We have been dating for about a year. I(26f) quit my job soon after meeting as it made him uncomfortable (I was a SW), I didn’t want to, I liked my independence but it caused a lot of fights so I agreed. He told me he’s happy to do it until I finish uni and after that I can get a well paying job but until then just to focus on study.
He is responsible for everything financially & puts money in my purse, he knows I’m uncomfortable asking for anything so he made sure I didn’t have to.
It was a weird adjustment but seemed to be working fine, until I brought up savings. I’ve always been anxious about savings, we’d mentioned future plans so it felt like something we should talk about.
He has a really bad gambling addiction- I didn’t know the full extent until after I’d quite and he was living with me. It’s super concerning to me how much he spends (upwards of 15k a month). I wanted to see he could save and cut down on spendings before seriously considering the future.
I mentioned it March of this year, saying it’s something we need to talk about, he took it well and transferred a large sum into a seperate bank account in my name, so he wouldn’t have access and spend it – but he’d ask me to transfer him every so often. I can’t really refuse as it is his money. Since then it has dropped about 10k. I’ve tried to talk about it but it always ends in an argument.
I saw his bank statement on his phone and the entertainment expenses from last month alone were more than the total in the savings account. I tried to bring it up today but he got mad, made the usual statements “have you ever had to go without? Do I not make sure you have everything you need?”and brings up all the new things he’s bought for the house. Which I’m not disagreeing he does provide, we haven’t gone without and he has brought so many nice things, that’s not the issue for me. I never wanted the things he bought, I actively told him not to buy them as its unnecessary. The problem I have is with the huge amount he throws away gambling. A few times he’s agreed to a weekly spending limit on spins but that has never lasted more than one week.
Also side note – I won’t be keeping the things he’s brought or the money in my name if we split, I’m not with him for free stuff.
I know this sounds incredibly stupid, I just don’t know what to do as I can’t see a future if these are his spending habits and as much as he promises he can change it’s been empty promises so far. We argued about it today and then he left, said he is seeing his friend but his location has him a hotel – but that’s a whole nother story.
TL;DR – bf is sole provider and pays for everything, doesn’t let me have a say in spendings.
3 comments
You never should have quit your job. Why in the world would you do that? Him asking you to is ridiculously controlling and should have been enough of a red flag that you ended this. TBH, I’ve not read past the first paragraph to know where this is going.
This is paving the way for financial abuse. Don’t fucking do it. Get out of the relationship, or demand that you go back to your job and retain your own bank account.
You made the decision to quit your job and be completely financially dependent on a man you hardly knew. What a shocker that things have gone badly.
Fiscal irresponsibility would be a deal breaker for me and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be dependent financially on someone who isn’t responsible with money. Never mind someone who insists I not work.
You’re putting yourself in a bad situation.