[Tl;dr] Do most men ask or make sure they get the job done?
I brought this up to my partner a long time ago and he seemed so stunned by it – like he had no idea he wasn’t making me come? (I can just fine without him.)
I asked him if he was aware that I never finished and why he never asked or made sure or seemed to care – sex begins and ends when HE chooses.
His answer was basically a very awkward “I didn’t know.” And “I just assumed you did.”
I know, shame on me for not bringing it up like in the very BEGINNING of our relationship. But way back then, I had just left a very violent relationship and I was honestly just happy to be with someone who wasn’t beating me. These things didn’t matter so much then.
Fast forward a few years, and I finally was like.. wtf?? Where is the communication and why doesn’t he have any care at all about my satisfaction? This is very much a one way road.
Needless to say, things never improved. It made sex just get more awkward over time. For that and MANY other reasons, our relationship is ending now anyway. Past the point of no return.
I guess my question is – is it weird that this didn’t matter to him? Is that common? Do I have a right to be really angry about this? He acts like it’s no big deal. I guess I have no idea how most people approach this topic – do most men ask or make sure they get the job done?
20 comments
It’s impossible to say what most men do or don’t do, because we don’t have the stats and anyway those stats would be self-reported anyway. There are plenty of guys to whom it matters a great deal that their partner orgasms.
You can take this forward into your next relationship — even a short term thing, a hookup, whatever — and remember to communicate it early or break it off if the guy seems uninterested in your pleasure. Some guys may need some guidance, so in that situation show him how you would like to be touched and what gets you off. Don’t be afraid to do whatever gets you off when you’re on your own.
INFO: Why have you been dating this man for several years?
This is a serious question. I am genuinely curious.
Why would it matter how many other men act the same as your partner?
Would anything change if he had said “I didn’t know, but Peter from down the road didn’t know either!”
It bothers you. That’s it. Act according to that.
I always make sure my gf is satisfied, but none of you should care about that.
Well tbh some men find it difficult to talk about these things. And you haven’t communicated yourself about this until a few years in (i think). So you both have some blame in this.
Personally yes, i have a very open communication about our sex life with my partner. So i know what gets her off and what doesn’t and take that into account.
For me it’s very important, perhaps to much. In his defence men are given somewhat mixed massages though. We should make sure that the woman orgasms, but we also shouldn’t ask if it they did. In all honesty between different women it might be easier or harder to tell for sure.
The main question now is if he cares after you told him? If he does, great. If he doesn’t, nothing will improve.
No clue about most men but of all the men I’ve slept with only my fiancé is able to get me
There – and he does, a staggering 99% of the time.
A man who is invested in his partners pleasure will be INVESTED in it. They will listen to pointers and ask you how you feel and initiate foreplay focussed on you without prompting.
It is possible. These men do exist. And funnily enough my fiancé didn’t even start out as that kind of man – I brought up I was having trouble getting there consistently and while he did take a couple days to nurse his ego, we had a couple more conversations about what to do and he then threw himself into learning my body better.
Honestly, you can make it fun (it should be fun) for both of you. Try out new things and experiment a little. Try out different toys and positions and motions.
Being good at sex is 4 parts effort, 4 parts listening, and 2 parts practice. Your partner, from your comments, isn’t listening and isn’t putting effort in. He’s gotta be all in because right now he’s just practicing being bad at sex
Nah, most men do care. Your partner doesn’t.
He might not be beating you and that’s definitely an improvement, but you’re still not important.
You should communicate if YOUR needs are not being met. Men are not mind readers for the 1000th time.
In my experience (one offs when I was young and wild, and several loving & LT relationships) — one offs? Guys don’t really care that much, and that was one of the reasons I realized they were no longer for me. LT & loving relationships? Yep, every single one of them cared, asked, made sure & took my guidance.
I don’t understand how you’ve let this go on for years. This man clearly doesn’t give a single fuck about your pleasure and I can’t imagine that’s only true in the bedroom. Even if we could excuse him not knowing initially (which, come on) he knows now and still doesn’t care.
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Some women don’t like it when men ask “did you come?” It puts pressure on them.
You have to advocate for yourself to some extent. Tell him how to get you there. There’s a lot of variation among women in terms of orgasms, especially compared to men.
This guy doesn’t sound like a prize, but I think in your next relationship you should be more proactive. Early on, tell your partner a few things you’d like them to do in bed.
Orgasm is 50/50, you have to voice your needs and assist in reaching orgasm, telling your partner “You dont make me orgasm.” Isn’t helpful in the long run.
If you explained to him how he can help you orgasm and he ignored you, thats on him. If you just stated it like every man should just know how to make a woman orgasm, thats on you.
Details lack in this story.
My previous boyfriend would observe me lay there quietly during sex, clearly not enjoying it, and never address it afterward. The first few times I let it go. Maybe he forgot. After a while, I asked him if he cares if I orgasm or not, and he said he cares. So I asked him why he never asked, and he just shrugged and said he felt embarrassed and awkward about asking, and didn’t want to put me on the spot. That was understandable on some level, but I do wish that he had cared more about my pleasure/comfort than about his feelings of embarrassment around talking about it. He said he never had this problem with women in that past, which was an incredibly rude thing to say (and I seriously doubt that). Also, a lot of guys have unrealistic ideas about sex from watching porn. It conditions them to think women orgasm quickly, easily and always ready to go. They think that if sex doesn’t happen this way, there’s something wrong with the woman. It’s really sad how bad some guys are in bed from watching porn. Glad to hear you’re moving on you at least learned something from this experience.
Why don’t you communicate what you want? You can’t just expect you partner to figure it out like some damn Rubik’s cube. If you’re not getting off through normal sex, your needs are unique and you need to guide your partner in doing what works for you. If you told him exactly what to do and your bf didn’t do it, then you can be angry. But if you didn’t communicate it well, that’s on you.
It doesn’t matter what “most” men do or what is “normal.” Who cares? It matters that you talk to your partner about what you both want sexually and that you respect each other’s needs and do your best to satisfy each other’s desires. While I am personally very invested in my wife’s orgasms, I would also feel blindsided if after [x length of time] she suddenly told me I was missing something mission critical that she simply never mentioned before.
IMO, no, they do not. A surprising number of men think that just by doing PIV their lady is finishing …every time. Idk how or why this thought process occurs, but I think if you don’t address it really early on in the relationship it’s very awkward to come back from.
So grateful my now husband insisted that I clearly finished when we first got together….it felt a little weird to talk about but he sorted it in no time at all 😍🥰
He didn’t care before and he didn’t care after. That should tell you all you need to know.
There are plenty of guys who will care and plenty like your boyfriend who never did and never will.
It’s up to you to make sure you are with one who cares.
My husband is the only partner I’ve had who makes sure I finish every single time. That’s why I married him lol. I could not be in a relationship with someone who didn’t satisfy me in bed.
From my own experience, and from talking to friends, it seems like it’s the norm for men to be bad lovers. And a lot of women fake it, which doesn’t help matters. I’m sure most men are under the impression that they are blowing their partners’ minds and would be shocked to hear that they really aren’t. This is also why a lot of men experience their partner’s declining interest in sex over time–their partner isn’t climaxing, so there’s nothing in it for her, so sex eventually becomes an unappealing chore.
I’m convinced I hit the jackpot with my husband! I’ve been sleeping with multiple times a week for fifteen years, through three children, and I’m still completely satisfied by him.
So from my personal experience yes men ask. I don’t normally reveal my body count but I will do you understand most men genuinely care that they you enjoy having sex with them. 3/4 men I have had sex with asked me if I came afterwards and were determined to help me climax. The only one who didn’t was my ex who was also physically abusive.. But I also suspected that we were both virgins so I am not entirely sure if he genuinely didn’t care or didn’t know. And because he was my first I was not in a place where I could help guide him.