34M here and my fiance and I are planning to get married this year. As title says, she never had a long term relationship since being an adult and is a virgin.
During our intimate moments, we always stop short of sex (she doesn’t like to receive oral and will never give me oral). She uses a vibrator to get orgasms sometimes, but never lets me perform fellation. Her initial view was to “save herself” for after marriage, which i regrettably accepted. However, she is open to the idea of having sex now. We had an open conversation about it as adults do, and she asked me to be patient.
However, whenever we have an initmate moment and I try to get handsy or go down on her, she pushes back saying she needs more foreplay and TLC before doing it. At other times, she talks about something random while we are getting frisky and ruins the mood. She also uses the “i’m tired” card frequently. There have been times where she has used all three of these deflection tactics in one go. She will never take the effort to take charge, wear nice lingerie or initiate making out/getting handsy.
She had proper sex-ed in school but still believes in misinformation like masturbation destroys the quality of eggs (we want to have kids and understand the challenges of late pregnancies). She made me get an STD test as I have had partners before her. I gladly obliged and gave her physical copies of the report. She was still low-key unconvinced and wanted me to do other tests (my GP said I didn’t need to do those tests as I would have had symptoms or be severly ill for those STDs).
This weekend, she asked me to take her out for a nice meal, have a few drinks and then she would finally be ready to go all the way. I groomed myself, bought her a gift, flowers and took her to a nice restaurant that serves her favourite cuisine. I also got a nice bottle of wine to relax and ease into the evening. I was really looking forward to having a good time with her and get rewarded for being patient. She was already feeling sleepy and had a tired look when we were kissing. I spent 30 minutes doing foreplay to try and get her to be relaxed. She just used her usual deflecting tactics again (tired, everything is sensitive, it hurts). But she never let me close anyhere and used her fingers to hold my member away. She then asked me to wear a condom because of possible STDs. Then she finished by asking me to stop as she is not ready.
These mixed signals and her comment about STD (even though I haven’t had sex since I met her) really turned me off. We had an argument and we both cried for 20 mins.
I felt like I was being patient, respectful and did the right things she asked for. Fiancé on the other hand just used hurtful words and excuses. All this while I was being blamed but I’m not rsponsible for her hang-ups.
She suggested we go couples counselling, but I think she needs to visit a sex therapist first followed by couples therapy. She also suggested we try again ” in a few months or weeks or days” – I was too upset to catch her out with her deflection again.
I love her but this behaviour has put a dent in the affection I have for her. We are getting married in 3 months. Advice?
TLDR: Fiancé 34F is a virgin and uses deflection tactics and hurtful words to get away from having sex.
24 comments
I hate to ask, but are you sure this is what you want for the rest of your life? She’s 34, and most likely this is just who she is.
Dude, marriage won’t automatically relax her or make all this ideas and preconceptions go away. Please, before marrying her, reconsider if *this* is how you want to spend you life with her.
Have you ever thought she might not be the right girl for you?
Sorry but talking marriage without having been to bed together, in 2023, is just crazy to me.
It doesn’t sound like this is for you OP
and I would seriously reconsider my options here.
As others said are you are going to have to decide if you’d be happy to spend the rest of your life with her exactly as things are now. No one should enter a marriage to a fictitious future version of someone, and that’s exactly what you’re doing. It sounds like she’s possibly either A. genuinely trying because she wants to do it for you but can’t get past her hang ups in the moment or B. Is fully aware of what she’s doing and just biding her time until you’re “locked in” so to speak. Neither of which sounds particularly healthy.
Good lord man. Break up.
Is she aware of asexuality? Maybe she has this? If she’s using a vibrating toy though she obviously gets orgasm? Maybe she’s not into you? Maybe she has so much anxiety about being with you when you have had partners and she really believes she wants sex to only be with her person for spiritual union?
Whatever she is it’s not good for you and you sound incompatible.
I absolutely see this woman coming to you with a cup and a syringe and asking you for your DNA to have kid. Cancel the wedding until she passes muster with a real sex therapist. She has *serious* sex hangups. These.do.not.fix.thhemselves. You’ll both regret it if you go through with this marriage in 3 months.
Yeahhhh, she’s never gonna change. Sex is never gonna be fun with her, just plan your escape now.
If She isn’t doing any of that now DO NOT expect it to change after marriage.
You don’t make it to 34 as a virgin without serious anxiety about sex. This doesn’t sound like something you can solve as a couple. She’s terrified, which is why she’s deflecting so much and being so ridiculous. It’s not like she’s being malicious. But at the same time, you don’t want to live your life with someone that hasn’t figured it out by their 30s. Your 30s is supposed to be the best time to have sex because you’ve gotten all the weirdness out of the way and you know what you’re doing.
Don’t even think about getting married, this WILL NOT change.
She need to to go therapy to get past her trauma. Don’t rush into marriage and think this will fix the issue. Or else welcome to r/deadbedrooms
You should not get married until she and you both get counseling and you learn how to communicate
Do not marry her until this is resolved.
Marriage will not suddenly make all these issues go away. But it will make everything much more difficult.
I had a LOT I wanted to say but it boils down to this. No one is owed sex and no one is owed a relationship. If you want to work on this with her you need to be aware fears this deep will take a while to overcome, but I wouldn’t blame you if you decided this relationship isn’t for you.
Sex is important yes but there are more issues at play. Poor communication, avoidance, shifting blame, and building resentment. She isn’t ready for sex, and although you wouldn’t the bad guy if you decided to opt out of this relationship you would be the bad guy if you pressured her into something she clearly isn’t comfortable with.
As you said she has deep hang ups, and while I understand why you’re upset it also wouldn’t be good of her to force herself or for you to make her feel like she is obligated to. If it happens it needs to be because you both want it to.
But as I said you don’t owe her a relationship, and fear or not it is MESSED up of her to insinuate you would lie/cheat and give her an STD especially after showing her you’re tested and clear.
Don’t marry this person. You are incompatible. Go read r/deadbedroom if you want to know what the future with your fiance will be like.
How can you marry someone you don’t know well?
r/deadbedrooms
Here, have this, will be useful in a year or so
It sounds like she is very uncomfortable with her body and has a lot of inflexible ideas about sex. Is she open to learning? In that case I really recommend “come as you are” by Emily Nagoski. You could read t together.
I don’t love ultimatums but I think it’s totally fine to say you can’t stay in a relationship where you feel your intimacy is completely doomed and so you’d like for her to get sex therapy and some couples counseling, work with you to actually explore each other’s bodies with baby steps, or you can’t in good conscience stay.
She probably feels that sex is an obligation owed to you now. This is her fault too, given that she is placing it on a pedestal and saying “you do XYZ things and I’ll be ready.” That sounds fine in the moment but is poison to someone who is already struggling. (To me it sounds like extreme sex oppression, either from religion or body confidence.)
She may feel like now your relationship is “contingent” on sex and be hurt that you’re not willing to stick it out through this. Calmly, you can explain that if this was just a phase, a dip or departure from the norm, it wouldn’t be an issue. In sickness and in health, right? Good and bad, right? But she’s never shown that you two can have a good intimate life together. This has been the baseline. And as it’s a priority for you to have that connection with your partner, you aren’t confident things will get better.
Is she offering sex *eventually* because she wants to get there and is struggling, or because she feels she has to in order to be in a relationship? If it’s the latter, and it sounds like it is, then that’s a shit situation for both of you. Her feeling like she has to do something to keep you happy, you knowing she doesn’t actually want to be having sex with you.
As someone who was raised with the mindself of “saving until marriage” I’d agree that she needs a sex therapist. She has trained mental and physical patterns on how sex should progress that does not include a partner and likely experiences a mental block that makes it difficult to get pleasure from things someone else is doing. Especially when she feels something different should be happening. I doubt she even knows how to process receiving pleasure because it has been “forbidden” for so long.
Sexual incompatibility is a perfectly legitimate reason to end a relationship, and you two are absolutely incompatible sexually.
You may feel like an asshole for breaking up over sex, and some people will definitely call you one, but is this really what you want the rest of your life to be like?