My (24F) boyfriend (22M) has toxic friends. I hate it.

Well… almost boyfriend. We dated for two years, and then broke up because he didn’t know how to communicate healthily, among other reasons. We’ve recently reconnected after a good chunk of time away, we’ve both done a lot of inner work, and are leaning heavily toward getting back together.

Something that always bothered me, though, was just how toxic basically all of his friends are. He has always had scheduled weekly hangouts with them to play games together, and often spends extra time with them as well.

On the surface, his friends are just very immature, which I understand is generally considered normal for men in their early 20’s.

When we would both be around his friends, they were incredibly nice to me. We had fun, and I often felt like I was part of the friend group as well. This was important to me. And while I always walked away feeling closer to them, I would often hear a while later that his friends were talking poorly about me to my boyfriend while I wasn’t around- seemingly for no reason at all. I’ve experienced this before in relationships- where my partner’s friends will talk poorly of their friend’s girlfriend’s, and while it seems to be common, I’m just kind of over that sort of highschool behavior and mindset. This isn’t even the main issue, though-

Basically every time my boyfriend tells me how hanging out with his friends went, he will “complain” about them. He’ll say he felt belittled, made fun of, not understood, annoyed by them, etc. He says they press his buttons and that he generally does not feel *truly* cared about by them. When they’re not having surface-level conversation over video games, they’re pointing out everything he does wrong, and when dating someone, they will make assumptions about his relationship.

Like I said- this has *always* bothered me. Never once have I tried telling him to stop hanging out with them, and am very conscious of what I say about his friends. More than anything, I’m just protective of him and find he deserves better than this, in-part because he says he *wants* better. I do let him know what it looks like from my outside perspective- that they seem to bring him down and cause more issues than anything else. He has always agreed with that.

Yet…. he says on his weekly hangout schedule, and continues the spontaneous hangouts, even when he says (to me) he would rather not go. I tell him he doesn’t have to, and he says “but I’d feel bad”, “but I’m not really doing anything anyway”, and “eh, it’ll be fun”. This wouldn’t be annoying to me if he didn’t come back feeling worse almost every single time.

The other day, one of his friends came up in conversation, and he mentioned a party him and his friends went to when him and I weren’t talking. The particular moment he described consisted of my boyfriend about to go outside to smoke a cigarette. This friend came up to him as he was about to go outside, and told him “I will pistol whip you if you smoke a cigarette”. My boyfriend, thinking his friend was joking, laughed it off and continued through the door. The friend followed him, pulled out his gun (which no one knew he had, mind you), and proceeded to pistol whip him (why the hell does this guy even have a gun at a house party that only consists of close friends??).

Apparently everyone that saw this got extremely angry at this friend, and the friend proceeded to throw a tantrum about what he just did- hitting his head on a fence, and blaming his mental health and drunkness.

To me, this would be the final straw, and an easy cut-off. I would never allow this person back in my life again, and I genuinely don’t understand how anyone could think differently. However…. this friend *continues* to attend the weekly hangouts as if nothing ever happened.

When I heard about this I did get pretty angry, but I was choosing my words wisely, and being considerate with my tone. I tried to explain how upsetting that is, and how manipulative the proceeding tantrum was. I explained that it reminded me of my abusive ex. I asked why this friend would continue to be welcomed into the group, and my boyfriend basically said that he’s “working on” cutting him and the rest of his toxic friends off, but that it’s hard.

Trust me… I get that it’s hard to just “ditch” people you’ve been close with for so many years. My boyfriend is a mega people-pleaser. He’s VERY used to being around toxicity, as his own family is very explosive and manipulative as well.

He has definitely been standing up for himself more and prioritizing his own well-being, and no longer wants to sacrifice so much of himself for others, which I am glad for. I just… don’t know. Hearing about this and how present the friend still is months after what happened just triggered something within me, and my mind has been racing ever since.

I’m genuinely one of the only substantial, kind, and healthy relationships he has, and this was very evident when we were together the first time. He says I’m the only person that “fills his cup”. And while I know it’s special and means a lot to him, it is a bit hard not to feel like my efforts, energy, etc., holds less/no true value to him. If he repeatedly allows himself to be treated like dirt, what is my treatment of him worth? I’m not sure whether that feeling is rational or not.

Honestly, I just can’t comprehend why it’s THIS hard to cut genuinely-toxic people out, but I’m not sure if that’s just because it’s very easy for ME to. Either way, I’m not really sure how to feel here- does he lack self-worth, and if so, is it bad to bothered by that? Is his evidently growing self-worth promising enough to continue with him? I truly love him and just honestly don’t know how to feel about this.

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TL;DR: Almost everyone is my boyfriend’s life is awful. Friends are toxic, boring, and overall just not good friends. He is very aware of this, & vents about it often. One friend randomly pistol-whipped him at a party, yet said friend is still welcomed around weekly. Boyfriend is a people-pleaser and has had these friends for many years, & is therefore very hesitant to cut them off. However, he has been standing up for himself more & says he wants to eventually distance himself from them. I am the only healthy relationship he has & it’s hard for me not to feel like he just allows himself to be treated like sh*t, but not sure if that’s rational & if I should stick around, be there for him, and trust that he will be acting on his evidently growing self-worth with time.