I’ve been feeling quite small lately. I am already small (5’1) and look about 4 years younger than my age (19F) and I noticed that I am not taken seriously in the way that I want to be. I am a very nice person and I am capable of speaking my mind but I do notice that I am (to a certain extent) a people pleaser and a bit of a coward. I can argue only about something political but if someone does me wrong, I never say enough back to them and when I think back on it, I feel unsatisfied with the way I dealt with the issue, like I could’ve really said more and hurt them back. I’m so tired of being ridiculed. When I finally find the urge to say “no” to someone I feel so good and I feel like I’m improving, but but I want to be able to snap back when someone is mean to me. I want to snap back and not give a damn, but I don’t know how.
18 comments
When someone is mean you, what is happening in your mind?
I just think you need to practice.
The snap back, if done correctly, is satisfying and ends the conversation. But if they can tell they got under your skin, that’s not ideal. You want to act like you don’t give a shit that they disrespected you or whatever.
A helpful trick can buy you some time to think…. instead of answering whatever they said, ask a question. “Why do you ask?” “What am I supposed to think about that?” “What do you think of that?” Hard to suggest a specific, without knowing what they are saying to you, but have a few in your back pocket. This will give you a little time to think about what you really want to say.
Also try to increase your self esteem. When you have high self esteem, you don’t give a shit what anyone else thinks about you. One of the best ways to do this is to get clear about what your core values are. Then do your best to live your life in accordance with them. When you are doing that you will feel big/strong/confident no matter what your size:
https://soulsalt.com/list-of-values-and-beliefs/
I really like the article above but you can google there are tons of ideas how to do this out there.
Don’t worry yourself. Your roar will happen. Don’t take crap from anyone. Woman by nature are ppl pleasers. It gets old real fast. It’s great to be nice but not walked over or stomped on. I was 19 once too.
and my nice was great till you crossed my line! 😁
Let’s your roar protect your peace 🕊️🕊️ always! I say f— them!
Just disengage. Seriously. I know it feels like such a bummer not to think of a clever comeback, but people who insult you aren’t worth talking to.
The reason you’re able to engage in political discussion is because it’s a topic you care and are knowledgeable about. But if the person you’re talking to disagrees with you about politics and resorts to insulting you, it’s no longer an intelligent conversion. Best to move on and keep on mind that person isn’t worth speaking to in the future.
I think it comes with time and having more confidence in yourself. I’m almost 30, 4”10, and I look like I’m still in high school.
I just try to carry myself with confidence and be confident in what I say. Easier said than done, I know. But a lot of life is faking it. Like others say, your roar will come.
You answer to you and your core values, not them. So take what they say and throw it in the trash. Google a list of values, pick out two, and start to live your life around them. That said, there are boundaries and you don’t need to be someone’s door mat. Plan ahead of what to say. Keep it short and simple, you don’t need to go way off. Something as simple as the word: “Attitude” or “I don’t like your attitude” or “Your attitude sucks” will get your message across. the first time is the hardest, after that it gets much easier. But you have to start somewhere or else it will never end.
Look them dead in the eye while you say “Talk to me like that again, and it’s going to be a problem.”
Keep educating yourself in other areas. You mentioned you can argue politics, these days that’s pretty polarizing (at least in the US). Learn to take that passionate/educated stance in other areas. Try not to be blatantly offensive and just provide a confident, intelligent perspective on a variety of issues. If people take offense to facts and respectable stances on a particar topic that’s their problem. Just move on, not everyone is going to agree with you.
Another small piece of advice. People that get interrupted often usually stop mid sentence when someone interupts them. If you keep talking and complete your thought it makes it very obvious to the other party they are interupting you. It’s uncomfortable at first but it’s better than the alternative. It shows you’re not willing to be talked over. I’m not saying raise you’re voice, just keep looking directly at them and finish your thought. It works wonders. Too many people engage in conversation waiting for their turn to talk versus listening actively and responding. Sometimes they need a little reminder.
1 Don’t feel you have to explain yourself your answers or decisions to anyone.If you say no about something just leave it at no. Never explain yourself .
2 when someone is speaking to you in a way you are not comfortable with. Pause take a breath . Head up shoulders back .then say there is no need to speak to me that way. Why are you being so aggressive.most people like the security guard you mentioned are just so used to bullying people because people allow it.
3. Don’t worry so much about what other people say
When they go low you go lower and way beyond good taste. That has been my tactic for a long time.
Don’t go for clever comebacks, they’re corny and don’t come out as good as people think they do. What you should do is refocus on them, haters don’t Iike their negative traits spotlighted.
I would say hurting people back rarely leads to good results. What you want to do instead is set boundaries and stick to them.
E.g. imagine someone yells at you. You tell them that you won’t tolerate being yelled at, and you’ll be ready to resume the conversation when they speak at a normal volume. If they continue yelling, you walk away and don’t talk to them until they calm down.
This kind of response to bad behavior – assertive, but not “mean” – has the following advantages:
– you do not allow people to treat you badly;
– it is obvious to any observers that you are not the bad guy in the conflict, and they will take your side;
– since you’ve thought through your response in advance, you will not do something you regret later in a bout of anger;
– there is less of a chance to escalate the conflict.
I understand you, well actually I don’t want to hurt them back, but I want, although I don’t, I just don’t because I used to be like that, I read your experience at the Museum and it really sucks, you could have justified yourself but that would just make him yell at you again, what you can do is look people in the eyes while they say that, eyes talk and your look in a situation like this could have been intimidating if you were angry, just the look and say absolutely nothing, people who are your friends won’t do that to you, and if you do maybe it would be good to reflect if you still want the company of someone like that
edit: orthography
Learn to be unlikable when necessary
Politics is politics, but outside of it in the regular conversation world Knowing and practicing healthy Boundaries is super important. “No” is a confident and powerful word. Silence after standing your ground also says a lot, no need to always elaborate. I’m 5’0, 35yrs, and I still get treated like a dang child but it’s getting so much better. Sometimes being a b!tch within reason really does get you places, Lol
I feel like I’m reading something I wrote wow lol I’m 5’0 and I’m 25 but people say I look 19 and I definitely have noticed how incapable of being honest I am in certain situations. Specifically situations where I have more social anxiety. When I’m talking to my bf tho I can be too honest though and it comes off as mean
The thing my husband does, and I wish I could keep my composure enough to, is when someone is downright shit to him he laughs and says “whoa, okay. You good boss?” Like he makes them immediately look so silly for being overly angry. If they threaten him “I’d kick your ass!” He just chuckles and says “okay sure buddy” and keeps smiling but also keeps doing whatever he’s up to. Sometimes he flirts back – which just upsets them more or totally diffuses it. “Sorry I just wanted to stand by you cutie” – like adult male to adult male – the reaction is always funny. BUT with the caveat that you need to be confident in your ability to fight(in case they throw a punch), confident in your running speed, OR have a low pain tolerance and don’t mind a good out of court settlement. Also someone like a guard could just throw you out so maybe just let him have his ego trip and give him a “okay buddy” eye roll.