So I (F25) had an discussion with my boyfriend (m26) about opposite gender friendships. We’ve been together for 1 year. Personally, I don’t have many, but do have some. We usually hang out as a group for food, coffee or games. Sometimes we’ll play games together one on one. And I rarely seek emotional comfort from them (we do if we’re sharing it all together). I of course have male work friends and we have good banter. Ive always been mindful of this since I’ve had many guy friends catch feelings if we got too close… I’ve always put this boundary for my partners and see no problems with it.
Things have been fine until we had a fight and broke up. We tried to rekindle, but my boyfriend made an online friend during the time we split. They chat about their communalities a lot. The friend has a boyfriend and she seeks advice from my boyfriend. They use each other for emotional support. They chat quite a bit and like to have calls/walks together. It seems that her boyfriends fine with it supposedly. I mainly worry about the frequency and emotional intimacy of it all. My boyfriend said my way of friendships a bit toxic. He claims there should be no question about it to have trust. I’m trying to understand it from their point of view, but can’t seem to grasp it because of my past.
I know I have insecurities of my own as well. So I wanted to ask what others think of this? What are your boundaries about opposite sex friendships? Is it necessary?
TLDR: Boyfriend (m26) and I (f25) broke up and tried to rekindle. Now we can’t seem to agree about his new found friendship and boundaries about opposite gender friendships (in terms of closeness and emotional intimacy).
8 comments
>Things have been fine until we had a fight and broke up
it seems odd to leave out what the fight was about that led to a break up
Something to ask yourself – if this friend were male, would you have a problem with their friendship dynamic?
The line with emotional intimacy can be hard to tell. Do you feel he spends more quality time with her? Does he tell her good news first or goes to her mainly for issues? Does he tell her anything that he wouldn’t be comfortable saying if you were there too? Does he seem open to doing couples events together and is eager to invite you along with them?
What was the fight about that made you two broke up?
I understand you have male friends, but you have set boundaries and explained well on that part. By the sounds of it, your boyfriend sounds like he is stepping over the mark too much with this one female friend by being too emotionally intimate? Sorry, struggling to understand what is going on here, lol.
Does this female friend of his like you?
I have none of these problems or worries, it seems like every time I see some posts like this from men and women… really is starting to prove a point to me that no one should be “close” with their opposite sex friends while in a relationship. Other people involved like that seem to ruin relationships.
As a guy with primarily female friends, I have had to discuss this over and over with partners and it is hard for some to grasp that I can have a very close and deep friendship with a woman without wanting to fuck her. Sure, the person might be attractive objectively, but that doesn’t matter in these friendships.
So I know how my friendships work and so on, but I do know that it could turn into something bad if you aren’t honest with yourself if you do feel attraction, and you feel that it might be reciprocated. In that case, one has to take a timeout or whatever. But in general I haven’t had this issue.
What makes me wonder what is up with your bf is the frequency of phone calls and whether or not he is trying to avoid letting you overhear him or not. That’s something that could be a sign of dishonesty. And I know this because I’ve done it myself when it came to such a friendship where I didn’t pay attention to how involved I got when I shouldn’t have. I didn’t let it escalate, but it made me realise that what I was allowing to happen, as fun as it may have felt, would have caused a lot of hurt if it was allowed to be unchecked.
Edit: typos
I absolutely seek emotional support from opposite gender friends, and provide emotional support to them. I think the key is that I go to them *as well as* my partner, not *instead of* my partner.
I have no problem with my partner doing any of the things you describe with his friends of any gender, and vice versa. (We’re both bisexual so the opposite bit doesn’t really apply.) I’d be sad to have friends I felt I couldn’t hang out with one on one, or couldn’t share emotional things with one on one, or to feel my partner was limiting his friendships in that way out of a perceived idea that it was the right thing to do for me.
My partner and I have boundaries of not hanging out with the opposite gender in 1-on-1 settings unless agreed on by the one who wouldn’t be there. This allows both people to speak up if uncomfortable with someone their partner is friends with, and can help figure out healthy ways for the relationship to continue instead of making bitter feelings that cause fights. May not for every couple but it works in my relationship.
Hey just wanted to offer my personal opinion and experience. I have made it very clear to my partner that I do not want her to hang out with or message any guy friends she may have, the simple reason for this is because in my experience these friendships almost always have sexualising attraction involved for 1 or more party. And even If they don’t I simply do not want other people snooping around my relationship or even trying to sabotage it.
This is perfectly reasonable, the idea of having opposite sex friends that you see or talk to regularly is something relatively new and you should feel weird about your partner looking for other attention from women even if that’s in a friendship
A simple analogy is this, “I trust the locks on my car, but I still wouldn’t allow someone to try and break in”.
It’s not that you don’t trust your bf necessarily, it’s that you’re not comfortable with other women potentially scoping him out as a sexualising partner. AND THAT IS FAIR. you should be all the woman he needs in his life besides his female family members. Don’t be gaslighted into thinking you’re crazy or insecure for believing that. Hope this helps 🙂