I’ve been married to my husband [42M] for 10 years, together for 16. We have three kids together and I wouldn’t change the life I’ve built with my family for anything.
HOWEVER…a couple of months ago my youngest became friends with another kid and over time I became close to that child’s mother. I’ve never had many girlfriends so I was excited to have a mom friend who had kids around my kids ages.
Some background on my relationship. When we started dating my husband was very romantic. He planned dates, bought flowers for no reason. Over time that kind of stuff slowed down, which I was understanding about but ever since we had children it’s almost stopped completely. He buys flowers for special events (anniversary, birthday and Valentines Day) but that’s it. That’s all I get. I’ve always shrugged it off as we’re just busy with life.
Well since meeting Julie and her husband, I’ve noticed how much I miss romance. He buys her flowers for no reason, he’ll plan random dates for the two of them, he trails kisses down her shoulder when he’s sitting behind her, he whispers things to her that have her beaming, he looks at her like he’s seeing her for the first time everytime. It’s beautiful to see them so in love and not afraid to show it to the world. I want that.
I asked her if he’s always been this way and she said yes. I talked to my husband and asked him if he noticed how romantic and passionate they seemed and he shrugged and said not really. We talked about my needs and how I need more romance and passion in this relationship, I need to feel wanted. He said “you know I love you, I don’t understand why I need to show it to the world” and while I get what he’s saying I’m still sad and frustrated.
My husband said we can’t compare our marriage to someone else’s which I agree, however it’s hard not to feel jealous or bitter when I see what we could have if he just put more effort.
We haven’t had sex in about 3 weeks because I’ve been so turned off from sex, despite him asking for it.
What else can I do to convey to him that I need something more from him?
25 comments
Let me talk to him seriously I got you I’ll convay what you mean then I’ll get to you…….lol no joke I don’t know what I’m doing but speaking to both of y’all separately I can see the paradigm of each individual then you come up with solution for the issue at hand that haven’t been spoken expressed but one thing is this you can’t compare even tho you don’t do it on purpose we all compare ourselves to others when we should compare ourselves with yesterdays version of ourselves. Evaluate your relationship with ur husband see where u can make some changes or adjustments yes of course it’s on him for having slowed down o the romantics but you have to lead by actions so if u plan a movie night who knows maybe he’ll pick up the hint and take y’all on a vacay to an island
I think the mistake you made was comparing your marriage to someone else’s. You should’ve just said you want these things because you want them (which you do), but now it’ll feel like a competition. He may not feel like he always has to keep up simply because it’s a “show”.
The best way to move forward is first with an apology and then restatement you want specific things because you want them.
“Hey, I’m sorry for comparing you to the other couple. That’s unfair of me and I’m sorry. But I do want to talk about how it feels like we may be on cruise control. I’d really like you to do some of the things you used to do when we were younger, XYZ. I don’t want them because I see others doing it, I want them because I remember how you used to do them for me. Can we talk about that?”
Have you guys tried individual therapy and marriage counseling at all?
Perhaps you are looking at your husband a lot and not looking at yourself. A marriage like this, builds over time, it’s not enough just to expect your husband to do romantic things for you, you have to do it too. Ignoring it is not the answer. My husband and I are like that and we’ve been married for 23 years. The other day a friend said: “Your husband loves you very much, I can see how he looks at you!” You can be sure that I feed this love always.
Can you try initiating some romantic gestures yourself? Maybe planning some romantic nights just to get the ball rolling?
I wonder if you considered that instead of withdrawal and bitterness. You tried putting in the effort and work to make him want to be more romantic and outgoing? The first thing I see nearly every time is that the woman says I no longer feel like having sex, instead of I decided to rock his world.
Comparison is the thief if joy
You need to tell him that you don’t need these thing to “show it to the world”. You need him to do things to show to YOU that he loves you. Not just by saying it. By showing it. You show your kids you love them by attending to their needs, showing up to their activities, taking an active role in their lives and interests. He needs to do this for you also.
There is some good advice here on how to ask for what you want without comparing, but also for yourself keep in mind that things often seem ideal from the outside. I once gave my husband’s friend as an example when we were arguing, and later found out from the friend’s wife that they were in couples therapy because he got physical with her. Another couple I knew were all touchy-feely and also flowers for no reason. Then she let it slip that he had a gambling addiction and gambled away enough for them to not be able to buy a house for a while. I am sure a lot of people think my husband and I have a charmed life, but we have our challenges too.
As others have stated, a conversation about your relationship, without bringing up comparisons with others feels like a good start.
Though I’m also curious about what romance you show him? To be a little frank, your post seems very one-sided, with no mention of how you show romance and affection towards him. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango; was your husband solely to blame for the evaporation of romance?
Men don’t just want sex from their partner; affirmations of love, messages showing you’re thinking of him, plan nights without distractions and phones.
I’ve personally been in several relationships where the romance “died” when really it was only me that was bringing any romance to the relationship, and I got tired of carrying the burden.
Even 20 years later, I still remember how hurt I felt when I would engage in a film she wanted to watch, then when it was my turn to choose a film, she almost immediately rolled over and went to sleep.
Have you also observed Julie’s interactions with her husband and how that may differ from how you interact with your own husband?
How has your sex life been besides the past 3 weeks?
Do you often comment about how other wives have it better to your husband or is this something new?
“I wouldn’t change the life I’ve built with my family for anything”
…until you see another woman receiving something you’re not. Then it’s “no sex for you”.
You don’t mention a single thing that you’ve done for him. Do you try to make him feel wanted, or is this all about how he needs to make you feel? You feel unwanted due to his lack of special gestures, but how do you think he’s feeling right now?
From your husband’s perspective you just met a new couple and now want him to act like that guy. Not just asking for it, demanding it, and withholding sex until you get it. Great plan, I’m certain that won’t generate any sort of resentment from him.
You say you agree with him about not comparing your marriage, and you say that you were quite happy until seeing their marriage, but one or both of those statements is false. You are clearly comparing your marriages and have fallen in love with the marriage this other couple appears to have from the outside.
As many others have said, look inward. Make him want to treat you that way. Right now you are using “the stick” to get what you want.
Maybe you need to start dating him again. Ask your husband out for a date and get all dressed up for him. Let him know you would like to do this once maybe every two weeks and you would like to take turns planning it. My parents have been together for almost 40 years and that’s what they do. Or my mom goes out and buys him his favorite coffee every once in awhile. My mom doesn’t like flowers so my dad gets her dessert. No one knows your husband better than you. Maybe you invite him to a movie, dinner, ice cream or even a walk. You can’t make him change but maybe you can start a new tradition with him of doing small things together
Remember, no matter how wonderful a woman seems. Somewhere, someone, is tired of her bullshit.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I think you poisoned the well by comparing your husband to another man.
I think you could try to do the things that you’re wanting from your husband to show that you are also in love with him. You could also schedule dates and time the two of you get together alone.
Do you do anything for your husband? Sounds like you both are letting the fire die out
So your first thought was to weaponize sex? Are you sure maybe its not partly on you.
No self improvement mentioned anywhere gotta love it!
You need to ask what he needs from you and what he isn’t getting from you for him to treat you how you want to be treated.
This Was the turning point in my relationship.
It’s hard not crave each other when you booth are giving each other exactly what you want.
So yeah, Start with asking him what he needs from you. Find out how he needs to be loved. Make the first move with acting on his needs and i bet he comes around.
Other wise you will keep talking to a wall and he will keep thinking you’re comparing him to another man.
Stop hanging out with the other couple. You were perfectly happy before you met them, and now you are not.
Comparison still fun.
Imagine your husband comparing your relationship with his friends. In this case their wives. How would that make you feel?
>I’ve been married to my husband [42M] for 10 years, together for 16. We have three kids together and **I wouldn’t change the life I’ve built with my family for anything.**
*Proceeds to rant about how unhappy she is with her life
I’d say that comparing yourself to your friend is defo not helping! The grass isn’t always greener on the other side!
Maybe a have a chat with your husband about what the both of you need from each other! It’s a two way street
What do you do for your husband? Have you ever got flowers for him? Do you give trailing kisses down your husband’s shoulder when he sits down? Do you plan random dates with him? Or do you just expect all of these things and enjoy your life?
All you’re hearing from Julie is what her husband does for her. No guy is putting that much effort without receiving similar effort back, and it sounds like you’re just expecting the world from him while you haven’t told us what you do for him.
Withholding sex because of a problem you created yourself 😂😂
When he has a need, you completely ignore it. In the same way, he can completely ignore your needs too. Stop being toxic 🤢