If you had a shaky relationship with your mother, what did or will take to mend it?

11 comments

1. A time machine. Nothing is fixing my relationship with my Mama

2. My mom and I haven’t spoken since February of last year. She told me to not contact her anymore. She will need to reach out and take responsibility

3. Lots and lots of therapy for both of us. It’s still a bit wonky but it’s a lot better than it was when I was younger.

4. It took 3 year no contact before I finally began to forgive her for her mistakes, and appreciate everything she did right. She was physically abusive, an alcoholic, exposed me to inappropriate content way to early, and constantly threw me out as a teen and when I was sexually assaulted I didn’t feel she did enough.

   Years later I realized she always supported me emotionally, she always believed in me and filled me with positive perspectives, she encouraged me in everything, and financially would give me her last dollar if she though I could use it.

   That and her stopping drinking and finally going to therapy to manage her anger was what finally allowed us to mend our relationship

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7. She loves to be a mother in the sense of parenting me. I’m 25. I still live at home yeah, but that’s because I literally cannot afford to live on my own, and I will not rent ever again that’s just wasting money, and not many people my age share my goal of buying land and build a homestead, so I’m likely living this dream solo (which I’m totally for, I’m introverted as heck so I cherish my alone time).

   We have more conversations of her saying “do this, do that.” Then a conversation of “how was your day? Look at this new plant I got today!”

   I believe to have resentment towards her because I’m tired of being told what to do.

   Sure, I forget to switch my laundry, or empty my car, or tidy the bathroom right away, but my-out-of-sight-out-of-mind mentality (thanks ADHD) makes it challenging for me to remember everything, which is why I try to write things down. But I don’t always remember to do that either! (Takes a lot for me to form a new intentional habit) She doesn’t seem to accept my reason behind these things being from my ADHD, she will basically say “just try to remember” or “do it now” which I have started to do things immediately cuz I’ll likely forget it if I don’t do it then, but also she tells me these things when I’m clearly in the middle of doing something already.

   I try to put up boundaries, like telling her to write down list of what she wants me to do instead of telling me over and over again (I am poor with auditory rememberance, I am better with visually seeing to remember) , but I seem to be poor about, you guessed it, remembering to implicate them. And sometimes I get upset at myself for being unable to implement those boundaries, as when I am stressed [especially socially, in conflicts, or where I have to explain myself] I struggle to form logical reasoning or sentences, it’s all jumbled in my head. And only minutes after, so I realize I could’ve said something else instead and it would’ve ended better.

   I also work 6-7days a week (funny enough, I still can’t afford to live on my own despite having 1 full time job & 2 side jobs), and being introverted I really struggle not getting enough alone time. So when I am home I am bombarded with tasks/chores my mom expects me to do. Which is why I’m either secluding myself in my room, wearing headphones when I’m downstairs/around my parents, or outside exploring the woods in pure bliss.

   I know it looks like I’m putting my mom in a bad light, I don’t mean to, she’s the best mom ever, truly. Always happy, upbeat bubbly mood, cooks dinner every night, very loving and generous, positive mood, loves to help out (especially when I’m stressed/crying/upset).

   So it’s really just a me problem.

   Also, I almost feel like I need space from her. When I went away to college for a bit (dropped out), having that independence was exactly what I needed at that time. Space from my parents. When I would come home from college on holidays I’d be so excited to chat with them and reconnect. It’s when we live together, get on each others nerves, and don’t have enough time away from eachother, is when resentment and frustration comes to the surface.

   But I am taking psychedelics today so I can try to understand why I am like this towards her, and hopefully learn what I need to change about myself, because it’s obvious I’m the problem not her. I need more guidance.

8. Had a rocky relationship with my mom. We were both coming from the same place but somehow didn’t get where we were coming from. In hindsight, I think it’s more me where I couldn’t express myself the way she would understand. She passed in 2008 and it’s taken me year to realize the wrongs. While I can’t speak for her, I can only own up to what I could’ve/should’ve done.

   I know that some feel mending things is just the way they are. That there isn’t any other way but move separate ways. If I could go back? I’d tell myself “Don’t get to that point. It’s ok to be the first to make the most. If you feel mending it will make everything better, then reach out. Set aside pride”

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10. The first step would be bringing her back to life.

11. Before the pandemic, my parents will leave really early for work and go home about 4-6 pm to rest and have dinner. They don’t really cook and we don’t eat together. They only give me and my brother money so we can leave the house and come back whenever we’re done with whatever we’re supposed to do. This made me not share anything about my life with them and grow independently.

    However, the pandemic has forced us to communicate with each other civilly. My mom however suddenly became so into our lives and liked to ask about school/work and go over our personal belongings.

    It was exams week so I became very stressed and she started forcing me to talk to her. Asking me if I’m okay with school and would complain why I’m having a hard time. The thing is, I don’t have my own room so she would just barge in the room and “organize” everything she put inside to talk to me. And she is a teacher, but believes that everyone in school should automatically get a pass, but I’m studying in one of the top unis in the country. Also, I’m not used to anyone checking up on me and I hated the way they will only get irritated/mad/try to interfere with my life without knowing much.

    Due to stress, I told her that she doesn’t have to force herself on me and communicate because we’re not close and she doesn’t know me. I told her that if she weren’t my mother I wouldn’t be friends with her. I then proceeded to tell her all the times when I needed help and would ask her for it but she will decline with no reason, which will only make my life harder and sometimes would indanger me.

    She cried, said sorry, and I didn’t really feel any remorse for it. After then, she didn’t really push herself to me again which made it better. Of course change didn’t happen overnight so there were times she would still cross boundaries and I will communicate in the only way I know will get her to listen; to shout and get mad.

    I’m not proud of it, it is generally known to be disrespectful to shout/get mad at your parents in my country. But it is the only way that could set our boundaries, bring me peace, and make our home feel safe.