not wanting kids, please don’t have a child with him trying to convince him things will work out.
I recommend you start building up an arsenal of support. Find some friends who will have your back if the day comes you decide you’d like to part ways with him.
Oof. No one can tell you that. You’re the only one who knows if you want kids more than you want to be with him.
I think it’s pretty important to figure out why you want kids so badly. Is it more than just a biological imperative? How do you think children will enrich your life? Do you have the knowledge, skills, and ability to raise them well? Can you afford them? What will you have to give up if you have kids?
People think they want kids, but they really don’t spend much time at all considering what having children means. There are so many crap parents out there – and they’re crap because they didn’t think about what they were signing up for.
Parenting at all is hard. Doing it well is exponentially harder.
>I’m about to turn 28
>My (32M) Husband
>been together almost 10 years
So you were (hopefully) 18 when you got together, and he 25. That’s concerning.
>I gave up my entire family for it.
>I don’t have anyone to talk to about this
This is also concerning. Toxic family or not, the way you wrote it, it seems like it wasn’t just your decision to cut contact for your own sake. You seem isolated That’s concerning.
You have not said one positive thing about your relationship in this post, and ultimately your life goals don’t align anymore. Let’s give your husband the benefit of the doubt and assume he just changed his mind, and didn’t just agree when you said kids are a deal breaker for you to get the 18 year old.
You are 28, you have a job, so you’re not financially dependent on him, you can find someone else, someone who matches your life goals. Not saying you should immediately file for divorce, give marriage counseling a shot if you have (positive) reasons to stay with him, that you didn’t mention here, just that the option to leave isn’t completely absurd.
If this is important to you then you should leave him. Kids are a HUGE commitment for at least 20 years or more. Honestly, what you can do is harvest your eggs now and move on. You will find someone else, eventually and having your eggs gives you plenty of time to find that person and not settle.
I also know someone who did this and got an anonymous donor and become a single mother.
You have options. Hang in there.
Puff Puff…
You want kids, so the only thing to be said is take your ovaries and stuff and find someone who would appreciate them. You are still very young, but you waste another 10 years waiting on him to change his mind well thats a entirely different story.