We met on an app. To be honest, he wasn’t 100% physically my type but the personality that came across seemed genuine so I wanted to give it a shot. On paper, he’s a great guy. He’s kind, caring, generous, giving, a hard worker, and very successful. He takes initiative to plan dates, prioritizes spending time with me, and \*mostly\* has treated me with respect. However, there are several reasons I’m just not feeling how I want to feel, and I don’t know what to do…I find myself almost irritated with him sometimes and I feel bad about it. I feel like i should like him given the above, but I am not sure that I do bc I also see some concerning red flags…
1, He lied about his age, he is 4 years older than his profile said he was. He also doesn’t live in the city he had on his profile, and explained this by telling me he has a rental property in that city but that he actually lives in a different city himself. Not a huge deal but it makes me wonder, why lie about that?
2. He has some running joke with his friends where they call each other “hoes.” He called me that on more than a few instances, I asked him to stop and he did it again. The last time I told him very firmly that I wouldn’t ask again, if he called me a ho again, that’s that even though its a “joke” to him I’m offended.
3. He started telling me about how he “never invests this much time in someone,” and his friends are “shocked he’s taking someone so seriously for this long,” after our 3rd or 4th date and I didn’t know what to say. I don’t consider 3 dates to be “so much time” and “so much investment.” So I get scared that he’s a bit hasty/comes in hot then fades out type.
4. He started calling me his girlfriend and it’s only been 4 weeks at this point. It’s all too fast.
5. He is jealous. He was telling me some story about a past dating experience and when I reciprocated by telling him mine, he became visibly upset by me mentioning another guy. He does this thing where he jokingly but actually seriously says something like “shut up about other guys,” and then will do a “jokey” chokehold kind of thing (No, he does not actually choke me or actually hurt me – he is clearly horsing around – but I still don’t really love that reaction). I have only mentioned “other guys” once or twice in the context of him mentioning past dates.
6. He is extremely clingy. When he comes over to my place, it’s like he is absolutely glued to me. I am usually a physically affectionate person, but I also like space. He wants to be attached at the hip & I feel smothered. When we sleep, he wants to cuddle (which I am totally fine with and have always enjoyed with past partners) but it’s like he wants to crawl into my skin – he NEEDS to interlock legs, wrap his arms firmly around me and will even put one hand ON TOP of my head…like I’m totally cocooned in. I have told him that I love cuddling, but that it is really hard for me to sleep all night in that position. I feel suffocated. In past relationships, I’ve loved cuddling but I feel at some point its natural for both people to drift off to sleep and reposition. If I move at night, he gets upset and thinks I’m intentionally trying to get away from him and complains the next day.
7. Cologne. He wears a cologne that is so potent, I can smell it in every corner of my house days after he is gone. My bedsheets, pillows, and entire bedroom smell of his cologne. I have now washed all my sheets and left the windows open for hours, but the smell is still there. It’s making me nauseous.
8. I feel he wants ALL of my time now. When I have to work late, he complains that I work too much even though he runs a business and works 24/7. When I make plans with friends, he acts very suspicious about it. Last weekend, my best friend and I planned a staycation to get massages, brunch, etc. When I told him about it he said it was “very weird” for two women to go get massages together and seemed annoyed that we wouldn’t be together that weekend.
9. He has a renter in one of his properties and apparently sold his other home a couple weeks ago. He is planning to rent an apartment soon while he waits for construction to finish on a home he claims he is building for himself in a nearby city. He has spent several days staying with friends while he finds a place, and has spent a night here and there with me. I feel like he expects me to tell him he can just stay with me, he keeps dropping hints but frankly at 4 weeks I don’t feel comfortable with him essentially moving in all day every day until he gets an apartment. We don’t even know each other like that.
10. I was telling him one day that I struggle often with sleeping and he mumbled under his breath “I’m going to change all of your habits.” Also, in only 4 weeks he has made comments about basically every aspect of my home – where my hamper should go, why do I have my vitamins in a certain area of the house, why don’t I redecorate some part of the home, and he even tried to buy me a MASSIVE desk for my home office without ever asking me or showing it to me bc I mentioned in passing that I was thinking of a new desk. Luckily I was able to get him to cancel the desk he ordered. I feel like he sees me as a project to fix in a way…
I don’t know what to do. I feel like i’m supposed to like a guy who is emotionally available and prioritizing me, but all of the above concerns me and is kind of giving me the ick. What should I do? Give it more time or walk away? And how do I walk away if that’s what I do? I feel like he’s absolutely smitten and I’m not.
37 comments
You’ve just listed 10 different things, most of which are honestly huge red flags. Your inner gut is telling you to leave, listen to it.
I was expecting something different, and was thinking I’d be suggesting to let a ‘spark’ grow, but these are some serious red flags to know about in the first 4 weeks. I think if you continue this relationship, it won’t be healthy for you.
Most of what you’ve listed would pass as red flags, other things you’ve listed are things that sound like deal breakers. Why do you continue to see this guy if your gut is telling you “no” and your mind is also telling you “no”?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Christ, he sounds awful…what’s the good bit? Just move on. No need to force yourself to like this individual
He’s a liar and he likes controlling you while manipulating you. Those points you mentioned are clear indicators of the need to run away, please do so. Also the ho joke is not a joke, it’s how he treated all his exes.
Create a spark
This guy seems like the type to get weird when you dump him i.e stalking. Definitely fucking dump this dude
A few things bother you? Girl that’s a fucking list! I don’t see any good in this guy whatsoever. Just dump him. And listen to your gut. Always. He’s super controlling and this is the honeymoon phase. Can you imagine what he will be like when the mask is off? I don’t wanna find out, honestly. Don’t even wanna read it in your update.
Definitely walk away. He is not healthy at all!! When you do tell him make sure yo do it in a public place and make sure he doesn’t follow you home. He gives me the ick just reading it.
No spark, no date.. why even think about it?
Oh girl, this is beyond “no spark”.. the list progressively got worse.. #7 flat out confirms you do not like this man at all.
Yea I’ll say bounce as well move on too many flags you listed.
Leave. My bf says check lists dont work. Thats why he says he doesnt like old. Connection matters.
>And how do I walk away if that’s what I do
U just do. He sounds controlling & potentially abusive. He was single for a reason, u now know why. Its very possible the good stuff is an act.
This is not a lack of spark but a whole list of things your gut and mind says don’t do it. With so many points you know you have to walk away. Even with just a couple of them i would have run so fast.
Be brave and make that decision.
Oh my god, love. He’s a wretch and a weirdo. Get away from him.
What do you mean what do you do?!? If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. I doesn’t matter if the guy can turn water into wine.
Hahaha you are bothered and you obviously don’t like him. Let him go.
Listen to your gut.
List of red flags aside, there’s a difference between compatibility and chemistry. Someone might seem like a great match on paper, but if that spark, that feeling that you can just be you around that person, isn’t there, don’t bother going on another date.
1. He lied 🚩
2. No respect for boundaries ⛳️
3. Negging 🚩
4. Territorial ⛳️
5. Jealous 🚩
6. Clingy ⛳️
7. Shitty cologne 🚩
8. Untrusting ⛳️
9. Leeching 🚩
10. Controlling ⛳️
Girl, do you still need us to tell you what to do? 🥹
Lol um, why are you so hesitant to just not be with this guy? He literally lied from the jump which is a huge red flag.
That alone would be a dealbreaker for me. Don’t settle for a mediocre man. His “paper qualities” are literally just a “shell.”
Just reading all of this gave me anxiety. I can’t even imagine how bad do you feel.
I agree with other redditors that the smartest thing would be to get yourself out of this situation ASAP.
If you tell him you’re overwhelmed by the relationship he might take a step back (for a little while until he feels safe again) and you’ve solved nothing.
If you ghost him he might go psycho and ambush you at work or home or wherever he knows you go regularly and demand answers.
It’s probably the best to make it seem like you are the problem and tell him you’re not ready for a relationship at this point of your life, thank him for all of his “efforts” and walk away as fast and far as possible (completely cutting contacts – there’s not doubt in my mind he will try to convince you to change your mind).
Good luck and stay safe!
Oh my god it hasn’t even started, you already have a list of 10 items.
😂😂 don’t bother. Please break up.
The longer you went on the more he doesn’t seem as great as the picture you initially painted of him. Something to think about maybe.
I read like 1/8th of that and I can already tell you that dude sucks. Both on and off paper.
I only hear massive red flags. Time to get out.
I didn’t get past point 2…
Get rid of him, what do you want to do with your life ?
The decision doesn’t need to be binary. You can give him a chance to adapt. Talk to him, tell him about these things and how they are turn-offs for you. If he is smart, he will adapt and change, it’s still early and you guys have not yet developed an ingrained dynamic. If he doesn’t, then you can break up with him knowing that you have it a shot.
He doesn’t sound great at all.
Lol So what are green flags again? Trust your gut cause from the outside looking in, the over clingyness, lack of respect to respect your no, and rushing to move in are not good signs. Respect your gut feeling. It’s trying to tell you something.
I’d be turned off by the age lie, and wouldn’t proceed further.
Separate from that, my personal experience is that attraction doesn’t grow from nothing. If there isn’t a spark of interest from the first date, I’m not going to magically feel it on subsequent dates no matter how nice / funny / sweet the guy is.
He sounds completely ghastly.
Good on paper is meaningless. You’re not dating a piece of paper. He’s a real, tangible person in your real life. And I wouldn’t waste another moment with him.
If you care about yourself at all, end it. Now.
Where “on paper” is this guy attractive at all? Because you just wrote an exhaustive, multi-point list of flaws, where each individual one could be a relationship dealbreaker on its own.
Does this lying, potentially abusive, jealous man actually have *any* redeeming qualities?
Girl, RUN. You just gave yourself 10 red flags right there 😭
I’m seriously asking: how could you deduce that he is emotionally available by listing all these red flags? Every single one of them is a reason to run as far away as possible.
Holy shit, he is a narcissist. Run. It will only get much worse from here.
6 & 7 are deal breakers. This guy sounds like a nightmare! Run for the hills!