My (30F) husband (36M) and I frequently fight about having kids, I want them he is wishy washy about the subject. He wanted me to watch a YouTube video to help persuade me to agree to wait for trying for kids at 35 but I want to try at 32 because it already will take some time to get pregnant plus I may have fertility issues. I refused to watch the video about women having children later in life, he threatened to not have kids with me because “how can he have kids with someone who refuses to see his side.” So I then told him I wanted a divorce. He repeated he wanted to die several times. I amended things in that moment out of fear.
The next day there was obviously some tension between us and he started in saying I’m controlling for stonewalling him into agreeing to have kids when I’m 32 or I’m leaving and that his mom agrees with him. I feel bad but I completely lost my mind and told him “you are both dumb as fuck I’ve always wanted kids and that’s a normal thing to want and it’s completely rational to end a relationship if we don’t see eye to eye on kids.” Then I started throwing my stuff into my suitcase and screaming “find someone who doesn’t want kids cause you clearly don’t. And the only reason I stayed is because you kept saying you wanted to die and you want to tell me IM controlling?” So then he explains to me that the thought of losing me is devastating because “I take care of everything: budgeting, Finacial planning, cooking, emotional support, entertainment and the only thing keeping him from wasting away on video games.” So basically he does want to die if leave which is unhealthy.. He offered going to individual therapy which I am skeptical.. but I’m finding it difficult to cut ties after 6 years with him. His dad was also very controlling in the same way and he believes he was influenced by him and that he does the same things to me his dad did to him and he hated it. He wants to try couples counseling again but I would rather him get individual therapy. Would it be naive to think therapy can help him and I have more of a partnership rather than him trying to dominate me?
TLDR: is it naive to think my husband can break the cycle of being emotionally abusive in therapy so that we can have a successful partnership that involves children?
11 comments
Therapy will help him with any number of issues if he finds a good therapist that he matches well with, and if he works as hard as it as he can. But therapy won’t change his mind about kids.
He definitely needs therapy but you don’t need to stick around for that. He’s responsible for his own life and actions.
What if you wait until he has therapy and you’re 35 and he still doesn’t want kids? You might’ve missed your Window of opportunity to have kids because of your fertility problems. And you’ll probably break up anyway. Best to try and find a new partner (or other ways to have a kid) while you still have the age and fertility for it.
I’m not sure I understand your question. You think his emotional abuse is the reason he doesn’t want kids? To me it seems like two different issues. I’m sure it’s possible to work on his issues in therapy, but that’s not going to make him want kids.
I’m not saying your husband is a bad guy but do you really want to have kids with someone who you describe as emotionally abusive. It seems like you have enough responsibility in your relationship dynamic healthy or not. Therapy can change your husband as far as the controlling patterns if he really works at it but if he doesn’t want kids your wasting your time. You need to find out what he really wants and go from there. Differences over kids is a perfectly valid reason to break up
Should your husband actually agree to enter therapy, how likely is it it will take him 5 years to agree to have children?
When I see posts like these, this is a constant reinforcement of the importance of premarital counseling. With all due respect, this issue should have been resolved before you got married.
OP, leave this man. Start over. He is wasting your time.
It sounds like that he does acknoledge that he would likely be harash/violent to kids when they misbehave due to his history and has decided not to have kids for this (and possible other) reasons. If that is the only reason for not wanting to have kids, it is not impossible he may feel better after a time. It is however more likely he will just play time to have you for a few extra years.
You have 2 choices:
1) break up and start looking for a compatible partner. If your bf makes self harm threats after that call 911 and call his parents/friends.
2) accept that you likely are not going to have kids and stop nagging about it. He does to therapy and you will see what happens.
Note: His fears may be real or imagined. He does not know how he would behave in the situation. It may also be that he uses them as excuse and really does not want kids, so the therapy will not help.
I think it is healthy that people, who have issues that prevent them to be good parents do understand and choose not to be parent.
He may also know or suspect being infertile, but does not want to disclose this. He may hope that at the point this is actually “found out” you will not leave, because you would not have time for new realitionship and getting pregrant.
You need to look out for yourself and your overall lifelong contentment here. Would a life without kids ever work for you? If not, this is a deal breaker that needs resolving.
The most important question he must answer is does he actually want children? You need a straight answer: yes (in the future), no or I don’t know. If it’s no or I don’t know, do you want to remain with him? If it’s yes, but not yet – what is a reasonable timeframe to him? Does that timeframe work for you? There’s no guarantee he will stick to what’s agreed, so tread with caution if you decide to wait it out. At 30, you have plenty of time to meet someone else who *is* keen and have a family with them.
In my experience, couples counselling is more about therapy for the relationship. You bring all the issues between you out into the open, each person has a fair hearing and then you both decide what to do with the result: stay together (perhaps with individual counselling) and keep trying or split.
Individual counselling is more of a chance to gain some self-awareness and try to work on yourself as a person. It sounds like he needs this. Both may be helpful here, but counselling is a tool – it’s up to the person/people whether they use it to make fundamental changes.
If you do go down the counselling route, I’d put some parameters to it. Let’s try X sessions and reassess. It might be easy for him to kick the can down the road indefinitely, which won’t work for you.
Jesus, no wonder you insisted that other poster’s boyfriend wasn’t stringing her along – you’re letting your husband do the same thing. You keep letting him emotionally abuse you and you think he’s somehow going to change?
He already knows what he’s doing with his manipulative threats. He knows what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that, and he doesn’t think it’s important enough to change. Because you keep backing down.
He’s not going to change. And if you have kids with him, whether it’s in two years or five, you’re going to be doing everything yourself while he puts in noise cancelling headphones and plays video games.
YWBTA if you bring kids into this terrible relationship
It is excredingly naive of you to think this man will change enough, even with therapy, that he will be a good partner, much less a good parent.
You say in your comments that you don’t mind doing everything but the thing is, you *will* mind.
You will also mind as your kid grows up believing this dynamic is healthy and admirable and something they should struve towards or accept in their future relationships.
Your husband needs therapy, on his own, away from you for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
You also need therapy, away from him in order to realise just how badly you need to *leave* this man.
You have deluded yourself into thinking this man will become the partner you need and want. He will not.
He is not your person. You want him to be. You are in love with a falsely fabricated ideal of him that lives in your mind and he will never live up to those expectations.
What you see is what you get. Do not stay for potential, do not stay because of hope.
I need you to understand that he would have to *want* to change for himself in order for therapy to have even the slightest chance of helping him and as things stand he has no desire or intention to do that.
He may try it to get you to stay but that alone isn’t enough.
It is time for you to wake up.
He literally told you the only reason he doesn’t want you to leave is because you enable his lazy lifestyle. He didn’t say it’s because he loves you and can’t see his future without you. I’m not understanding why you are confused about this?
Leave. Tell him to get therapy and call you if he needs anything cleared up in his sessions.
There is clearly no reason to stay other than guilt and that is never a reason to stay in a relationship, especially when you are wanting children ASAP.
Stop wasting your time and go find someone who is in the same life stage you are and ACTUALLY wants to be your partner instead of your child.
He’ll figure it out or he won’t. It’s not your job to coddle him for his convenience and ruin your life by staying.
The problem here isn’t that you do everything. That your choice. The problem is that your husband doesn’t want to do anything at all. Children isn’t the only responsibility in life he seems to avoid.
If that’s a pattern for him he could improve that in therapy but it would most likely take years even if he were highly motivated which he doesn’t seem to be.
Also, you don’t want to have a child with someone who threatens suicide.