Christmases in our blended family are going to be stressful. I am now figuring this out.
My wife, “Sarah”, is from the opposite coast from me. She moved here on purpose to escape the little parochial area she grew up in. Her mom and dad split up in 2021 after 35 years of marriage. We have been married for four years.
My family all lives within a 45 minute plane ride or 2 hour car ride from each other on this coast. My sister and I both live in extremely “destination” style cities. In addition, Sarah’s brother “Mike” lives in the same city as us.
To make a long story short, my MIL is “setting a boundary” (I really do not like this use of the word boundary, I think it’s manipulative) that Christmas will be at HER house this year. She is refusing to travel at all and says that she ALWAYS travels for Christmas.
This is has been true for the past two years – we did blended Christmas at my sister’s in 2021, and blended Christmas at our newly-purchased home in 2022.
(if you’d like fun details about Christmas, check my post history!)
I think this is a power play by her mom, and also ignores the fact that Sarah and I travel to see her at least twice a year. She lives far away from airports, so it’s always a heavy lift, but we bear it because she is family.
Logistically, there’s basically two options for me and Sarah: we have two whole Christmases with both sides of the family, or we have one blended Christmas. My sister has a 7yo and a husband whose work deals in shipping/logistics/delivery, so December is an absurdly busy month for them and they functionally cannot travel. I also have a job that needs doing in December, and so does Sarah.
I think we need to set a (counter-?)boundary with her mom. I need advice on how to work through the problem.
tldr: MIL is demanding we visit for Christmas. Logistics make that hard.
33 comments
I think she knows what “boundary” means. She’s making a demand.
Guessing she just misses having everyone together at her house for the holidays, and hosting is different than being a guest somewhere.
I’d try talking it out without hostility and all the “boundary” nonsense. Maybe it’s not possible this year, but maybe you could all plan a family gathering at MIL’s house some other time.
So if she’s traveled twice in a row, I think it’s fair of her to invite everyone to her this round. Even if her wording sucks.
Now you get to decide what you want to do. You might have to be one of those couples that trades off who you see each year.
Just as you don’t like the idea of being at her beck and call, none of the family is obligated to be at yours either. You just need to decide which invitations you’ll accept.
Part of being an adult is rotating where you have Christmas. Everyone misses out on some or all of it, the cost and time of travel are a huge burden, it happens at the end of a quarter so everyone’s busy at work, the kids are ungrateful regardless, and it always leaves a little bit behind. My partner & I have had a hard time balancing it and we are an hour and a half drive away from her family and 30 minutes from mine – although people have moved and it’s more like 6 hours on one side now.
So what your MiL has really said is that she feels left out and exhausted by that shuffle, and would rather be host.
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So give it to her this year – it’s okay if you miss your sister’s Christmas one year so you, your spouse, and your BiL can make the visit to your Mom’s house. But first, lay out the boundary that you’re going to rotate Christmases generally and that it’s never going to be perfect. Instead, you’ll start planning it out in advance and when you go to the other coast that may mean you can’t afford/take the time to make another 2 visits that year.
You have a 3rd option….
Celebrate the holidays as a family group, just you and your wife.
It’s a cold, stressful time of year – perfect to hunker down and let the storms and drama play out – without you.
What is your wife’s reaction? Why don’t you alternate years?
That’s not a boundary and you’re not obligated to go.
You can alternate years, you can go before or after Christmas. You decide
I mean, the wording is weird but it’s completely fair for your MIL to say she’s not travelling anywhere. You sound pretty entitled, acting like she’s wrecking your life by not coming to you for the 3rd year in a row.
Healthy boundaries are about what you would do, not about what other people should do. Interpreted very generously, your MIL is saying she’s simply not going to travel for Christmas. So you guys need to make your own decisions with that in mind. Don’t try to talk her into visiting if she’s not willing to, but also don’t take that to mean that you’re obligated to visit if that doesn’t work for you. Maybe you guys can visit and do Christmas at Thanksgiving or early in the new year?
You’re right to think that her use of the word “boundary” is strange. My boundary is about me, and your boundary is about you. It’s highly “individual” in a sense. You don’t make a boundary for other people by saying “We’re all going to do things my way”. Her boundary CAN be “I will celebrate Christmas at my house” but NOT “Everyone will be here for Christmas”.
You’re also right in thinking that you need a “counter-boundary”. It can be as simple as “we will not be there for Christmas., but you’re free to visit if you want.”. Or, “we’ll visit on the first week of December, but that’s it”
I’m sensing there’s a bit more to this issue though. Does your MIL only show this behavior during Christmas, or does this issue pop up elsewhere? Feel free to dm/chat me so we can examine this more, and overcome the sense of stress and messiness you’ve been describing.
Just tell her you are respecting her boundary of not traveling for Christmas and will not expect her at your sisters where you will all be. Tell her you’ll do a FaceTime on Christmas so let you know what time will be best. Make sure you end with Merry Christmas!
If her mom doesn’t want to travel, then she doesn’t have to travel. That’s fine. Don’t try to talk her out of it. “We’ll miss you, but we’re doing Christmas at X’s place this year. Let X know if your plans change, otherwise we’ll plan to call on Christmas Eve to say hi!” or whatever is a perfectly fine response to that. She can decide from there what she wants to do. Maybe Mike will decide to use Christmas with her, maybe not, none of that is your problem.
Trading off years between families is a really common way to handle this and I’m not sure why it’s not on the table here, but maybe give it some thought.
Time to figure out some rotation. In my family – my brother’s inlaws have dibs on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Another inlaws have picked a lake week in the summer. My inlaws do the 2nd sat in Dec. My dad has Easter breakfast & his bday weekend, & everyone stops by at some point on Christmas (no travel). And this is how it has been since the early 80s.
Oh, this is the passive-aggressive lady who got all worked up when you were honest about not wanting her in the kitchen?
Sounds like she’s trying to weaponize therapy-speak with how she’s using “boundary.” She is not setting a boundary, which is a rule for *herself* to identify and follow. Your MIL is making a demand, which is a rule for *other* people to follow.
Your MIL doesn’t want to travel for Christmas. That’s her right. She is a setting a *boundary* for her own benefit. Perhaps after last Christmas, she does not want to return to [the scene of her crime](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1300uqc/update_aita_for_confirming_my_mils_suspicion_that/).
You and your wife have busy Decembers where travel is neither convenient nor pleasant for you. It’s your right to opt out of traveling too. You do not have to accede to your MIL’s *demand*.
Just as in *War Games*, the only way to win is not to play.
You and your wife could respond to your MIL by saying, “We completely respect your right to set a boundary around whether or not holiday travel works for you. We’re not going to argue. We can’t come out, even with this notice, because our work schedules and work load won’t allow it. But we would love to meet you at [neutral location] for a long weekend in February, and we’ll be able to really relax and enjoy one another.”
Don’t bring your relatives and their holiday constraints into it. Don’t bring the frequency of who travels where into it. Don’t bring what a pain in the ass it is to go to Smallville into it. None of that matters to your MIL, a woman who wants desperately to matter to you.
Just tell your MIL you respect her boundary, you will be sure to send a tower of Christmas cookies and block off time for Zoom calls on Christmas, and you can’t wait to rent a condo and have family togetherness in February.
Celebrate the holiday with just you and your wife. It’s what me and my husband have been doing the last 12 years after one particularly hectic Christmas.
No fighting traffic on the roads, no fighting crowds at the airport, no bickering family – it’s amazing. Just you and your partner lounging around the house watching Christmas movies. I strongly recommend it.
That’s not a boundary. That’s a demand. Call her bluff. Tell her you’re having Christmas at home by yourselves.
I mean, it is a boundary. She’s choosing not to travel for Christmas. That is pretty valid. You don’t have to go to her place for Christmas, but expecting a 71yo woman to travel when you won’t is harsh.
And good lord, don’t set a “counter-boundary” with your MIL. If you truly can’t make it, let her know and schedule a different time to celebrate together, like New Year or any other winter holiday in your country.
Again, she’s 71. I get that you’re busy, but she’s elderly and statistically you have around 4-9 more Christmases with her, some of which will likely be in a nursing home.
A boundary is not something for the other person to *do*. A boundary is merely a warning about what your reaction will be to what another person does. That is, a boundary isn’t “*you have to do the laundry*”, a boundary is “*if you continue to refuse to do the laundry, I don’t think we can live together.*”
So fun that your MIL learned a new internet word that she doesn’t understand. Did she clarify what she will do if you guys don’t show up for Christmas?
How you react obviously depends on how much family conflict your wife can tolerate. Giving in is an option. Refusing is an option. Telling MIL “You’re welcome to come here for Christmas, we’d love to see you. If that can’t or won’t happen, we’re available to travel on Jan 5 and we would love to have a big dinner and do presents then.”
That’s not a boundary, she’s just deciding where she’s spending Christmas and trying to tell everyone else what they’re doing too.
She has traveled for the past two years and travel is likely getting more difficult for her as she ages. It isn’t unreasonable for her to want to host Christmas. The rest of you may or may not agree, and trying to call it a boundary is absurd, but as a request or suggestion, it’d be very reasonable.
But, she isn’t the only one to get a vote. She can’t demand that everyone does what she wants. If the rest of you do Christmas somewhere else and she doesn’t travel to join you, you’ll miss out on spending the holiday together and you’ll either fight about it or move on. So, you’ll figure out where works best for most of the people, who you’re willing to not see if they can’t or won’t get there, and make a plan. It sounds like someone is getting left out no matter what you end up doing.
Nobody has to go anywhere for Christmas and nobody has to host Christmas for other people.
She doesn’t have to go to your house for Christmas and you don’t have to go to hers either. Just do what you want.
It’s as simple as what it is.
Your unable to travel this year during the holidays due to work.
A proper expression of a “boundary” would be “I’m not traveling for Christmas this year, y’all are very welcome to visit though”. If it comes out more like “I’m not traveling for Christmas this year and it’s going to be an awkward grudge issue if you don’t come to me”… That’s not a boundary, that’s a manipulative ultimatum.
reading your old post, its 100% a powerplay, she’s making a reference to you and your wife saying she needs to respect your boundaries in your home. i suspect that even giving her a polite answer of “well i dont think we will be able to make it this year” will be met with her losing her shit and saying some other whiny manipulative garbage
She’s a senior citizen, likely on limited income, traveled to you the past 2 Christmases on what was likely a long plane trip for her age, and even lives far from the airports so it’s just harder for her to trek to by herself. Plus she only sees her her daughter and grandchildren twice a year.
On the other hand, you’re much younger, have it easier to travel, can see your side of the family much more often since they live a 2 hour car ride away.
I’d say logistically it makes it much harder for your mother-in-law to travel than it does you. That said, she doesn’t want to travel. You can’t force her to. On the other hand, she can’t make you travel either. However, I don’t see why you can’t alternate where you spend Christmas. The last 2 years were with your family where she had to travel far. I think it’s Your MIL’s turn to host.
She can choose what she is going to do for Christmas and so can you. You are not obligated to go. If you can’t travel in December due to work or whatever else, don’t do it. Visit at Easter or some other time that works.
She’s not quite using boundary correctly as a term. A boundary I set is something I will choose to do or not do. I cannot set a boundary to control you or your actions.
Her boundary is really saying that she will not travel for Christmas. Her additional demand is expecting ya’ll to come to her because of that.
This is something you and your wife gotta sort out, but obviously it’s going to be some sort of argument if you don’t wanna travel to her at that specific time.
My personal opinion is that if your wife knowingly moved across the country from her parents then I can only assume she knew that meant seeing them less and less, and that she might not come home for the holidays. I moved away from home with that in mind and I don’t go home very often because of BS like what you’re dealing with.
She can only set boundaries for herself she can’t impose them on other people. She can say “hey I need a year off from traveling so I’ll be staying home this Christmas and your family is welcome to come here if you want.” She can’t make a demand of you then call it a boundary.
Ya that’s not a boundary.. “boundary” is now code for so what I want or else…
I think you are looking for a “silver bullet” of words you can say to disarm or convince her you’re right. Absolutely, your logic is sound. Your reasoning is solid and all your numbers add up.
I doubt that’s what it’s about though, so it spent really matter. Some people like being the host. Some people hate traveling. Some people like sleeping in their own bed. The logic so clearly favors one person traveling versus eight that this can only be an emotional decision, and you can’t battle emotion with logic.
If you visit twice a year 3x in one year seems exhausting and expensive? Maybe this year is not doable but next year with early planning that could work.
At this point, create your own Christmas tradition and have family bend to you.
I had to tackle this same issue recently. My husband and I have just put our house in FL on the market and we’re house hunting in VA.
Before we’ve even moved, my MIL started in about Christmas, and wanted me to promise we would always come home to spend it with them.
I kindly told her we aren’t going to commit to traveling to FL every Christmas, but that we will do our best to make the journey for either Christmas OR Thanksgiving, and again in June when we traditionally celebrate a bunch of family members’ birthdays (including mine).
She wasn’t best pleased, but she accepted it. What choice did she have?
“Ok. Well, we’ll miss you. We’ll FaceTime you when we open presents”
1) I think you’re wanting there to be a logical/mathematical solution when Christmas get-togethers rarely have that focus. It is about feelings, traditions, history, and nostalgia.
2) You want the perfect solution, and when a couple is made of two individuals from opposite coasts – let alone 3 hours from one another, that rarely happens. The key is setting and gauging expectations.
3) Let’s face it. You basically just want her to do what you want her to do. Even when she has shown her willingness to travel twice now.
**Still writing… this was accidentally posted before I was finished. I will post edited update in a few moments…**