I understand the text ahead makes me look like a shallow person but ive always been fair and caring to my BF. Im just battling with a few thoughts i need help with.
For background ive (23F) only been in LDRs and the guy (21M) im with is an LDR too and we have met a couple times and had sex. So this guy fell for me first but he isnt the person id usually go for since i dont date below my age (its an intrinsic preference) but he seemed like a great guy so i thought id give it a shot to see where it went and we started dating casually, sorta like a go with the flow kinda thing.
We grew super close over the months, texting and video calling 24/7, being able to support eachother etc. Although I did not feel a spark between us but i felt super comfortable with him and loved spending time with him and so did he, with the exception that he was super in love with me. I recognized this and we had multiple talks about me wanting us to take it slow and be on the same page but him rushing things. Seeing the incompatibility we split on good terms.
During the split a couple guys tried to chat me up and it did make me feel excited cause of the anticipation they brought, something i never experienced talking to him probably because he love bombed me too early, but pretty soon i realized i was wishing it was my bf instead of those guys. I felt like i was his (maybe my loyalty instincts were kicking in) but i still wasnt sure about him. I brought it up with him and we’ve started talking again.
But before i try to get back with him i want to have my feelings sorted out. We have great sexual chemistry, sex is great, he doesnt fail to give me butterflies, just looking at him drive does things to my stomach, hes a great partner, cares for me unconditionally and i do the same back, we’re able to talk for hours on end but the downsides are i would totally feel the same for my female bestfriends too plus i havent been able to give my 100% to this relationship because of the weird nagging feeling in my gut that makes me think he isnt for me and he is well aware of this too.
I have this whole picture of an ideal man id like to spend my life with but he doesnt tick a few TRIVIAL boxes e.g our sense of humor doesnt match, hes younger, he didnt start off “mysterious” and dropped the L word too early and i never felt i had to work for it or felt the need to impress him because i was just handed his love etc and that makes me think he isnt right for me but sometimes i also think im silly for having this whole standard for myself.
We do argue quite a bit because our humor doesnt match and because everytime a problem arises, either of us think we have the better solution and so we try to have our own way. But we’ve learned to work through that too.
The only time i dont feel anxious is 1) when im with him irl but as soon as we say goodbye, it starts again and 2) when we’re having sex
Am i overthinking a good relationship? Is there any way to work through the icks? I cant help but feel there is someone else for me but when i talk to someone else, i just want my bf.
I dont feel the need to impress him, its so weird but id rather do things with him than anyone else. Is this only because im more familiar with him? Or do i just like the feeling of being in a rela?
TLDR: Our relationship has everything a relationship should but i dont feel sure about him and it constantly makes me anxious. I need help figuring out if im just over thinking things because of my age gap ick? Or are we just bestfriends that have good sexual chemistry?