Do you feel like some people just win a “lottery” with friends despite social skills?

31 comments

1. Same boat here. I’m always fascinated by people who constantly catch a glimpse of folks they went to school with around town.

   It’s been 20 years since I’ve seen anyone from my graduating class. I feel like my head would screw off and float away if I ever saw some of them again.

   I have one friend in this state that I’ve been in for two years. He’s ten years younger and a raging alcoholic. I don’t drink that much and after that, no friends.

   Planning on moving to a new state soon because there isnt much here for me.

   I will find my tribe. I will find my people.

   And so will you one day.

2. I did! Tbh, everything is a mix of luck and skill. I had to develop my social skills but lost a lot of opportunities along the way because the timing was right but my skills sucked. I had a period where I was generally very popular among a particular group of people.

   Now that I’m more mature, I’ve been able to capitalize on what little opportunities I get to meet great people and have 2 friends my wife and I hang out with these days 🙂

   Behind my social life, there were lots of “he’s so weird,” lonely weekends, unsuccessful bar nights and even unsuccessful gaming nights. But I got somewhere in the end. You got this

3. Same same. Unlike a lot of grumps here, I really, really put myself out there. Lived in a many cities, gone to tons of events, met hundreds and hundreds of people, but they all just stay acquittances. But relationships take a lot of work, and it feels like everyone else’s social bandwidth is full already and don’t have room for me. I got no advice but to never give up, eventually ONE person will find room for you.

4. I’ve had really great luck meeting people and getting to know them.
   What’s your process?

5. for sure luck is important. or else i wouldnt be a 25 year old virgin.

6. And what’s worse is that how good of a person they have has ZERO impact on how easily they can make friends.

7. For sure, there’s luck involved in making friends and some are luckier than others. No matter what you do, I think some things just HAVE to fall into place to make a friendship blossom. I feel you tho. Ive moved a lot (though not as much as you) and it can really suck being on the unlucky end. Particularly watching other people get the experiences you wish for.

8. No. To have a friend you to be a friend. If you don’t put some effort into building the relationship you can’t expect others to either.

9. You will find your tribe

10. I see myself this way. I met a lot of ppl in my life, have been in many places, had several packs of friends and big family. Till 25yo I had really party life style. Had a GF and few shorter but close relations with girls. And all of this despite being a little bit shy and withdrawn person, with few breakdowns by the way and quite difficult life situation.

    I was lucky in some aspects indeed and I’m greatful for this. Today I’m trying to talk and be supportive to others struggling with anxiety or with introverts and encourage them to make a step forward. But in such a cases much depends on people around you, who are you surrounded with, your environment.

11. A lot of things in life are down to luck for sure. People who grew up in the same spot and have those friends you could say is lucky or not. I was a military brat and grew up traveling, served my own time and traveled some more, and have done a fair amount of moving around as a civilian just trying to find a spot I enjoy. I’ve been in the same spot now for a little over a year and am starting to make friends. I think in some ways all the moving has made me highly adaptable and able to fit in, however as I get older (30s) the less I want to just fit in and the more I’m interested in connecting with people who share my values and interests rather than just my taste in liquor.
    Spending more time developing my hobbies and character has helped me find friends who like to do the same shit.

    I dated a guy for a long time and watching him get fucked up with the friends he met in kindergarten weekend after weekend was boring and depressing. I think it works out for some people nd others just get stuck in bullshit cycles with people they randomly met as children.

12. It’s not quite a lottery. It’s a mix of social skills, effort, social status, genetic luck, random luck etc.

    You can definitely improve your chances by developing your skills, constantly making an effort to talk to people, being interested in other people, inviting people to do things etc.

    But there will always be people who have more success just due to dumb luck. It can be frustrating, but the lesson shouldn’t be to give up.

13. Yep. It’s a combination of personality and upbringing. If you’re personality is crap or were raised in an unwelcoming social environment, naturally you’ll lag behind your peers.

14. I really think so. But it can be a mix of a lot of different things, such as economic class, location, hobbies, being in the right place at the right time, etc.

    I think overall, the more socially acceptable of a lifestyle someone has, the easier it is for them to find friends. That’s kinda how it goes.

    Like, for me personally, I think I would’ve done better socially growing up if I would’ve lived in a bigger city with a wider variety of people. I have a lot of weird interests and probably would’ve been more likely to find “my people” that way.

15. Perhaps meeting too many ppl is the problem? Like perhaps you don’t really have time to take care of all those relationships and continue to strengthen them? I am an introvert and I only social when necessary. Surprisingly, I am often the one who ppl don’t forget lol. Like last week while I were traveling to a different city, an old friend actually recognized me and chatted with me despite me not remember him right away. He still remembers that I was the girl who made him a chocolate cake because he was allergic to strawberries. Point is, less is more. Relationships need to continuously be strengthened and nurtured. You don’t stop learning about your friends.

16. Same, it nevers fails to amaze me when I look on social media and see some friends from high school(its been 20 years since I graduated)still somehow manage to meetup and hang out and maintain a connection not only on social media but in person.

17. Yes

18. Look buddy friendships and social connections all are transactional ….if u become very successful or rich …ull find many people flocking to be with u … calling u texting u …they ll forgive or ignore your bad behaviours …. friendships at its core is selfish ….even if u have good social skills they won’t bother u unless they see u as higher status thn them and they won’t find anyone higher thn u easily

19. yes

20. >lot of people honestly just get lucky with friends, being in the right place at the right time

    This 100% !!

21. yes…It wasnt until my 30s I found 2 friends I genuinely like and enjoy being with

22. No lotteries in life, bigger friends would just prey

23. Relationships are built around shared interests and shared values. You have to be clear sbout who you are, and what you are about, in order for someone else to bond with you. There are also levels of friendship like concentric circles. Some people make friends easily because they are seen as friendly, easy-going, smart etc. That is one level of friendship, another level might be trauma bonding after a tough time together. Many people don’t tell you that they are getting coaching privately with their social skills. Ex. Being a part of a team means that you have someone to coach you up. Being a medical doctor/ professional means that you have a mentor that is guiding you and giving you feedback. That feedback is invaluable in making you a better version of yourself and that is attractive to most people. I agree some people hit the social lottery because their parents are social people and teach them how to be social. Other people hit the lottery because they have a unique skill or talent that people want to be around. This is a very nuanced area with room for lots of mistakes and that is ok. If people don’t allow you to make those mistakes, they were never going to be good friends to you anyway. You will find your tribe, but find yourself first:)

24. In my experience the people I put less effort in with like me a lot and the ones I put more effort in with take me for granted and don’t care as much. Problem is if I care about people I want to spend time with them and help them when they have problems. If I don’t care as much I’ll only hangout when they hmu and I’ll still help if they ask but I give way less effort and it makes them want to be around me more.

    Let me define less effort. I’ve worked customer service for the last 5 or 6 years. I’m polite and helpful but I don’t go outta my way to do so. I basically treat these people like customers who I don’t really want to deal with but still have to make them think I do. I get this feeling like im doing them a favor by being around them. I’m not proud of this. I feel like a shitty friend for not putting in more effort or wanting to be around them as much but a
    But due to mental health issues I like being around certain types of people who are less healthy to be around typically. Add in depression and motivation is non existent

    When I’m around people who I “click with” (usually people who are toxic in some way but are extremely fun to be around, or people who don’t put in much effort with me but occasionally make me feel special) I put in way too much effort and try to help them and constantly get this feeling like I’m bothering them even though I’m doing literally whatever they want or need despite it not always being the best choice for myself.

    See it’s a mix of how you feel about yourself around people and self respect. If you feel like you’re bothering people you will bother them. If you feel like you’re doing them a solid by being around they’ll usually feel the same way. If you go too far out of your way for people and hurt yourself in the process they respect you less. If you’re a good friend with proper boundaries they’ll respect you when you tell them no. Add in some scarcity. If you always say yes to hanging out, they won’t value your time as much.

    Just my two cents from the people I’ve been around and the way my dumb ass lives my life.

25. I absolutely know what you mean, because I am one of those lucky people. I am a complete weirdo and always have been, probably due to having an odd family and childhood trauma. Kindergarten was the last time I was super ‘popular’ in school and even then I struggled to understand social norms. As crazy as most 5 year olds are, I stood out out as REALLY wild, a really strange, crazy, and unusual child.

    Even still, I always had friends. Even when I actively tried to avoid other people. I remember in high school trying to hide out and be by myself at lunch, but other kids would still come find me and make me hang out with them. College, same thing. Someone was always talking to me or wanting to hang out with me. I only ever actively tried to make friends ONCE in college, to these very extroverted girls (IDK, they just looked so happy and fun I felt compelled to ask if I could sit with them, and they were like Of course you can sit with us!!) one of which has had a huge impact on my life.

    I don’t have a lot of close friends, I tend to hold people at acquaintance status until I’m sure about them, but lots of people try to befriend me. There doesn’t seem to be any real rhyme or reason as to why some people are like a magnet to others and some aren’t. I’m not friendly at all, I can be very self-centered, I’m low-key a crybaby, I’m not especially beautiful, I’m not rich, and I barely know how to act like I have some sense. There is just no accounting for taste, lol. Sometimes I get the feeling people are drawn to me the same way some kids like looking under rocks or something.

    Anyway! my point is try to focus on quality of friends, not quantity. I don’t have many friends but the few I do are gold!! I’d rather have a handful of friends than lots of faux-friends, KWIM

26. > Do you feel like some people just win a “lottery” with friends despite social skills?

    Yes, having the “right” connections and social circle is partially luck. Some examples:

    – Got lucky with rich parents? Chances are they know business owners, manager types, people in the position to hire, etc —> Easier to get your “foot in the door”
    – Got lucky with landing in a setting or area where there just so happens to be lots of single women around? —> Easier to get a girlfriend
    – Got lucky with being in an area with lots of younger guys who just so happen to have similar interests to you? —> Easier to make guy friends
    – etc etc

    The opposite is also true. ***For example:*** the last few workplaces I’ve been at I was one of the youngest dudes there (in my early 20’s at the time)… and obviously it’s going to be difficult to “make friends with” 40/50+ year old guys as an early 20’s guy 😂 And of course, this was also largely luck/happenstances – I had no way of knowing in advance that the workplace was going to be full of mostly 40+ older dudes

    Also you could find yourself in a “sausagefest” setting where there’s no single/available women nearby. I’ve known some pretty questionable dudes (no job, part-time job, neer-do-well types, etc) over the years who had no problem getting girlfriend after girlfriend. The common denominator? They just so happened to live in an area where they were in close physical proximity to hot girls (such as a neighborhood where lots of college kids live). And the opposite is also true, you can find yourself (thru luck) ending up in a physical setting, neighborhood, or workplace where it’s a sausagefest/no single women around

27. I would search for your local burner community. They embrace you

28. The main thing is: friendships need time, especially time to grow close to somebody. All of my current friends I’ve known for at least 5 years or so, otherwise you don’t really get that close. Basically what it comes down to is: to really grow something like a close friendship, most people need to set roots somewhere.
    If I get to know somebody and know they’ll move away again in the next few years, I’m not really going to invest a lot time-wise.

29. Everybody is different , i have a habit of making new friends where I go and losing them out of sight after 1-2 years , it’s not that I’m a Dick im just lousy at putting effort into any social relationship ,but I do notice I have less friends as I age and spend less time with the few friends I do have..
    I think men just get less social as they age. My dad for instance was a real social butterfly and now he’s practically a hermit .

30. Moving a lot can definitely make it harder to make and keep friends. I notice a lot of people around my age (also early 30s) are still close with their friends from high school and college. I went to two high schools in different countries thousands of miles away. Same with college. I’m still in touch with a couple friends from college but we live in different countries. If I had been able to stay there I’m sure we would have stayed friends. Everyone I befriended in my 20s after college moved to different cities and so did I.

    I’ve still been trying to make friends where I live now, but at this age most people already have their core group of friends or just a partner or young family that fills their time. Guess I missed the bus. Oh well.

31. I’ve lived in a lot of places and moved a ton from ages 6 to 18, went to 8 different schools. So I never had a problem meeting people and talking to people. I was always the new kid at school so people were interested in me. This was all before social media so there wasn’t a way to keep in touch with people. Most of the people I met at school have been growing up in that town most of their life so they have friends that are close. A lot of times we moved in the summer so I never got to hang out with the friends I made at school and we didn’t know anyone in the new place we moved. My father also picked quiet places to live so there weren’t many families with kids our age group to play with.

    Even now I have no problem meeting new people and talking to them but I have trouble getting people to be more than acquaintances. I’ll see coworkers I get along with well 1 on 1 but they’re texting with other coworkers way more than me. We hang out sometimes but I don’t like encroaching on people’s personal lives. If I text and they don’t text back I don’t want to keep texting to get simple responses.

    Big thing is some people just click. I don’t know what it is but some people are just like that. I have a former coworkers and we have a lot in common, I go 9ver to his house to watch UFC fights. He has others friends that come to his place for fights and I’ve met them several times and sometimes some of us can’t make it. I’ve gone over sometimes and I’m the only one there and I’ve had him tell me another friend of his was there last week for the fight. Like wtf you could’ve invited me? We’ve gone to the casino, strip clubs, restaurants, events and a bunch of other stuff so we get along well but I try to limit when and what I text him because I don’t want to feel like I’m bother them by constantly texting every few days checking what they’re up to.

    Plus america is a strange place sometimes, having grown up overseas also. Friendships and basically social interactions in some countries is way more easier. I’ve lived in places where you dont have to call people ahead of time and can just show up and make impromptu decisions to go eat. I wish I could take certain things from other countries and put that in America, so many people feeling lonely would suddenly be having active social lives.