Original post [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/15dffzf/my_32f_boyfriend_35m_violated_my_trust_with_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)
So as I mentioned, once we were both home from work I told him we need to talk. The conversation went like this:
By this time he thought I had “gotten over it by now” and said he “thought we were moving past this”. I will say, this is a trend with him, never wanting to spend much time listening and working through issues.
I said this is a huge dealbreaker for me in itself, the fact that it is not important to you to resolve issues with your partner and that my feelings around serious issues annoy you, are not considered, or flat out don’t seem to matter. And to speak of dealbreakers; you seem to be very comfortable with disrespecting me- whether it’s speaking to me in a derogatory manner or thinking you have the right to freely do things that cross common sense boundaries in a relationship. I should not be viewed or treated like someone who is beneath you, or expected to adopt a shut-up-and-take-it approach in accepting whatever treatment I get from you.
The conversation took a sharp left, with me being questioned as to why I “look for things to be unhappy about” and “constantly criticize” him. If you refer back to my last two posts, I’d hardly call that a woman who is nagging or criticizing a man out of thin air. I am responding to very serious instances of disrespect. He also accused me of cheating with several people I haven’t spoken to since we’ve been together. Any number I still have in my phone that belongs to a male, means I’m saving it with bad intentions or already cheating with them. Side note, I changed my number after getting with him and very few people have it. He got his best friends involved and they “all agreed” that it was weird that I have such a huge problem with this female coworker- that it seems as if I have a “guilty conscience” because I must be the one who’s cheating, and that’s why I’m trying so hard to make his communication with this coworker seem wrong.
What? Am I living in the freaking twilight zone?
So not only is there no accountability most of the time for anything he’s done, I’m at fault for any problems going on in our relationship for having any kind of emotion, and I’m suspicious for calling him out on things that I’m not comfortable with.
The rest of the conversation was spent with him antagonizing me, repeating over and over that “I’ve been caught” and that he’s a better person for having overlooked this until now because he “actually loves me”.
Barf. Needless to say, I ended the relationship. I’m going to focus on being a mother now.
Thank you to all who took the time to read and comment. I am very grateful to every single one of you. You all gave me much needed comfort and reassurance in a pretty distressing time. Bless you 🤍
TL;DR – I (32f) broke up with my bf (35m) after he violated my trust with a female coworker
Edit: typo
21 comments
I am glad that you saw his reactions and behavior for what they are. Any break up l, even of a troubled relationship is hard, and I wish you healing and prosperity as you move though that.
This is so much textbook gaslighting!! His refusal to accept anything you say and instead blame you and then accuse you of cheating is completely him being a d-bag and trying to guilt you into overlooking anything he said or did.
You’re 100% better off without this person and this relationship. Take all the time to heal, know that you deserve so much better. Take care of yourself!
The sheer amount of his gaslighting efforts nauseates me from a deep pit of my stomach. My father was a gaslighter who made all his mistakes about my incompetence. I am so sorry this all happened but I’m so glad you ended things and wish you so much joy in the future. You are so brave!
This is definitely one of those instances where you realize the guy is completely undateable no matter who the woman is unless she’s willing to tolerate an absolute abusive disrespectful level of bullshit.
He is a fucking IMAX with his projection!
“You’ve been caught”! Hahaha. Does this guy work in a cinema, because he’s really into projecting.
Thank God, you exited this toxic relationship. He’s full or red flags.
Take care of yourself !!
I’ve experienced these tactics and it hurts on so many levels. I wish I would have left much sooner.
It’s gaslighting and darvo and word salad and triangulation and he’s already breaking all op’s existing relationships. This is a very advanced case of emotional abuse, possibly narcissistic abuse
Op’s own brain is now in a flight fight freeze fawn mode and denial will be kicking in as a self protection mechanism. Which could result in op getting back with him. It’s crazy how this works….
If covid hadn’t happened and the world physically been locked down I think I’d still be in a situation just like this one because I was trapped because I kept thinking I needed the right formulation of words or I really thought I was the problem. It’s almost like being mind controlled.
I really hope op is able to leave and withstand the textbook hoovering that will follow. My concern is she already did things like change her number, tolerate the cheating accusations… stayed for all this conversation and accusations. Someone not already somewhat traumatised would not do this but the effects of this kind of abuse are really insidious
Wowza……he really just doubled down didn’t he?!?!
I’m so very sorry you got hurt so deeply and then he tried to make you feel as if somehow this was a you problem and took no accountability for anything……
I’m glad you saw through the nonsense he was spewing and ended things with him…..he outed himself as the garbage human that he is….
Hope you heal well and find true happiness ………big hugs and best wishes!!
Lol what a turd of a person, good riddance to him!
The phrase ‘gaslighting’ is misused a lot these days however it applies here.
So Brava in dumping his sorry manipulative ass.
Suggest you go NC too because he’ll be back.
He was absolutely projecting right there, I’m glad you decided to get out of it, you absolutely deserve someone better than that.
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This was in your previous post:
>He said he knows I see the bill and that I’d see it on there.
And then this:
>he called me “toxic” for looking at the call log. Said I was “spying”.
He’s expecting you to look at the bill, and at the same time berating you for doing so?! Goodness, someone who thinks and speaks like that is not right in their mind.
Your ex-bf is toxic piece of sh**, always ready to twist your words around at the drop of a hat. You will never “win”, much less be able to communicate with him on a sane level.
He’s a narcissist. Go to r/narcissisticabuse and you will read so many stories eerily similar to yours. Brace yourself, because he WILL try to love bomb himself back into your life (called hoovering in narcissistic subreddits). Block, delete, no contact.
Good for you. Taking out the trash like a champ.
Wow good for you. That was all so textbook DARVO it’s unreal. Do these people even hear themselves?!
I’m so happy you left. The relationship was dead and was going to drain you.
Whenever the time is right, you’ll find a guy who isn’t playing games.
1) he mentally abused you by purposefully instigating with a female coworker – BOMBASTIC
2) Trying to move forward without any indication of self-reflection – BOMBASTIC
3) Gaslighting you as if you bringing up his bad behaviour is due to you – BOMBASTIC
4) Talking to HIS friends for only HIS VALIDATION – BOMBASTIC
5) playing games at 34 – BOMBASTIC
You did the right thing, you seem way more mature than him and are actually ready to develop and grow a relationship rather than just BE in one. I obviously don’t know you but I can tell you can do a hell of a lot better.