My boyfriend (23M) and I (21F) have been dating for 11 months. I’ve been involved in sex work (SW) (both online and in person) since I was 18, he met me quite a bit after I started my ‘career’ in that field. When he asked me to be his girlfriend, I asked him how he would feel about me continuing and he said he’d find a way to get over it. (Looking back, my acceptance was naïveté of future problems this would cause). About 5 months through the relationship, he disclosed he wouldn’t want to propose to somebody who is in the SW industry, and initially I thought he meant just the in-person activities, which I can certainly understand his reasoning and desire for that. 2 months ago, I gave him a deadline for my in-person activities (this September) and then he explained he also meant my online work as well.
He has some traditional values that I admire. He is very much so a gentleman, (often pays for dates, opens doors, pulls out my chair) and whenever I’ve communicated things I need from him (ex. Planning dates or brining flowers) he responds well and works to meet my needs in that area. I am his first ‘real’ girlfriend and he has the desire to marry young and grow old together. He has the mindset of wanting to push through troubles. Which I admire lots if this relationship is to continue because it’ll be helpful down the road. But for a relationship less than a year that he disclosed to me he isn’t taking seriously? That doesn’t seem like it’s worth the effort on his part to keep pushing through. He wants to be a provider man and let me be a stay at home mom and focus on being a homemaker (something I am looking for). At the same time he’s just on his first year toward getting his electrician journeyman’s license, and I make nearly 6 figures at 21 when he’s making a little less than $40k at 23, and wants to be the sole provider for the family. I’m looking at real estate investing and small business endeavors and I feel like his energy doesn’t match my own in regards to financial ambition. I’ve also asked him if he’d be able to cut back on drinking (he typically has 1-2 per day, always after work when he works) and he responded with “you alone wouldn’t be enough motivation for me to stop, but my children would be.” How does he know if kids would be enough?? I grew up with an absent and angry alcoholic dad and I don’t want that for my own children.
Through the online content I sell, I could easily sustain my lifestyle with a few spending cutbacks and still pay all my bills and groceries with that income. He wants to be a provider man and also is expecting me to completely stop what I’m doing, work 20+ hours a week on top of being a full time college student, without helping pay bills. When he wants to be a “provider” and is expecting me to make all of these changes and throw years of what I’ve worked on away, I feel like I am making all of these changes to create a temporary lifestyle I’ll hate. I’m worried I’m going to grow resentful.
Obviously SW isn’t a long term career, but I planned on doing it through college for ease of flexibility and ultimately much greater pay per hour of my life. I make really great money and in a way love what I do. Then to find out my partner hasn’t even been taking this relationship seriously for the past 11 months (he said he’s been taking it “somewhat seriously” for the past 2) and I’ve actively been working on making all of these adjustments in my life for a future together… it hurts.
Is this relationship worth continuing when clearly I’ve spent the last 11 months caring about someone more than they care for me? Is what he’s asking of me without clear intentions on his end reasonable? Am I self-sabotaging and about to lose a good man?
TLDR: I’m a sex worker and 11 months into the relationship my boyfriend said he hasn’t been taking the relationship seriously while I’ve been making sacrifices for his desires.
2 comments
1) Because he has this ideal of “marrying young and growing old” he will probably force something that isn’t there, just to have that fantasy play out.
2) if he wants that fantasy and isn’t taking your relationship seriously, then why is he in this relationship?
3) if you are comfortable in your chosen profession, and can take that money to grow into a different business (ie real estate) then do it. Don’t let a man dictate your life.
4) he needs to be able to prove that he can take care of you comfortably, now, not in the hypothetical future. Until then, you should continue working as you see fit.
With your chosen profession you are going to have an exceptionally hard time finding a partner. I’m sure you already know that. Especially if you want to continue the physical part. You would almost have to go to a very specialized dating site for chuck hold partners to even stand a chance and that would be a personal choice if you wanted someone that kinky. Personally I wouldn’t. Not the kind of person I want around my kids. But your online content at least in my opinion it would be like dating a stripper. (Which I have several times) It takes someone with an exceptionally strong personality to not be driven mad by jealousy to make it to the point they truly know that you are in no way interested in these guys but are just selling a product. I guess that is where I would draw the line becuase physically touching is a whole different story. At his income you will hate each other in a very short period of time. Point is he isn’t the right person for you. My suggestion is you have to take care of yourself first. While you can make the money at your age keep going if you want to and like you were thinking invest in your future. Pay for a college degree that is going to match that kind of money and work from one to the other. Get a home and pay it off. Start making a next for your future family. Then once you are set up stop dating to date but start looking for the type of man you want to be the father of your children. Just focus on the end point and work for that goal.