So to start of with a little context, I have recently started a beauty course,a lot of the girls are younger then me like fresh out of high school and I’m almost 25, I didn’t particularly go into this course thinking of making friends, but to further my education to hopefully lead me into the beauty industry. So let’s just call her Sam, Sam is 17 and started talking to me in class and hanging with me on break, she would just follow me out the font so I could have a cigarette, to the canteen. And I was fine with it. It all started when she asked me for the 1st lift home and that was all good by me because it was on my way home anyway.
But then she asked me to pick her up the next day, feeling flustered and I find it hard to have boundaries sometimes said sure, mind you she has two perfectly capable parents to drive her. She latched on the first day!!! I pick her up and all is fine, but I noticed that she is displaying some odd behaviour.
She always tries to touch me and put her head on my shoulder, and just getting all up in my space. Now I have borderline personality disorder and don’t like being touched by people I don’t really know, I even snapped at her a couple times to stop. She will do the same thing and follow me to the bathroom. I dropped her home that day and told her look I’m not gonna be able to pick you up tomorrow. I have 2 kids and I have 1 full time. I have tried to explain to her that I am a mother and am very busy.
The next day the same stuff happened, talking when I’m trying to learn and having to tell her to be quiet, she always wants to be my partner and I’m lost with what do to, I dropped her off one last time. I was suppose to go to my course today but I’ve stayed home due to other reasons but today she texted me and asked if I could drive to my course and pick her up to take her to buy a vape. I told her on the phone look I really need a day to focus on my mental health, I also added that I have mum shit to do and just want a day alone to focus on my mental health her response was “well do you wannna hang out tomorrow then?” And when I didn’t respond she sent me “?????” I’m going mad and I can feel myself about to say some things I regret.
Pls halp.
29 comments
she really likes you is all i can say.
but it’s your life. you get to choose what to do. think of how you would feel if you were 17 and you met someone you idolized and were happy to be around with.
No one is going to set boundaries for you, and sometimes people get upset when you set them. She is going to be upset, but you have to tell her you have no interest in friendship with a minor and you do not want to hang out with her, and that she needs to stop texting you.
She has ride options, and if she doesn’t that is still not your problem and defer her to work that out with her parents.
Maybe she has a crush on you
I deleted my previous comment because I had some other reflection about the matter. Also, non-native English speaker, lemme know if something doesn’t make sense. I’m also not a master of social skills in any way, I’m still WIP, so take it with grain of salt.
I too, had problem setting boundaries and keeping them, what helped me is realization that there is nothing inherently wrong about doing that, and even worse, if you won’t do that, there will be always someone to exploit it.
While you set your boundaries or defend them, be always polite, if I were you, I would just say that while I appreciate her friendliness and her need to be close to you is flattering, I’m very busy person, I came to this course with one aim of gaining knowledge and I don’t have currently time or need to maintain new friendships.
After setting your boundaries, enforce them, without that part these are just empty words. If she asks you if you can pick her up, simply say “Sorry, I can’t”. Does she touch you? Say that it makes you uncomfortable and you are not a touchy person. Remember that you are a grown adult and that you don’t have to provide reasons why you won’t do something. Simple “No, sorry.” is more effective than 5 minutes rant about what in your life makes it impossible. It also deters negotiators that will pick on every scenario that will make it possible for you to satisfy them:
>”Can you pick me up?”
“Sorry, I can’t, I have to get kids to school and do shopping before work.”
>
>”Well, then I can go out earlier, ride with you, and we can do shopping together before work. 😊”
If someone violates your boundaries, simply confront them. She is touching you even though you said that you don’t want your personal space to be violated, in that scenario I would respond: “We already talked about this, as I said I don’t like to be touched, If you continue to do so, if it continues, I will leave”. If she persist, simply do that, leave her on her own.
That being said, having boundaries shouldn’t mean that you can’t have fun and good laugh during your course, remember to be human towards other humans too. While someone’s life is not your concern, I would still be willing to break my boundaries if someone would be poor or suffer other life circumstances, as long as it doesn’t make my life a lot harder.
A simple “no, I am busy” is all you ever need to give anyone who you don’t know that well, no elaborations on why or how you are busy is necessary.
She might see you as a mother figure? If you don’t like it then you NEED to set boundaries, but try to do it with tact
I was like her. Here’s the language she’ll understand. “I do not want to hang out with you. I do not want to be your friend. You are acting like I am already like… 10 years long friend of yours. I do not want to be your friend.” She will feel hurt but holding this huge stop sign is necessary for both your and her sanity.
She’s young and she needs to learn boundaries. Just tell her you’re focus is on learning in school and you don’t have room for friendship, especially with a minor.
Just rip the bandaid off. When I was in college (over 20 years ago) I worked a part-time job. I started asking a classmate who worked the same place for a ride home. She gave me a ride a few times. Then one day I heard her talking to a different coworker; I heard him say, “Well just talk to her and tell her how you feel.” On the ride home, she basically told me that she didn’t wish to give me rides home anymore, that she was not a “free ride”. I was a little taken aback and miffed at the time…but I got over it. 😂It was almost a learning experience thinking back. No one owes you anything, even if it’s something that *you* consider “not a big deal”. In my mind, it wasn’t a big deal, we were going to the same place. But she didn’t feel that way, and ultimately she has a right to her own feelings. People have the right to speak up and set their own boundaries. And it’s better to speak up and be direct vs stewing over it and trying to “be nice” and “not hurt their feelings”.
My advice is that you just nip the whole thing in the bud. Tell her, “Hey, I’m not going to be able to give you rides anymore. I have too much on my plate, I’m a mother, I have other responsibilities, etc.”
If you tell her not to bother you during class and she continues to do so, I would let the teacher know so it doesnt count against you. They may also be able to halt the behavior in class at least.
Yeah It’s annoying. These type people generally don’t respect boundaries. They don’t care about the respectful treatment they receive from you. It always starts with asking you for a favor. Don’t react. Be distant from her. I regret not acting like that before with some friends. I was passive. Act busy infront of her. I just deactivated social media to avoid clingy people. I’m relieved to be honest. Clingy people have a great mind to not screw their own life but don’t actually have/care of what is going on in another person life. That’s why they cling. The clingy people I met who wasted my time, have great lives now. They achieved goals and moved on. They know how to plan, and to complete their tasks and to do lists. I wish I didn’t spend time with them. But that’s the lesson I am learning. Is to not feel guilty when ignoring a clingy person who is not sensitive to what is shown from my side and life situations. I am glad now that I am learning. Don’t spend time with people you don’t want to spend time with. Don’t put yourself in situations where the clinginess happens. You could help once twice or maybe a couple more times, but you have to be sensitive to your own life as well. Now when someone ignores me I don’t feel bad because I know I need to have this kind of skills to ignore others but it is so difficult for me that I just deactivated social media. I can’t ignore people and it’s not natural for me to not be receptive in presence of others. Show her some kindness but set firm boundaries.
Firstly, the lift thing. I offer a lift to a colleague often on the way home, he otherwise has a bus that takes an hour to catch, however I put my foot down day 1 and said sorry I was not willing to try and offer a lift in the morning. I do not want or need that extra stress of having to think about someone else and whether I am making them late etc etc.
A lift home, when you start in the same place and the destination is not too far out of the way is different and can be offered on an ad-hoc basis not a dependent basis.
Setting that boundary would be important for you I think.
I think setting simple boundaries like that could pave the way for a better friendship going forward. You really arent that far apart in age, you might feel ancient compared to her but its not that big a deal. When I was 18/19 i had a bunch of mates in their late 20’s early 30’s. now these people are intheir late 30’s early 40’s and they are still some of my best friends.
This individual is clearly clingy and annoying to you, but setting boundaries and talking to her about it could make things better for you. It sounds to me like she looks up to you and admires you, don’t ruin that, maybe she needs a friend or support.
Is she the youngest one in that class? She could be latching to you because you’re friendly, and she’s intimidated. Setting boundaries is a must, but it sounds like you also genuinely want to be helpful without scaring her off entirely. Do you think it might be possible to help her establish friendships with other classmates? Maybe get a group together after class and wingman for her a bit.
This sounds like me.
I’ve only had close relationships (with family members) and by comparison spent very little time working on socializing/developing relationships with strangers/acquaintances/friends that I only know how to behave the same way I do with people close to me. At a time I thought this was fine because I was straight up open about stuff so people didn’t have to ease their way in, but I learned it doesn’t go both ways until I was told…
So bottom line, set up boundaries, and bonus points if you ask about their behaviour (to understand, not to accuse), and share your perspective of how it comes off to you (again not in an accusatory way). It may open their eyes like it did for me.
Weak boundaries.
Yeah just be honest and tell her that you arent comfortable being friends with someone so young. She will probably not like it, but she will understand when she is 25. Lol I thought I was so adult at 17 and reality hit me like a brick.
Be a grown up and set some fucking boundaries lmao
Reading this made me realize why I don’t make friends anymore. I have problems setting boundaries and just resort to completely cutting people off or ghosting them. I had similar experiences with some people who just wanted to always hang out and did not understand that I had other responsibilities. I will say that experience helped me because I have one friend who is a mother and has a busy job. I leave it up to her to pick when we can meet because I do appreciate her friendship but don’t want to smother her.
Okay, for real you need to grow a backbone.
“Sarah, I can’t continue to give you rides. Please don’t ask again.”
When she does ask again, “I’m sorry, no. I have other commitments.”
When she talks in class, “Sarah, I’m here to learn, not to talk. Please stop distracting me during class.”
If she talks again, silently get up and change seats. Or, wait until she selects a seat and sit elsewhere.
The magic words I have learnt
“I appreciate that you think I’m someone worth spending so much time with, but we’re not wanting the same thing out of this (friendship/relationship/etc) and I really need some space that you’re not allowing me to have. If you can’t give me that space then I will need to remove myself from this situation, thanks for understanding.”
And from that point on if they bring anything up just say “we’ve already talked about this, please respect my space” and don’t respond beyond that
It sounds like she thinks she’s closer to you than you guys actually are. That or she’s desperate to find friends. You’ll have to make it clear, ideally in a gentle way, that you’re not trying to be too friendly with her.
You will have to learn to say no and to mean it and until you do, you will be her little Buddy helping her out all the time. No. Practice. You owe her nothing and taking a 17 year old to buy a vape is probably illegal. She’ll find another person she can become a parasite with.
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I just want to thank each and everyone of you who replied, I didn’t expect this much advice and I’m blown away. I appreciate it so much because I’ve never had a healthy example growing up or was taught how to have boundaries properly. This is so healing. And I’m going to use this advise not just with my current situation. But for the future as well. 🤍
I think you have already set clear boundaries, she is just choosing to push them. The other side of the coin is that if you ever set up your own beauty business, she may come in very handy to employ, and also bring in younger customers who have $$ to spend. However never tell this in advance. Maybe just say you think it’s important for her to spend time with people her own age. She clearly has a girl crush on you. And maybe her home life isn’t as great as it seems, then refer her to her Dr to guide her to some professional counselling. Then keep your eyes on your digital device and don’t look up at her. You can also just tell her that if she refuses to listen to your boundaries that she’s forcing you to be blunt, this warns her that words are going to become hurtful or embarrassing.
Thanks for posting this as I find myself in a similar situation! I will be using the advice as well 🤗
I was a mature student and got a car during the last 3 months of college. I only gave a lift once during that time. It was an emergency situation. The lecturer KNEW I was taking her. SHE text her mum to say I was bringing her and we were all DBS checked (H & S care). Even now I don’t have minors in my car unless there is text message proof from parents that I have permission. You have to safeguard yourself because this teenager sounds unhinged. “No, I can not give you a lift.” Is enough.
Send a text. I am unavailable to hang out at any time. I do not wish to associate with you. Please delete my number . And then block her so she can no longer contact you.
Thirdly tell your tutor at your class what is going on. Get permission to use a disabled bathroom & go from there
definitely NTA but to speak from my experience, my mom all but forced me to ‘latch on’ and find rides from anyone but her. that doesnt make it your problem though, especially if she isnt paying you weekly for your gas/time to make it worth it
She could be on the spectrum 🤷♀️