How have you felt about/dealt with partners not making effort or only low effort for anniversaries?

12 comments

  1. Depends on how you define that, I guess.

    I don’t require high effort anniversaries, so I’m absolutely fine with it. My preference for anniversaries is to enjoy spending time together, wish each other a happy anniversary, and spend our time together being grateful and happy for our life together. I’m not a fan of making a big production out of it, so I’m totally fine with partners who are similarly low-key about it.

  4. That’s fine. Life is busy, our twin toddlers take up a lot of energy from both of us

    I’m good with a flower and a kiss, and sex if we both feel up for it

    I’m more of a appreciate the day to day effort than want a big thing kinda gal

  5. I’ve always discussed these sorts of things (gift giving, birthday expectations etc) with my partners fairly early in the relationship- a few weeks before Christmas/ birthday/ anniversary/ whatever. That way we both know what’s wanted by the other, and can come to a compromise if needed.

  6. It actually works out well that he is a low-effort guy with this (hes the “hey I bought your favorite chocolate because you had a bad day” kinda guy instead of all out for anniversaries kinda guy) because I grew up with a father who went all out for anniversaries.
    It was empty gestures, often causing extra work for my mom in the end (like meter-long roses she had to stand and cut so they fit her vases or cook the meat he bought or prepare for guests) but something he could easily brag about and have everyone go “aw you’re such a good husband”

  7. I used not to care about it since I’m also not interested in celebrating anniversaries, birthdays, etc. Because it felt like a chore

    That’s until my ex ( long-term) relationship ended, and I got into another one ( healthier _ happier) I actually think I didn’t care because I didn’t love my ex and he didn’t care as well .

    With my current love, I feel like I want to invent an event every day to celebrate. It is actually going more smoothly than I have ever expected. We both want to celebrate every second of our relationship it’s insane how much i care about those little things that I used to hate before

  8. “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

    It all boils down to how much effort they put into the relationship on a regular basis.

    If they’re constantly showing you that they care but are dropping the ball on “big” occasions, it’s absolutely worth a conversation. If they genuinely care, they will care about your feelings.

    But if you’re looking for “big” occasions to help you feel loved or wanted, that’s a problem in and of itself, and if your partner is still not putting in effort… that’s all you need to know.

  9. My husband shows he loves me every day. I don’t need an annual trinket to remind me of that.

  10. No expectations means less chance of being disappointed. Basically my life motto.

  11. It’s just exhausting and disappointing to put effort into those kinds of things only to receive the bare minimum in reciprocation.

  12. We knew too many who ‘suffered’ with this so from Day 1 we did an ‘every other’ situation where he planned our Honeymoon, I did 1st anniversary, he did second and then in the ‘big years’ of 5 and 0 ending starting with the 10th, we plan those together. Money for the odd/even comes from our personal accounts and money for the big ones come from our shared household budget.

    He has gifts as a love language, which puts pressure on ME because that means gifts he cares about the meaning of each gift so deeply and I can’t just buy a watch or ring…I feel the need to get something he’s deeply touched by. We give each other gifts, but the events tied to it come from the person ‘on deck’ for the year.

    We dealt with a possibility for low effort by collaborating and setting up a way to ensure high effort by each of us. I highly recommend this to many!

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