So as the title suggests. I’ve been devastated for the past 2 days.
I’ve been a bit suspicious of him for the past couple of months since his affection has been declining. I’ve been basically asking for attention lately… so after the suspicions started, I, very shamefully started checking his phone now and then. He never hides his phone from me, nor do I but I don’t think he ever thought of me actually checking it.
Last sunday, when he was showering, I grabbed his phone to charge it and started to close apps before doing so. Google translate was one of the open apps and I saw a very friendly looking french message was translated to our language. I opened the app very furiously to find even worse things.
In his translate history I found countless iterations of a very beautiful written admiration words translated to russian. Now, none of us are russian and I definitely didn’t received that message.
“I feel enchanted every time I see you, every time I see you I feel like I want to cry because of your pure existence.”
“You are the most beautiful thing ever created, pure elegance. Even on a simple screen, your lethal beauty fascinates me.”
We’ve been together for 2.5 years. If I were to collect every single compliment he gave me, multiplied by every day we spent together, still I wouldn’t have the same amount of admiration he gave to that girl.
He knew he was wrong. I checked instagram messages right after I saw the translation. Nothing. He knew and deleted right away.
I saw her too, after confronting him. She is the most beautiful person ever existed. I couldn’t even come close to her, could compete with her a thousand times. I’m brunette and she’s the most beautiful blonde I’ve ever seen. Her big green eyes, beautiful body. I just cannot think anymore, what was he expecting?
I feel stupid forgiving him, I haven’t yet but he’s been crying and promising that it meant nothing. That he never expected anything. That I’m the light of his life.
I’m so lost.
5 comments
His messages definitely didn’t mean nothing – even if he doesn’t have feelings for this woman, his actions show that he isn’t being honest to you about how he really feels in your relationship. I would leave him.
He’s looking for validation elsewhere and you feel like your relationship is lacking affection.
I’d dump him and move on.
He’s put an awful lot of effort into sending creepy messages to a stranger based on potentially (most likely) heavily edited images on her sm, rather than trying to bolster *your* confidence and improve his own imperfect relationship. You deserve better than that.
I would not forgive that. It definetly means something and he hoped to get anything out of this.
I would never write any model anything like that, especially not while I am in a relationship. He even walked the extra mile to translate that…
He clearly wishes to date a more beautiful woman than he thinks you are…. You deserve better.
I gave my ex gf’s lot of confirmation, compkiments and showed appreciation and I think that this is normal in a relationship. Sure not everyone has to express that and also not frequently, but you can expect, that if your bf doesnt give you that, that he wont give it to others aswell.
It surely is not as bad as if he would write that to a girl that he actually knows and that he might think he had a Chance with realistically, but I would still consider that as emotional cheating… You can find a partner, that appreciates you more than that. I would not let anyone treat me so poorly, but in the end you need to decide for yourself how much that hurts you and if you can forgive that. I dont think you should. He sounds like he would cheat, if given the opportunity.
It seems like there are two problems here. One is the trouble in your relationship with you feeling that you don’t get the validation and attention you need. The other is the messages.
In the first situation I would say it is very very common and normal and you need to address it. For example, sitting together and watching a movie might count as “together” time for him, but not for you. The occasional compliment from him he might think is sufficient while not for you. You need to talk about how you differ in these things, how you want validation (physical, mental etcetera) and how often. My wife wants hugs, kisses and small thoughtful gifts more than she wants compliments.
The other question is about the messages. First I want to say that it is very questionable of you looking through his phone. It is a breach of confidence and he has a right to be angry and demand an apology. Each person needs to be able to have some private space, knowing that the other won’t look. Maybe he needs to write a post like this one? Or talk to a friend about problems in your relationship.
I understand that the messages hurt you, but since it clearly is to an untainable person, I would believe him and move on. For me, it is like finding porn on the shared computer. You get worked up about it, sad, then forgives and moves on.
I would try and forget the messages and instead focus on how that made you feel and steer the conversation to your needs in the relationship.
To end it over this is ridiculous and you need to be able to have some private spheres from each other. Trust is the ability to accept that you have secrets from each other
Absolutely do not forgive that. It’s over.