So I (29) went on a first date Friday night with a man (31) that I’ve been talking to for a little over 2 months. We met through mutuals, he added me on IG and it kinda just went from there. There was no actual intent on dating the first month of chatting—there was friendship and it naturally grew into more. We texted everyday and FT. We didn’t meet up as quickly because he lives 2hrs away and he had lagged on the 3 previous attempts to hang out… (yes I know how that looks) it was always bs excuses (I’m sick, my eye is red, I’m scared to meet you because I’m not social) but somehow I was dumb enough to look past it. I knew he was extremely shy.
He finally made plans to visit me on his day off and decided to book a room suggesting we have dinner and meet for breakfast the next morning…but red flags were starting to appear before he even got to my city for example when I asked for his eta so I can “get ready” he replied with a snarky “why would you need to get ready? I told you I always look like a bum. Don’t dress too nicely it’ll just make me feel awkward.” I thought it was weird but I decided to reassure him (like I always had to do) despite the uneasiness knowing he had self esteem issues due the constant self deprecating remarks he made about himself to me.
So he makes it to the hotel, tells me he doesn’t want to pick me up because he’s driving an old car and that he needed to “reset before meeting me.” So I was like sure that’s fine. I thought maybe he just wanted to lay down for a bit or something.
He tells me when to head out. I got to the restaurant approximately 5-8 minutes after him, greeted him warmly and I all got was a cold “did you see what I texted you? It’s a 40 minute wait.” I said “oh ok should we go walk?” (We were in a market place setting) Meanwhile he’s sulking and obviously annoyed he gets up “I guess” then I suggest we sit at an empty table so we could comfortably talk and he got even more irritated. We sit down, he tells me “this is annoying why would you pick this place knowing I don’t like crowds I feel like you did this maliciously and on purpose to take shots at me” he told me in a previous conversation that he doesn’t like crowds but in no way did I think to this extent… I was in shock! I again tried to reassure him that I would never do such a thing, even asking him if he wanted to go somewhere else. He declined “what’s the point I already put my name down”
He gets the “table is ready” text so we get seated and while we’re looking at the menu I mention I might just get something small BUT HE EVEN GOT ANNOYED AT THAT. “Why would you pick this place knowing you were just going to get an appetizer. It’s awkward that I’m going to be eating and you’re not.” Uhhh??? at this point getting up and walking out was running through my head. He ordered hot sake shots, took the first one without me lol. Told me to taste his cocktail so I took 2 sips and he said “might as well keep it, since you’re drinking it all.”
Fast forward to the end of the night…. He pays the bill and we walk outside. He offers to walk me to my car & asks me “where’d you park at?” I tell him I parked behind the theater. He replies “like I know where the hell that’s at”
Not even half way there I stop him and we exchange a few words gave him a side hug and dipped. When I got home I texted “thanks for dinner” he instantly responded “you’re welcome. I’m sorry for taking your time.” GUYS WTF I’ve never been treated this way and was in absolute disbelief.
After that text I blocked him on everything.
32 comments
Okay this is why I never chat longer than a few days with guys before meeting them IRL. This was a waste of your time. If you feel an online spark, go check ASAP if it’s there IRL also or not.
I’m crying for you
He kinda sounds like he has absolutely no self-confidence and thinks nobody could really care about him. So, he’s defensive from the start.
That guy is crazy
How the hell did this guy keep you on the line?
Major Red Flag. This alone would’ve deterred me from meeting up. He sounds very insecure and is most definitely the controlling type who gatekeeps his partner’s outfits and social life. Borderline abusive tbh since he didn’t even hesitate to be extremely rude on the first date.
>Don’t dress too nicely it’ll just make me feel awkward
Being insecure and having self-esteem issues is not an excuse. People choose to be polite and respectful
He’s got major control issues if he was like that on the first date, and imagine what he would be like if you were with him for an extended period of time. It would turn into something like “if you didn’t want to get beaten then you would have had dinner ready” may I ask why you bothered talking to someone that far away, and for that long before ever meeting? I’m sure there are tons of local guys around that would be willing to meet sooner. Am I right or wrong?
Damn you’re tolerant and patient.
That guy was a clown
I read all of your post, then as I scrolled back up to type my reply, I realised I had completely forgotten the part where this man was 31! I *might* have had a little more understanding if this dude was 21, but really? 31? How do you get to that age and think this sort of behaviour is acceptable? Inexperienced or not. This guy needs to realise that it’s not his looks holding him back, but his abrasive personality and unresolved issues. He needs to take a step back out from dating, get some therapy, and realise no woman is going to stick around to “fix him” and put up with his shitty behaviour for longer than a hot minute once they see all of the red flags waving in front of them.
You gave him the benefit of the doubt and gave it a shot. There are people out there who would’ve torn him apart, got up, and left. I think you did the best you could given the circumstances, and I think it was smarter for you to not leave because who knows how he might have reacted. Perhaps giving him some feedback before blocking him might have been helpful, but who’s to say it wouldn’t have fallen on deaf ears, and why should you have to open yourself up to the potential backlash.
On the plus side, he lives 2hrs away so it’s highly unlikely your paths will ever cross again. Consider it a lesson learnt and one of those “funny OLD horror stories” you can make light of with your friends.
I hope the next one works out better, OP!
Paragraphs are your friend.
Lol sounds like a terrible date
Dude is broken and given up i would say 🙁
Block this absolute insecure psychopath
I’m sorry girl, I was cringing that whole time while reading. It’s clear he had no self confidence. I’ve met a lot of guys like that and actually was stupid enough to date one. We could tell these guys the world and they wouldn’t believe us.
He sounds very insecure, but most importantly rude and unpleasant.
We all deserve love, patience, empathy and validation in life.
But no one is entitled to treating others to their moods and tantrums. His behavior is unhealthy, and unacceptable.
If you have any interest in talking to him again, I’d advise you make him understand that, because he needs to calm the fuck down.
But no one in their right mind could blame you for not wanting anything to do with him.
What a weirdo
well if he dresses like a bum (which he admitted) and acts like a bum (constant cancellations and whining), he’s probably a bum.
I feel for you, but this is why you should try meeting people at least within the first month. I can’t say that you wasted 2 months cause idk if you were going on other dates as well, but you probably would’ve saved some time regardless.
He just sounds like someone who complains about everything and is low effort (i mean…idk what your style is but I personally wouldnt date someone who openly admits to dressing like a bum even for a first date). It wouldn’t hurt to tighten your screening process a little bit more. Maybe make a maximum of how many red flags and then dip. I honestly would’ve left way sooner-idc that he drove 2 hours. Mans did it to himself.
This is hilarious and probably would be a story I retell if it happened to me.
The guy was literally at war with himself the whole time and you were caught in the crossfire. Guarantee this guy talks to himself like a scolding parent.
Honestly, it sounds like he’s experiencing and suffering from some sort of mental health disorder, driving his poor behavior.
It could be that he’s just socially inept, but this sounds a little more deeply rooted to me. Sounds like he’s incapable of recognizing and regulating his thoughts and emotions.
So, i wouldn’t sweat it. If he’s not sought help by now, when he clearly recognizes there’s a problem, it’s going to take a lot to get him there.
After some wasted time with men, I decided to keep the pre-meeting chatter to a minimum. No more than a week. That works a lot better and saves a lot of time and stress.
Sounds like a loser let him wallow in his shit pit.
What a rude oaf. Dating is a learning experience though so if this behavior comes up with someone else just delete and block. It’s not your responsibility to prop up his fragile masculinity. Learned this the hard way myself.
Just seemed negative from the beginning. I don’t think it’s your fault, but something in his life is making him behave miserable.
This guy seems to have Asperger’s. It’s a kind of autism that cannot read social or emotional cues. This can lead to lack of understanding or taking in consideration of the other in the conversation which can come off as stand-offish or insensitive.
He’s probably lonely and therefore going on dates, but his inability to make friends due his illness exacerbated his insecurity which compounds his issues.
Anyways, this is not your problem, OP.
That guy sounds like me 2 years ago before I moved out on my own, started taking responsibility for my behavior, and grew up. I’m way better now (I’m 23) but I cannot believe this guy is 31 years old. I’m very insecure but instead of projecting it onto others like I used to, I just took the shy route because it’s way better than being an asshole.
He was negative and whiny from the start. I think you were kind to put up with it and see the date through. I certainly don’t blame you for not wanting to see him again. He sounds pretty miserable, and it isn’t your job to help build his self-esteem.
His problem might not be the way he looks or dresses, but the fact that he never once tried to see things from your perspective or consider anyone’s priorities other than his own.
He seems like a highly insecure guy to the point where he thinks anything that anyone does may be out of malicious intent. Aren’t you kinda glad now that he didn’t pick you up, so he doesn’t know where you live?
I’ve been on dates like this. Men are very strange creatures.
I’m genuinely curious here: Why did you give this guy *so* many chances?
i understand he’s insecure, but some of the things he said/done to u were flat out mean. weird af. run!!!
I just think this guy should probably work on himself before dating based on what you said. Nothing wrong with being insecure but I think people should learn to love themselves before dating.
You dodged a bullet OP, thank god you blocked him, you don’t need a man like that in your life, you need someone who will actually seem like he’s into you and not self loathe over EVERY LITTLE THING