I’m a childless, 27 year old female with no intention of having babies anytime soon myself; I just wanted to know from a biological fathers point of view, how it actually feels knowing they have children in the world that they don’t speak to/acknowledge/ or even know?
I just watched a TikTok video of a man walking up to strangers in the street and calling them “dad”, to which one of the strangers started running full speed in the opposite direction, and it got me thinking…
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Downvote away but any dad choosing not to be in a childs life, IE no mom blocking them, no mental health issues preventing them, you suck.
And you have statistically put your child at every disadvantage.
There are a lot of different circumstances.
* The mother never told them
* The mother took the child away or keeps the child from seeing the father
* The mother poisoned the relationship and the child doesn’t want to see the father
* They never wanted to be a father
* They have issues and can’t cope
> with no intention of having babies anytime soon myself
Imagine that you had no choice in the matter?
I have a 39-year-old child that I have never met. Shortly after she got pregnant, the mother moved up north without leaving a forwarding address.
The next I heard was a birth announcement in the form of a photo. Again no address.
My life was in upheaval around that time. I moved across country, lived hand to mouth, and there was no feasible way to track them down.
A few years later the mother tracked me down and called to see if she could come visit from 2k+ miles away. It wasn’t good timing. I was living with my fiance and our wedding scheduled to be in two weeks.
That was my last contact. Following that I lived overseas for the next 15 years or so. When I came back, I was still on the opposite side of the country.
A couple years ago I found the child’s address through an internet search. She was in her mid 30s and I couldn’t know whether she would even want any contact. I don’t really have much to offer the child at this time. I feel sad that I missed the opportunity to be part of that person’s life, but I feel like I would only cause pain if I were to enter the child’s life now.
Edit: Thank you to all who commented. I truly appreciate your willingness to share your experiences and insights. I will definitely send my child a letter.
Known donor. The intent is that the kids know me and that I’m half of their genes, but I have no parental duties or authority.
I’m not one. But my brothers and I had an interaction with one of our sister’s baby daddies.
My sister’s life is a shit show. When she got pregnant with her oldest daughter she was in the military. She managed to get a transfer to a base near to us. She never told the father he had a kid. Time goes on, she pops out a couple more with different men. Well the last one is a piece of work. They ended having the kids placed in foster care, with my parents who got certified, for 4 years by court order. They flourished, but she managed to get them back. Few more years to by. The oldest, who was a GREAT kid last I knew, was starting to have problems. So the brothers found the father, to see if he could be a stabilizing influence. One of us contacted him to let him know he had a 16 year old daughter. He lost his shit at my brother. Didn’t want anything to do with the poor girl. So clearly her taste in men held true.
Around 24 y.o living in another country and started going out with a girl that had a baby already. Fast forward a few months to the moment she told me she was pregnant said ” I thought we were trying” and I thought she said she was taking pills. Took me aback to realize what it meant what she had said. I was plain that I said didn’t thought it was a good idea to have another baby, didn’t have a clue what I wanted to do with my life and having a baby in a country I don’t know I want live for the rest of my life would not help, it wasn’t the right call from my pov.
We talked about it, and she send me off and made and me promise I wouldn’t show up years later trying to be amend because I changed my perspective.
So until she starts asking about her biological father, I don’t exist, she knows she has family in another country.
Invested in a fund so when she turns 18 there’s enough money to study wherever/whatever she want/can regardless of what happens until then.
How does it feels? Like a crap, specially early on.
But as with any mistake in life, you get used to carry the burden of your choices and carry your bag as best as you can.
I still think it was a bad decision to have the baby at that time and nowadays still.
For me personally, it’s that my child’s Mother is a narcissist. The mental anguish she causes me has been relentless. I took a step back, temporarily to save my sanity.
I recently did the ancestry DNA test and it connected me with a person who is apparently cousin of mines. His mother was 14 years old at the time of his birth and he is looking for his father. He’s in a whole other country where I have relatives but not sure if it’s even my place to turn those stones. Don’t think I’m going to but I’m not sure what to do.
Years ago I had sex with my first gf, however things didn’t really work out as we were both moving to different parts of the country. However, about 3 months later I saw her announce on Facebook that she was pregnant, and she was about as far along as the last time we had sex. We used protection, so I thought I had to be safe, but it still gave me this feeling dread that the condom broke.
A few weeks go by when she reaches out to me and asks for advice on what to do for an unwanted pregnancy. She assured me the baby wasn’t mine, which meant she actually cheated on me with some other guy, and that ended my mini existentialist crisis, but I always wondered if it’s possible the baby was somehow mine. She gave the baby up for adoption and they have a loving family from what I can tell, and like 90% chance it’s not mine. But there’s still this little voice in my head saying “that might be your kid.”
I am not completely out of the loop, but during covid, whilst caring for my father, an old flame came to visit me from another country.
In that time, I got her pregnant. I’m 90% sure she done it on purpose (she has an ovulation app and just so happened to ask to come visit me during that period she was ovulating). Regardless, it takes two to tango and I didn’t wear a condom so I only have myself to blame.
We have an extremely toxic relationship, I’m not going to go into details, but she’s said and done some terrible stuff. I’m no saint, but I’ve tried my hardest to make it work.
I’ve was there for the birth, I’ve brought her to my country to visit, I had a house for her and my kid to live in. I’ve been to her country a few times. One of those times ended up with me sleeping on a park bench.
I have no say in how she’s brought up. She uses her as a weapon against me in many different ways.
My father, who I mentioned I was caring for, died in February. As soon as he died, I asked the mother if I can come visit in April after I’ve dealt with the funeral, house, admin etc. all ok.
She asked me for £1000 a few weeks before, I thought about it, but said no in the end because I thought, F that you treat me like shit and violate my rights so why would I. (I didn’t tell her that, I just said I couldn’t afford it). The next day she made an excuse as to why I cannot visit.
So I said fuck it, I’m going away. I’m now in SEA. To be completely honest, after my dads long battle with cancer and me being his only family and carer. I’m spent. I have no energy to fight her right now. I need to rejuvenate. The last two years have been the lowest of my life. I’ve thought about the worst a few times
I try to have FaceTime with her (she’s only two and now starting to speak a different language) but it often ends up in arguments. Right now I’m at a point where I don’t know what the right thing do is.
My plan in my head, is continue to try make money online, so I can visit her country as and when I want, without being under her dictatorship. Right now it’s just not possible.
I feel extremely guilty, but at the same time, I feel like if I was to lump it and move there, I’d spiral into depression again, and what use am I to my daughter if I can’t be a man?
So here we are. I’m pretty lost right now in regards to it.
I still pay child maintenance every month, through choice not by force, even though I spent the last couple of months blocked on all devices.
It won’t be forever, but right now i guess I am an absent father.
Girlfriend didn’t tell me I had a kid and put them up for adoption. I have no idea how to find the kid. It feels bad and gives me a faint twinge from time to time, but I can’t help things that are out of my control.
Idk but sometimes I look back on my past ONSs and wonder if she really was “on birth control”.
My wife’s daughters bio dad never wanted anything to do with her, she kept trying for a couple years and finally gave up and moved on. I’m sure he has his side of the story, but it still sucks. She doesn’t give any info to her daughter, just that if she wants to know him she has to wait until she’s 18 to ask.
I have a friend who was doing business in Columbia, met a girl who he let drive his rental and wrecked it, as compensation she offered to be his sex slave for a week. She got pregnant, it’s his only kid, he sends her support and goes to see him a few times a year though. He’s very successful but never had a family.
To give another perspective, it’s the other way for me. My mum had me when she was 18. My Father didn’t want anything to do with a baby.
Growing up I felt as if my Grandad was my Dad but I still missed something. My mum has an amazing partner and wish more than anything he could have been my dad
A few years ago my mum gave me his name, I checked facebooke etc etc but wasn’t sure.
To all the dads thinking it has been too long since you last contacted them, it hasn’t. I have had a good life and not wanted for anything but just to know he thought about me once would be enough. Wandering what ime doing, would he be proud? Etc etc
I’m 39 now and have a son of my own. It makes it worse having your own. I can’t imagine not being in his life for a second. I will not be like my “Father”
Shit. He’s 22. Not seen him in a number of yrs. It wasn’t always bad. Times it was brilliant but we both suffered with mental health issues previously and between me and his grandparents, we decided we both get better and we’ll meet down the road.
I’m much better. Him not so much. What he’s going through he doesn’t want me there. His mam died 12 yrs ago suddenly. We were inseparable when she died. A number of years ago I took a mental breakdown. I wasn’t there for him and he had stuff going on too. Not seen or spoken to him since.
I’m in the best place of my life now in every possible way, he has an amazing sister he met twice. She has forgotten he exists as onlyna baby when met. Everyday I wake up hoping today will be the day he wants us to have a relationship again. I’ve regular contact with his family and they know its heartbreaking for me and tell me just to hold on and tell me how he’s doing.
The day I have them both in my new house sitting down eating pizza will be the happiest day of my life.
My daughter is 5 this year, my wife and I split in 2020 just before covid I have tried conversation, mediation and letters to no avail. My only option left is court it’s my goal for this year financially. It kills me everyday but I like to think everyday down is a day closer ❤️❤️
I was kept from seeing my son for 37 years. We met 4 years ago for the first time. It’s been amazing getting to know each other.
So I grew up kind of a fatherless child. I saw my dad until maybe 7ish, cant really remember but I’m 30 now.
My mom met him in New York and they hit it off. But when she got pregnant she felt compelled to move back to near her whole family which was a 7hr car drive away from my dad. She has many siblings and both parents so it made sense.
I believe that she tried to convince him to come with her but he didn’t want to leave all of his family in NY. I dont blame him one bit for this decision because I do believe each was doing what was best for them.
She ultimately decided while pregnant to leave and we tried to make it work by seeing each other every few holidays/long weekends.
Ultimately with the driving and logistics it faded out. He made the hike a few times and we made the hike a bunch. But my mom didn’t want me growing up feeling like I always wanted to see my dad but he was too far away/never available.
It got a bit odd with memories of no longer receiving phone calls or presents, but packages of pictures of him with his new wife, or a new car, or his newly painted house and my mom always was frustrated why he couldn’t have done more for me. But, I imagine he was trying to move on as well just knowing it really was never really gonna work out.
Even the phone calls after a while got shallow to the point where were just talking about the weather or his dog or how the Yankees were doing. So finally I think it was just decided that enough was enough.
Again, i don’t blame him at all for what happened. If i was asked to move 7hrs away, quit my job, leave my family with a newborn Idk if I’d say yes 10/10 times. And from his perspective he could’ve been upset that she didnt trust him to take care of us and just stay in NY. So that’s pretty much where I am with that.
What is weird tho is that he has an old facebook profile that I dont think he uses anymore. Ive seen it a few times out of curiosity and maybe one day I’ll reach out. But the same can be said about him. If he wanted to, he could find me and reach out. I dont have a facebook but i do have a pretty large digital footprint in Boston, MA
A woman I dated and am still friends with on social media had a daughter 9 months-ish after we we went our seperate ways. At the time she did hint at wanting children, but not necessarily looking for a father. She was reaching the age where she was worried she wouldn’t be able to have children anymore.
Anyway fast forward to a few years and every now and then photo’s of her and the daughter who has the same color eyes and hair as I did at that age, will show up in my feed. Sometimes I can see myself in her and it does make me wonder if she’s mine or not. Never saw a guy in any of her photo’s.
I have no idea if she’s mine and I don’t plan on asking. She’s a good woman and seeing the photo’s of her and her daughter together is quite heartwarming. And in a weird way, I guess I prefer not to hear that she’s not mine since I might not get around to having kids of my own some day, (although it’s something I’ve wanted with the right person. Just never met them) and this way, that desire is kind of met.
Sounds weird, I know.
My dad has so many ex wives/kids (most of which don’t know him personally like I did for 18 years) and let me tell you, he doesn’t care. You gotta be a certain type of person or a sperm donor to be uninvolved in the only people who could care about your legacy.
Also that video sounds hilarious but I couldn’t find it
A fairly nice woman propositioned me, so I obliged. That was it…then about a year later I think I saw her from a distance with maybe my biological child. I say maybe, because she could have propositioned someone else. About 30 years later, I did the genealogy test to make it possible for that person to find me. About 45 years now, and still nothing…but it is in the back of my mind. I do have 2 sons and 2 granddaughters now…
I do and it kills me. Between him not wanting contact, my dad dying, and working for a POS I spiraled into a deep depression. I got a new job and realized I needed some help and now I am on meds and crawling out of the depression pit.
Im curious as well. My father had 6 kids. And none of us have seen or heard from him in 12 years. He owes my mom close to $20k in alimony since he “lost his job” during the pandemic. But about 4 years ago our aunt told us we should talk to him because “hes rich” apperently his moms good friend or even lover left her millions when he passed. But my mother and our side have been cut off because she dared to divorce an abusive alcoholic. Her own sister told her she shouldve just put up with it cause he has money
If you aren’t a piece of trash then it hurts really badly knowing your kids don’t have a father. If you are a piece of trash then it is fine because you don’t think about it at all.
My story is probably a little different. So, I started dating a girl. She had a 3 and 4 year old. We dated for ten years. I loved her kids and they loved me. We were really bonded and even when things weren’t great with their mom, my relationship with them was solid.
I had a ton of firsts with them. Teaching them to ride bikes, first concert, first pets (fish), first loss when the fish died, so many other things.
Flash forward to me and their mom breaking up. I had no legal ground to see them. She cut off all communication.
I haven’t known how they are, or what they’re doing for over a year. It completely stinks.
I was in Chino Hills California in the US. It was 2002-2003. I met a girl at blockbuster video. She worked there and we hit it off. Couple days later we are killing a bottle of tequila in the back of my friends car on the way to a party. We decided to have sex in the back of the car so we did.
I saw her again 6 months later as I lived in San Diego and was only visiting the first time. She was pregnant. I asked her if that was my baby. She said no, that it was her boyfriends. I’m a white fit, and she is black. Soni said is your boyfriend white and she said yes so I left.
I’m not 100 percent sure that’s my child, but I think it was and I have always wanted to know.
I’m a daughter of a deadbeat. My mom tried to keep my dad involved. He didn’t want to be. He even changed his name to avoid child support.
I don’t think you’re going to get an honest answer from men on here who left their children.
Fucking sucks. Every day, I wonder what life has been for her. As a man, it will always appear to be your fault to the uninformed. Some women run off and turn children against their fathers.
It’s a constant ache in your heart. Regardless of time you see things, smell things, hear things and she’s right fuckin there beside you.
All you want is to hear her voice. Something extremely painful forgetting someone’s voice.
I dont even try to convince people anymore. Im just honest if they ask. They left over a decade ago.
She’s a star, though. I know she has a career helping people every day.
Wondering if I could possibly be a grandfather biologically speaking cause me some distress.
I fight with many emotions when I sit with it for a while.
Im a damn good husband and father every day.
The ache doesn’t leave, tho.
I have a daughter who turned 22 this year but because of how fucked the court system is, I’ve only got to meet her a few times since she turned 18. I thought things were good but I understand she’s got 18 years of probably being told I’m a worthless sack of crap so while the relationship seemed good, she barely talks to me and I haven’t heard from her in about 6 months.
I didn’t do anything wrong. I‘ve never been arrested, I’m not a cheater, addict, or abuser. I have no record at all including both juvenile and adult. The court just wouldn’t give me custody at age 19 and her mom left so her grandparents adopted her which severed my parental rights. The court felt it was in my daughter’s best interests so they proceeded with the adoption and that’s that.
Not me, but a woman I was dating had an ex that never saw his seven year old daughter. At first I had a pretty low opinion about him, but over the course of my relationship with the woman, I came to understand more. She couldn’t say one positive thing about him, and the few times her daughter mentioned him, she raged then gave her daughter the silent treatment for the rest of the day. The father made some efforts to see his daughter – on Easter he brought a present over for her, she tore up the card to her mother’s approving laughter. The mom spent over $100k fighting him for custody and eventually he stopped coming to court.
It was a big reason that I stopped seeing the mother. She had been abandoned by her father, he was never in her life and I think she has a low opinion of fathers in general. She was angry at me for taking her daughter (with my kids) to see that Pixar movie Onward, because she hated that the kids in the movie missed their dad. I think he should have kept fighting, but I think he just got worn down.
my situation is kinda weird because while there’s no definitive proof the child is mine, me being the father of it makes the most sense.
when I was about 17, I had a threesome with these 2 girls and ended up finishing in one of them. being young and dumb, I did this because I wanted to sleep with the other girl more. so I figured finish quick with who’s now the mother of the child, and move on to the girl I actually wanted to bang it out with.
a few months later, senior year started and the girl I finished in was pregnant and had a boyfriend. she went around saying that he had gotten her pregnant and now they are dating. 2 years or so later, the assumed father of the child contacted me and told me he had taken a DNA test. low and behold, he was not the father. he then showed me pictures of the child and we compared them to photos of me as a baby/toddler. spitting image. almost like twins.
so when he asked her who could have been the father, it was a toss up between me and a black man. well, the kid is very clearly white lol. not only that, but doesn’t resemble him at all. so when I confronted her about it all, she instantly blocked me on everything.
I could go through the whole motions of trying to figure out if the child is really mine, but they’re already 7 or 8 now and have their mother and her partner raising them. so I just think it’s best to not come in and confuse them. I know one day they may become curious and wanna reach out, and honestly I’m really excited for it. I’ve also put away a lot of money in case they wanna go to college, need a car, or whatever.
Well, I’m not a man but my ex-husband had an “outside child” during our marriage. Finding out is what lead to our divorce. He was willing to choose our marriage over this child, thinking I would stay but I was thoroughly outdone at that point.
I never had anything against the mom, or the child because they were brought into a really toxic situation at the time. My children by my ex are older so they met the child ONCE when he was a newborn.
All these 7 years later, my children still ask about him here and there and my ex makes up some story as if he doesn’t exist anymore or excuses. I have secretly maintained a talking relationship with the child’s mother all this time because my children never forgot that one interaction with their little brother and it pains me that their father probably won’t ever acknowledge his existence based on his own selfishness and abandoning the child.
The child is 7 now & has no idea of his father or his siblings & according to his mother, he has started asking questions here and there. I hope that one day when they are ready, a relationship can be established even if this isn’t done by their father. I will always leave the door open for this.
I miss her every day. It’s like a part of my soul was ripped off. My ex turned her against me. My daughter then lied to me about something huge and screwed me over. I had to tell her to leave my house. She came back a few months later offering a crying apology. I accepted and said she was always welcome. I haven’t seen or heard from her in 5 years.
Sorry I don’t have a real answer cause I’m a childless woman but my fiancé’s cousin is 25 and has been avoiding his son’s existence from before he was born. It’s a really awkward thing in the family because nobody talks about it like a weird taboo topic, but everyone knows, everyone knows it’s fucked up, but they all avoid ever mentioning it. I think he just blocks the thought out of his mind to make himself feel better. He is a chronically immature idiot so it’s not even that surprising that that’s his situation
I was in a 6 year relationship in my early twenties my partner found out she was pregnant at 7 months. We moved in together. At some point she shared she was unhappy. I moved out. She moved to a different part of the country. At some point she decided to cut all communication with me and my family and for 6 years I didn’t see my son. Her family wasn’t open to bridging a connection and shared it was her wish and they wanted to respect her decisions. It hurt in abundance and knowing I have a kid that I have know way of contacting crashed me. The worse is that the kid knows he has a dad that he can’t contact. Another six years pass, they return back to my city. My son, now a teen reaches out via FaceTime, I drop everything, take him for dinner, spend a few days with him, 6 days after we reunite she gives me an ultimatum to keep him full time or go back to zero communication. I take him full time. My wife, 10 months into the marriage isn’t thrilled but is accepting helps me plan for school and other needs. She’s now pregnant herself. But we’re a family and finding our way. Then after 8 months of being a full time parent to my son, school, medical appointments, socializing with his new friends family, his mother decides she wants him back. Shows up to my house with the police they take his belongings, she said she made a mistake. I file with family court and now dealing with a custody battle. Chaos. 🙁
So, I’m one of the kids from this type of situation (am now in my 40s) and I wanted to add my two cents in case it helps anyone.
My biological father didn’t know I was alive until I was 9 years old. My mom decided by herself that he was too young and immature (he was 19) to raise a kid, so when she found out she was pregnant, she ghosted my dad and didn’t tell him until I was 9 years old and started pushing her for answers.
DNA tests weren’t widely available to the public at that time, so there was no proof and he was hesitant to be in my life without solid proof (understandable). We had DNA tests done when I was a young adult and we started our relationship at that time, only for him to pass away suddenly at 46 (I was 26), just a few years after we started to really get to know each other.
I whole-heartedly feel like both my dad and I were cheated out of our relationship and I have very little respect for my mother’s decision.
If you’re a woman reading this and you’re not sure if you want to hide a pregnancy you plan to keep from the father, please don’t do it unless you know without a shadow of a doubt that he’s a horrible person or that he is 10,000% not interested in being a dad.
My dad actually really wanted a child and was an amazing father to his other children.
I found my 44 year old brother’s biological father and called him tonight. His daughter answered, took the information, and said she’d verify everything with her father. She was understandably shocked. It’s 100% him but who knows how he’ll react.
It’s a little sickening to know that he knew about my brother and was okay with not ever meeting him. My mother sent him two letters including a newborn picture. He never responded or reached out. My brother’s been looking for him for nearly 20 years. I really hope he wants to meet now. My brother is so happy and hopeful.
I know lots of men in this situation. Every single one I know wants contact with his child(ren) but baby mamma has done something to make it impossible. What burns me about this most, is that main stream media still bashes “deadbeat dads”. I’m sure that’s a thing, but we never talk about the special kind of evil it takes for a woman to cut her children off from their father.