I randomly stumbled upon this thread as someone who can talk to anyone. I wanted to share some advice that I think might help those struggling with daily conversations involving coworkers, customers, strangers, family, friends, etc. (i.e. people).
1. Ask open ended questions that you actually want to ask. This does two things. First it makes the person think about their response and engage in meaningful conversation, rather than provide you with a one word reply (limit questions that can be answered with yes/no). Secondly, by showing genuine curiosity in your questions; it won’t feel forced or unnatural (maybe a little bit awkward as you practice and dependent on your current ability to socialize).
2. Be engaged. People love to talk about themselves and love to be listened to. As you continue practicing asking open ended questions, show physical and verbal engagement. Physical signs include, but are not limited to eye contact, head nods (in agreement or disagreement). Verbal signs of engagement: respond with short responses (wow, mhm, huh?, no way, interesting, etc.), or an example of how you can relate to XYZ, and continue to ask genuine open ended questions.
3. Question overload. When you ask someone lots of open ended questions, they will eventually ask you questions about yourself, and/or keep talking about themselves (see start of bullet point number 2). I recommend avoiding one word responses for the same reason you are practicing asking open ended questions.
4. Nothing is off limits (to an extent). As you build rapport, you can start asking more personal/deeper questions that can seem off bounds or scary to ask. I usually preface obvious personal questions with “can I ask you a personal question?” And then I just ask I don’t wait for their response. By prefacing, I’m mentally preparing them for the type of question I am going to ask so they aren’t caught off guard. I do the same thing went I ask a “crazy question”; “can I ask you a crazy question?”. Fun fact the question usually isn’t crazy and people usually giggle a little bit afterwards.
5. Just people. I want to remind everyone that these strangers, coworkers, customers, family, friends, etc. are just people. There is nothing inherently special about them. They also have life problems, insecurities, and put on their clothes every morning just like the rest of us. Don’t put people on a pedestal. I have talked to numerous people in positions of high importance, including CEO’s and executives of Fortune 500 companies. And the number one thing I’ve taken away/learned? They’re all just normal people. And here’s a fun fact, when you act normal and treat people of high importance/significance just like anyone else (whether a CEO or a person you have a crush on) they will have way more respect and appreciation towards you.
6. Practice makes perfect. Be patient with yourselves as you practice more and more. Sure there will be times you’ll question why you said something (I still and always will). But remember that you’re not going to master socializing overnight; just like any other skill. Results will come with time and practice, keep your head up and don’t be discouraged when conversations don’t go how you wanted. That’s life.
That’s the meat and potatoes of my advice. If
anyone is able to improve their social skills from anything in this post I’ll be more than happy. Have a great day/week everyone and remember to be genuine!
19 comments
Thank you. Sounds like great advice.
All of these tips are spot on, thanks for sharing them.
I’ve noticed something interesting about a lot of social skills advice. People who are really good at socializing will give a list like the above. All of which has solid material in it and should really be helpful.
###But!
The one aspect that seems to be missing is how does a person who is shy, or socially anxious, or quiet, or nervous, or awkward — how does THAT person implement any of the above?
Because all those things are DIFFICULT for quiet people to successfully pull off. I can tell you that from having been a formerly shy person back in my school days. I would have no one to ask questions OF. No one cared if I was ‘engaged,’ and just ‘being engaged’ seemed like an impossible task if no one welcomed my approach.
This is the biggest disconnect between social skills advice and people being able to implement it. The books, the articles, the socially skilled people make it sound easy and straightforward. And it is anything but!
Anyway, I’m not being critical of the advice, it is all good stuff. But more is needed for the shy/awkward/anxious to be able to implement it.
So your meat and potatoes are definitely food for thought!
How do you ask open ended questions naturally though. Like the only thing I can think if is coming up with a list of open ended questions so I have them prepared, but then I’m just firing off a list of random questions.
I’m unable to actually follow up on what they say with anything meaningful that connects to what they said. Theres an infinite number of things they could have just said so its impossible to make a decision tree of how to handle each scenario.
As someone who has CPTSD with strong dissociation and low self-esteem, what do you suggest for someone who really doesn’t like talking about themselves?
this is AI
This is a perfect post to remind people who are shy that the flip side is you can easily be obnoxious as fuck if you say too much, especially when nobody asked
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The problem with this kind of advice is that it’s superficial and tries to address the symptoms rather than root causes of the issues underneath.
Not saying what you shared is useless – if you are stuck in a social situation and want to play the superficial game, then by all means use these hacks to fake it.
If you want to address the core of becoming a socially engaged person, then examine your beliefs and mindset. It requires delving deep into your own self to explore who you are and what you want in life. The outcome of this journey will be the world getting to know a wonderful person who brings out the best in them.
It’s not easy but it’s worth it.
>(limit questions that can be answered with yes/no)
Or fine! “How” questions are usually pretty bad too, or rather invite a pretty bad answer.
What really are open ended questions????? Help me in this
I still feel nervous speaking in public, but I forced myself to get better at it by taking a speech class, then doing speech and debate competition.
A lot of people suggest Toastmasters Int’l. I suggest it, too.
Thank you so much 🥹 Will apply
Thank you, great advice. Let me just add:
Good memory is a must. If you’re engaging with someone to this extent, they not only grow to like you, but also expect you to remember.
If You’re engaging in groups you’re seeing often, you must have a good memory. If you come next time, and they want to follow your conversation and you cannot proceed (because you forgot), it’s a big letdown and this person can resent you (for faking the interest).
So try, but if you are in a situation where you will meet these people again or often, engage only in so many conversations as you can follow.
For the people, who have communication fatigue and/or memory problems, type the bullet points in your phone after the convo and revisit before the next meet.
Any others?
I find it very hard to believe someone is a social butterfly when they’re on reddit of all places.
Excellent advice! Especially about the asking open-ended questions. It blows my mind how people don’t ask questions back, show zero interest in the other person or give short replies, and then are so surprised that people eventually stop trying to talk to them.
Part of my issue is that if someone is extremely social and/or has a lot of friends(which are most people I know), then I get intimidated by them and don’t see how I can stand a chance.
Ask open ended questions that you actually want to ask?!?
I dont actually want to ask anything, if I did I wouldn’t have this problem!
I don’t know about these advices. as someone who has social anxiety, even though I ask the “perfect” open ended questions, because I appear awkward its always awkward. I am genuine, but my genuine self is awkward and she makes other people back away.