I (37m) moved to a new state with a serious girlfriend last year. It didn’t last here. She went back to our hometown early January. I enjoyed being single for a couple months and got back on the apps in April.
Since then I have had at least 10 first dates. Most of them were pretty ‘muh’. Like didn’t click, that’s how it goes, nbd.
Five of them went wonderfully. In varying degrees. Two of them came back to mine and spent the night. The latest (and the catalyst for me making this post) lasted 11 hours! Started with a hike in the morning, brunch, drinks, dinner, ending with a great make out session in the car. There was absolutely great chemistry.
In fact, I felt, all five of these dates had great chemistry. Good conversation, touching, holding hands, common interests, sharing personal information, talks of hanging out in the future. All of them ending with a “let’s do this again” from the girl. However, all five of them eventually gave me the brush off. I’ll text them to meet up and it’s always “I’m busy but I’ll let you know”. I reach out a couple more times then it inevitably turns into them ghosting me. WTF!!!?!
Do they want to be chased? Am I not trying hard enough? Do I need to show more interest? Do they just think they’re being nice and letting me down easy? If they didn’t have a good time on the date, why lead me on? Do they get caught up in the moment then realize the next day that actually I’m a total d-bag? If it is me, why do they seem to be so interested on the date?
Grasping at straws here, any input is helpful.
6 comments
How long after the first date do you reach out to ask for a second?
Do you have a glaring flaw that you’re well aware of? Such as being fat or jobless or having some kind of disability or condition?
I feel you, it can be very frustrating when those seemingly perfect dates end up just disappearing without any signs. There are many things out of your control and truth is you may never really know the answer as to why they ghosted. Maybe they found someone else is a common thing that happens.
There’s a lot of luck involved but the most important thing is that you’re able to consistently get dates regularly to maximize your chances
I’ve been there, I had close to 18 dates and maybe 4 of them went really good and the same thing happened. In my honest opinion I think those girls loved the chase and the attention I gave them, since I also planned the dates, paid for everything. It’s a numbers games and o top of that you are dealing with highly emotional beings.
There’s a pattern there since this has happened 5x now. My guess is that the chemistry that you thought was there——-was there for you===but not so much for these women. Also, it sounds like it’s quite possible that these women just wanted to be wined and dined and a free meal. If there’s a strong chemistry there on the first date, I’m going to want to see him again. If not, then I am not going to go out on another date with him. I suggest rather than taking someone out to dinner, you suggest meeting for a cup of coffee. That way you can sit there and talk and get acquainted for an hour or two and not get into anything hot and heavy. That’s enough time for a woman to know if she wants to see you a second time and also a good way to weed out women who are just looking to dine and date. I would try that and see if this is a game changer for you. Good luck and keep the faith.
as a 22F i get the same thing from guys… i’m starting to think it’s just dating now. things can go great, they express they would like to do it again and would love to talk more, and then they completely disappear right after that. i’m still trying to figure out the cause of it all, but it seems like a pretty common thing now. really quite upsetting though
Just my intuition but it sounds like maybe you’re being too clingy. I would never spend 11 hrs with a new girl on the first date. When I sleep with a new girl I never stay the night or stay at theirs. After I sleep with them I send a “had a good time text” and then go silent and wait for them to reach out again. Then again I’m very avoidant and don’t text a lot in between meetups and setup casual types of relationship frames in the beginning . Whenever I sleep with somebody i wait a week or two before I setup another date and text mostly for logistics. I’d say back off and give her space to chase and invest more. The odds are she will if she had a good time.