My girlfriend and I typically have sex once or twice per week. I’m happy with this, but I have a high sex drive, so sometimes she offers blowjobs. I also get her off when she would like. But sometimes I do masturbate on my own.
Last night she did not offer a blowjob and fell asleep. She also cannot have sex right now because she had colposcopy last week. We cuddled for awhile, but I could not sleep because I was horny. I didn’t want to wake her up for a blowjob, so I got up and went to the bathroom to masturbate. When I got back, she asked if everything is okay because I was there for several minutes. I told her I had gone to the bathroom to masturbate so I didn’t wake her up.
When I told her, she was super angry and left the room to go sleep on the couch. Here is some of our conversation the next day…
> Her: “I don’t want to think about what will happen when I am pregnant”
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> Me: “Do you have a problem with occasional masturbation?”
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> Her: “Occasional? It seems like you need it every day”
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> Me: “Huh? I don’t masturbate everyday. You offer blowjobs, and I take them.”
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> Her: “And when I don’t feel good this week, look what happened at night”
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> Me: “It’s controlling of you to demand that your partner never masturbates”
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> Her: “Controlling? It’s disrespectful. I could understand if we didn’t do it, like never or almost never”
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> Me: “I need a release often, and it is not realistic for you to give me a blowjob or have sex every night. It helps me sleep.”
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> Her: “You don’t need me anymore”
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> Her: “It seems that you didn’t get enough blow jobs. Like almost every day, but still not enough”
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> Her: “Now I feel like I have to do it with you or you will do it without me. In all that effort I made to make you feel good, it wasn’t enough.”
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> Her: “As a woman, I don’t feel like I am enough for you.”
So she is upset that I masturbated the one day we didn’t have any sexual activity (no sex and no blowjob).
Am I an asshole for masturbating? Is she being controlling? I need some perspective.
34 comments
You need a new girlfriend.
Of course you are not wrong, but you are also failing to understand the problem.
She has no problem with masturbation but the way it happened felt to her like she is failing you. Her ego was bruised because she though she can’t sexually satisfy you.
This is the reason she is talking about what will happen when she gets pregnant. Pregnancy and childbirth often leads to long periods of dry spells, now she she thinks after colposcopy for a week – she failed you.
What would happen when she may not be able to have sex for months? To her this is terrifying and that is why she doesn’t want to think about it.
The only way to address this, is to make her understand that sometimes you just need your alone time even if she is sexually satisfying you.
At the moment she thinks you masturbate because she is not sexually satisfying you – you would be upset too if you think she is masturbating because you lack stamina in bed.
You need to clarify this to her.
She is being controlling, possibly because she is insecure. She seems to think that if you masturbate, it means that she is not enough to satisfy you. You just have a mismatched libido, and she seems to have the expectation that every sexual moment needs to be shared. That must make her feel exhausted, because she can’t keep up with giving you release every single day. If she misses a day, it feels like failure because you had to masturbate.
She needs to be educated on how a prostate works. Having to empty it regularly has nothing to do with her failing you sexually.
Most women have no idea it is like a bladder that we MUST empty when the time comes.
Complete over reaction by the gf. If anything she should say thanks for taking it into the bathroom so i could sleep…
The negative reaction is really uncalled for.
I’m in the same boat as you bro 😒. It’s fucked!
Sure wish I was getting blowjobs every day.
If my boyfriend woke me up for a blowjob, he won’t be my boyfriend anymore.
That being said, she felt neglected and like she’s not meeting your needs that’s why she’s upset. Her ego was bruised.
Make her aware you’re masturbating to pics of her 😏
I hear ya… I’ve had this problem and the same response of her not feeling like she’s enough, which is not true at all… sometimes she’s asleep or tired and yeah, I don’t want to bother her. I definitely work it in there sometimes but make sure to always keep it private since it’s a private thing…
How old are you two?
She’s acting like a child with this level of insecurity. What it sounds like she’s upset about isn’t that you masturbated but that she wasn’t the one to get you off. Mentioning pregnancy as a period where she can’t have sex with you as often sounds to me like she is worried that if she isn’t satisfying you that you’ll leave but she doesn’t have the same libido you do and currently there is the recovery from her procedure.
Honestly that isn’t even that big a problem (we all get insecure at times, especially when we’re younger), but what IS a problem is her making you out to feel lie you did something wrong for enjoying your own body. She’s pulling the EXACT same mindset of controlling guys who try to shame their girlfriends for using/needing toys because “why can’t I be the one to get you off, am I not good enough” and trying to put you in a position to apologize or coddle her like an immature child when you did nothing wrong.
So short answer, yes she is being controlling and insecure. I understand why she is but that doesn’t make it okay how she handled this. She needs to apologize and learn how to deal with her insecurity in a healthy way. If she’s worth continuing things with then sit her down and explain to her that you masturbating isn’t a reflection on her or your satisfaction with you two’s relationship.
Personally I wouldn’t because it sounds like you already tried to and she still is stewing in her insecurity while making you out to be the disrespectful bad guy. That’s something I don’t have patience for in an adult partner.
Just tell her how often you feel the urge to cum. You don’t mind taking care of it yourself. She doesn’t have to do it. But she doesn’t get to tell you to stop.
If she still argues, don’t keep dating her. It’s going to get much worse
She is in the wrong on this one and clearly does not understand how mens plumbing works. Sometimes you just need a release and if you are horny or have an erection you just can’t sleep. She has either low self esteem or doesn’t understand. And it is your right to do whatever you want with your body. You did nothing wrong.
She will get over it
You are definitely not in the wrong on this and, to be frank, your girlfriend needs to grow up. It is unreasonable to expect you to never masturbate. If you are picking masturbation over her, then that’s different, but it seems obvious that you aren’t not having sex with your girlfriend because you prefer to masturbate.
Sometimes, a bit of solo play is needed. No one knows you like you, especially if you are just after that quick release. Masturbation is how we find out what we like and it’s healthy.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong when you’re in a relationship & masturbate. Mutual masturbation or solo masturbation. It’s all ok & perfectly normal. This type of conversation makes my head hurt. This is a complete overreaction on her behalf. If you feel insecure about being “wanted” by your partner because they masturbate, stopping them or making them feel guilty about masturbating is incredibly immature & borders on manipulation. Tell her to grow up. She’s 33!
Childish, you must be a younger couple. She does it just won’t admit it. We have been married 33 years and together even longer. I am 57 and I’m on anabolic steroids so I’m always horny. A few months ago we were at a nude resort in Mexico we had sex so much my wife said don’t touch me for a week after we got back home. So I had no choice. A couple weeks ago we were talking about this very subject when she just came right out and asked me, I told her, every day except fridays, saturdays and Sunday. She was shocked but said I wanna see send me videos. She does send me crazy videos so now I do send her some. Moral of the story, talk about every aspect of sex and be honest. But you have to talk. Being sexually open can save a marriage!
She needs to work on her self esteem. I think she stresses out and it’s scared to not be the perfect girlfriend 24/7, so when you masturbate she will get anxious and it will hurt her because she doesn’t feel good enough and that she couldn’t please you. I have felt this way before, you just need to reassure her that you love her but it’s okay for the both of you to do it by yourself
Tell her that it’s your body, not hers, and you have the right to a sexual relationship with yourself. She has no right to dictate what you can and cannot do with your own body. This has nothing to do with her.
She’s internalizing your masterbation as feelings of inadequacy anger that’s causing her pain and insecurity.
Gently explain to her pretty much what you already did, and make sure your approaching with empathy as your guide (no defensive posturing). Offer her plenty of reassurance that she is enough, and you are completely satisfied with y’all’s sex life (if that’s true).
Some men and women want to be the “end all, be all” for the partners they love, and they don’t fully understand that masterbation ≠ decreased desire for the partner. It sounds like she also doesn’t understand that masterbation really is just as simple as “a release”. I’m a woman, and sometimes it’s literally the only way I can get to sleep, so I totally get it.
DO NOT get Her pregnant because She will be 10x worse when She’s hormonal. I don’t see why She’s causing such a fuss, it’s not like You cheated on Her. Maybe Her issue is that She thinks You masturbated to someone else and She’s jealous or She’s just controlling and that’s not
Fuck no… she should be relived that you can release, should watch if she wanted to
I literally, as a female, turned myself on thinking of my bf masturbating, before seeing this post this morning. Lol.
You did nothing wrong in my eyes, she’s feeling insecure about it but her insecurity controlling how you get off, unless into that, isn’t a healthy answer.
She is very insecure. She needs tools to learn to deal with her insecurities and not put the burden on others. You can’t expect your partner to not masturbate at all, especially if you two don’t have the same sex drive. And you masturbating has nothing to do with her or your feelings for her.
Your girlfriend is lucky she has a man that will just go take care of it himself instead of waking her up by poking his boner into her butt… sounds like she’s fishing for reassurance you’d prefer her over your hand.
Childish is all I can say. And controlling, big red flags. Better take a hard long look at this longterm relationship.
The whole thing comes under one question only.. I’m sorry but how old is she?
What you do with your body is your business. It has nothing to do with her. Bei g in a relationship doesnt mean you’re not allowed to have privacy.
You didn’t do anything wrong. She is likely coming from a place and shame, which is unfortunately taught to a lot of people. Just stick to your boundaries.
Why is she trying to control your masturbation and solo sex? Super concerning!!
You’re not an asshole. An asshole would’ve made her blow you or have sex when she didn’t want to. I can see how it might make her feel weird but you’re not doing anything wrong.
This is so bizarre! I can’t believe such people (the gf in this case) are in relationships!
OP, she is completely out of line here. A relationship with another person doesn’t mean that you stop having a relationship with yourself! Isn’t masturbating a form of self-care? Isn’t it a healthy habit? Doesn’t it have emotional and physical benefits? It does! What she’s asking is too much and quite honestly bonkers!
Can I ask how old she is? She sounds quite insecure in herself. Nothing wrong with you masturbating. I do it and I knowy husband does it even when we have an active sex life.
Sometimes you just need that quick release and you were doing the decent thing in not waking her up to get a blow job / sex. You have done nothing wrong here.
Sorry but she sounds immature and to then guolt you about it. Maybe she grew up in a repressive household and holds an idea that masturbation is wrong. But she shouldn’t put that on you and she has some things to work through.
wait are you just masturbating or getting off to looking at other women? There’s no problem with masturbating, everybody does it, but some are effected when other people are involved such as porn, instagram, onlyfans, talking to other people etc. maybe that’s why she’s upset because she’s assuming that’s what’s going on and she isn’t enough.