Is there a happy medium between having access to each other’s phones vs none at all? Or do you think phones are a very private and personal thing, like a diary?

34 comments

  1. I think there should be an openness to privacy as well as a healthy respect to it!

    I can access my bf’s phone whenever I want, but I trust him and respect his love for me to not do it, and believe that he has nothing to hide.

  3. I wouldn’t have any problems with my partner asking to use my phone for something if it was more practical in the situation. But I would never give overall access to it, and I would never ask to be able to randomly look at his. It’s a personal device with access to conversations, pictures, notes, and other private matters that isn’t anyone else’s business, I just don’t see the need or the point. And one obviously doesn’t need to do anything they shouldn’t in order to want privacy or not feel monitored.

    If someone’s worried about what the other does on their phone, then there’s a different problem entirely that isn’t solved by keeping track of someone’s apps or texts or whatever.

  5. I assume privacy unless the other person asks me to get on their phone. And with my partner, it’s such a pain in the ass. He has all his icons in the wrong (to me) places. And for my other partner, I don’t think I’ve ever had a need to jump on his phone. But maybe he has agreements with his other GFs? I assume privacy there, too, but that’s not confirmed.

    I get it. I’ve been young and had shitty partners who I tried to control. I should have just broken up with them and gotten into counseling rather than trying to monitor them all the time.

  6. It’s whatever fits the couple. My husband and I don’t go through each others phones or know phone passcodes. It’s how it’s always been and it works for us – so there’s no need to change it.

    However, I’ve seen where some couples need full transparency – especially after infidelity.

    It’s really dependent on the couple.

  7. I don’t care what other people choose to do in their own relationships, but I don’t particularly consider my phone private from my partner. We each have each other’s passcodes and logins and can access each other’s phones at any time. For us, we trust each other and respect each other, so there’s no reason to need to lock our phones down against each other. Neither of us digs through each other’s phone or anything like that because we don’t feel any need or desire to do that. If one of us thought that there was an issue, we would just discuss it. If I or my partner needs to use a phone for any reason, we are welcome to use each other’s if needed, but that’s not something that is needed on a regular basis for us. For those emergency and unforeseen circumstances where it would be, we both have access.

  8. For my marriage, we are an open book. I trust him with everything, he trusts me with everything. There’s no reason I need to look in his phone or really even use it, but if I went to grab it to search something or looked through it, there’s no issue with that. Same for me. If he wanted to grab my phone to look through it, I couldn’t care less.

  9. Depends on what stage of the relationship. If you’re just dating then I feel like it’s still a private device and that giving full access is a bit too much.

    If you’re in a long term and established relationship then that’s the way for me, especially if married. My husband and I share everything and we have no secrets, he has my phone’s and social media passwords and I have his.

  10. My husband and I are very respectful of each other’s privacy and space. We are also very open with each other! We use our phones openly in front of each other all the time, we have the other open up notifications to read texts to each other, and we feel comfortable leaving our phone in the other’s presence if we need to. I know I could go through his phone and look through his stuff, but I don’t feel the need to since we are already so open and transparent with each other.

  11. My husband and I have each other’s phone codes for things like texting/calling/controlling the music while the other is driving.

    We do not go through each other’s personal stuff like messages, history, or notes though, because we trust each other to not hide anything that the other deserves to know.

  12. Free access to each other phone but it would be weird to spend too much time on it or without purpose. With the exception of when it’s close to a birthday or to Christmas (doubled with a “Don’t go on Amazon!!”)

  13. There should be no need to check each other’s phones. And there should be nothing to hide that would prevent you from seeing their phone anyway.

  14. I think trust plays a big roll. You both know that anything of importance will be shared freely.
    Even if you have full access, you still respect their privacy and don’t look for reasons just to be on their phone.

  15. I’ve never been in a relationship where we’ve had full access to each others phones, but I have nothing to hide so I have no problem with it so long as it goes both ways. Although there’s still a degree of privacy everyone is entitled to. I wouldn’t go through all of my partner’s private conversations.

  16. A year into our relationship, my bf and I broke up for 2 weeks because he went through my phone. Had nothing to do with cheating or other people; I was having an issue with his mom and he basically snooped to see how I really felt about her.

    He did NOT like what he found.

    That was four years ago and to my knowledge he hasn’t done it again. I changed my password and didn’t tell him and he never asked. If he wants to open my phone to put on a song he hands me the phone instead of asking the code.

    I don’t hide anything on my phone from him. He can go through anything. Just not alone without me even being awake. That was a massive fucking betrayal and he knows. Both of us were very unhappy with each other for a bit. I have never gone through his phone for any reason. I don’t feel the need to.

    My phone is private and personal and so is his. That being said, I don’t actually have anything to hide and he could use it if he needed to for any reason. I let go of my grudge against his mom a long time ago. Cheating isn’t an insecurity in our relationship. I don’t have much reason to ever use his phone but I use his computer and he’s never been secretive about anything on there. That being said, I’m not gonna snoop. I’m happy to just jump on and play Stardew

  17. In 11 years, I’ve never felt the need to look through my husbeans phone. He’ll share stuff with me on it, but I don’t take it and scroll through extra stuff. He feels the same about mine. If he asked I’d show him whatever was on my phone but he’s never felt the need to ask.

  18. No such thing, I never go through my partners phones. If I do it’s because I’ve had more than enough reason to, and that is usually the beginning of the end. My phone is easily accessible as I have nothing to hide ever.

  19. I think phones are private. I don’t want to look through his and he’s not to look through mine.

  20. If you’re in a secure happy healthy relationship you will have access to each other phone but rarely if ever go through it.

    People act like it’s some insane violation to go through your partners phone as if when you’re married you don’t share bank accounts and homes, mortgages, cars etc. and have access to all those things. It’s weird. If you don’t have anything to hide you wouldn’t care. Many people cheat so questioning human nature sometimes is literally quite normal, it can happen to anyone even if you think you are or have the perfect partner.

  21. It depends on the couple i guess. I like my privacy and would respect the others as well. I think there is a difference between using it for practical reasons vs to go through their messages and searchlogs to test their faithfullness.

    I dont feel the need to check the others person phone and wouldnt like if they demanded to go through mine. Going through a partners phone without permission is a big no-no unless you have reason to suspect something weird is going on.

  23. I believe that you should be able to look through each others phone without any issues but never feel like you have too. If you need to look through each others phones then you know it’s probably time to leave.

  24. Lol my partner would never give me his phone even if he was on his deathbed, in the hospital, etc. doesn’t matter.

  25. I don’t think getting into a relationship means you abdicate the right to privacy. I wouldn’t date anyone who expected or wanted free access to my phone. My husband and I always have our phones on us, so there’s no practical reason for us to have free use of each other’s, and I’m not comfortable with the idea of an SO looking through my texts or social media because it’s a strong indicator of distrust and because I’m allowed to have my own thoughts and life, idk.

    In practice, my husband and I will occasionally send a text for each other or change the music while the other is driving. I’m fine with that because it’s a thing we both consent to and obviously has nothing to do with trust. I have no interest in looking through my husband’s phone, and if I did, that would be an indication to me that I don’t trust him and that we have things to work on.

  26. I really just don’t think it should be an issue. It’s not a private thing for me.

  27. I changed my passwords and lock codes to something my fiancé can remember. The last thing I need is for him to not have access to my phone or computer when he really needs it.

    He doesn’t feel the need to go through my things and I don’t feel the need to hide them.

  28. My phone’s passcode is between me and the Russian hackers on the dark web.

    Although there’s totally enough trust there for me to unlock it so he can put in directions while I’m driving.

  29. I will be open. He can check my phone out but he should be equally open. That doesn’t mean that it should be used every week to check. We shouldn’t have to feel that way.

    The option should be there, the trust to be sharing your password with your partner

  30. The way that I have always handled it is that our phones are our private property, and we *can* access each other’s phones, but we don’t and we trust each other enough not to. So like, I have my partner’s passcode and I can use his phone if I *need* to, but I respect him too much to just go looking through it. And if I have the desire to go looking through it, I talk to him about that and why it’s happening.

  31. My boyfriend and I know each other’s passwords, but we don’t look through each other’s phones.

  32. My ex used to have access to everything and even though I did nothing wrong, he used to make fun of me for having some conversations. Like if read my chat with a friend, he made fun of my spelling or grammar. I got so insecure, that later I didn’t let anyone come near my phone.

  33. Me and my fiancé are very open about it. We share everything anyway, there’s nothing to hide. I mostly use his phone to take cute pictures and leave them in his gallery. He has a habit of taking embarrassing pics of me😂 but we let each other look through our phones.

  34. We got married when I was the sole person who was in our friend group with a phone. It was a GTE Bronze bag phone and I think it was a dollar a minute. Used for CRITICAL work calls only.

    When we first got a flip phone, we shared a single phone for a few years. Only because of work travel did we ever get a second.

    So our state of things might be different than a younger generation. We have the same passcode on both our phones because we only lock in case of loss or theft, not each other.

    When my phone had issues, I used his until my replacement arrived because I needed it for work and he stays home. Our emails (all but my work email and as a regulated user all emails are electronically scanned, recorded on a cloud server and kept for 7 years minimum. Personal emails are flagged as an issue.) are set on both of our phones and we can read anything the other received or sent. How often do we? Rarely-but it’s there. Could one of us set a private account? Sure. I know I have not. I have no reason to believe he has.

    I don’t have secrets from my husband. I do like a level of privacy. I surprised him with a major experience for his 50th when COVID ruined what we’d planned for the two years prior. I feel I have privacy if I request it. He has said the same to me.

    If I can’t trust him with my phone and vice versa, what am I doing with him?

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