Tl;dr: told her she’s out of my league (she is), also told her I never had someone and considered the ship has sailed (she didn’t like that either), we both didn’t like the conversation much.
Heya lads and lasses.
I met this pretty chill gal at a heavy metal concert (bringing love and tinnitus to your door since forever). We kept contact as we didn’t live too far away, went to another concert together, sometimes went out for a coffee or museum. We didn’t see one another all to often, I didn’t think too much about it.
She did. While drinking coffee (well, she did, I took a hot chocolate, never liked coffee), she asked me out on a real date. I dodged and told her she’s way out my league, which she is by all accounts.
Needless to say, she was pissed. I thought it would just be like a rejection, but she really hated me saying this. She was angry not so much at me, but at how she got that answer many times over, how she wondered if it was really that or if it was just a convenient thing to say to avoid the real reason, and so on, and so on.
She seemed actually quite hurt, so I listened and didn’t make any jokes so she could just get it off her chest. Then she asked again if that’s really what I thought.
Now, I do think she’s out of my league, but behing that there’s another reason on top of it. I never had a partner. Never was any good at this stuff, despite the whole self-improvement shtick and traveling and so and so on, I was never much more than the odd one out who could make some people laugh but who was ignored.
Why she didn’t ignore me like everyone else is beyond me, but after 30 I was done with hoping and working towards love. That wasn’t in my cards, so I gave up. I lived my life and life would be lived alone, and that was it. I’m 33, I’m not about to start dating now for the first time when I’m lagging years behind. I’m not starting with the whole trying, find out about how you handle relationships and what you want in them, stumble around with sex and words, while people around me are sending their kids to school. That ship has sailed.
It’s like I wasn’t worth a thing in love before, and now, years later, I may be finally worth something long after people are done with the exploring stuff and settling down. Feels like a long-winded pity fuck of sorts.
I told her that, more or less. She didn’t like it either. “Why not just give it a try? For the experience?” Then I asked the questions. I asked if she spent a decade without anyone showing romantic affection towards them. She didn’t, I asked if she could guess what an effect this could have on someone, she guessed pretty bad. She was right, at this point we’re in two different universes, she’s looking for something I can’t give. You don’t spend so long alone without walling yourself off from the idea of live, that’s what I had to do to be happier again. But that doesn’t work with other people.
She still didn’t fully understand, I don’t blame her, it’s a strange situation that’s hard to get without going through it.
I asked her if I should have just said I wasn’t interested and leave it at that, she said she didn’t know.
And that was it, it was a weird afternoon all around and I felt a bit, so I’m venting, thanks for reading.
44 comments
I can understand your second reasoning for not wanting to date, not ever being in an intimate relationship can be hard to get into.
Though I can understand why she would be upset at “you’re out of my league” comment. When you make that comment, you’re telling her that you assume she wants someone more attractive or something else, even though she’s telling you she finds you attractive and interesting. You’re basically telling her that due to her looks, she must want a, b, and c. Even though she made no mention of a, b, and c. You’re judging her looks in a different kind of way, she looks like x so she MUST want Y. Just stating you’re not in a place to date would have been fine tbh.
That’s so sad.
Wow you struck yourself out; whatever image she had in her head of you is now ruined thanks to your comments. She probably thought you were a confident man until you said all that, now she’s going to question if you have the ability to lead in a relationship or even be emotionally stable in one. Next time stop with the self deprecating statements and jokes, women will begin to believe what you’re saying is the truth.
Sounds like you made this story up
I understand your point of view totally! I was the same, but I kept hoping for love. I could never understand why no one ever wanted me. Oh’ll I would be friendzoned. Heard this line so often it almost drove me to jump off a bridge. “Wait till you meet my new boyfriend. He is so much like you.” It wasn’t until those girls were used up by their bad decisions that they started showing romantic interests in me. By then I was so jaded I didn’t care any longer.
At 40 I got with a woman half my age. She was the first woman that made me actually feel like some one truly wanted me. Six years after dating, we got married….boy was that a mistake. As soon as the ring was on her finger and she felt safe, she started plotting her infidelity, and her bipolar, narcissistic personality became clear. Now I’m 52, divorced, and hating life again. I am so thankful that I did not have children with her, but I’m still heartbroken over the fact that I feel my last child making years was waisted on such a deceitful woman. I always wanted to be a father, have a family, but at 52… I don’t see it happing now.
I get your reasoning. I also get why she would be annoyed at the “out of my league” comment. Mainly because the decision is kinda being made for them. So when she asks a guy out and he says she is out of his league, she is thinking “but I asked you out, so clearly I think you are.” Its like telling them what they think I guess.
The thing with you not willing to try, albeit honest it was like this was a chance to experience something new. It was a chance to break the streak of no intimacy. I think going into such a deep explanation was unnecessary. I think just saying you aren’t in the headspace to take on a relationship or date would have been fine.
Also the whole out of league thing kind of makes certain assumptions about her character, which you haven’t even really experienced yet. But if anything, I worry that being alone for so long has you subconsciously blocking yourself from a meaningful friendship that could develop into something. Don’t let your past determine your future. Learn from it sure, but don’t let it deprive you from the human experience.
Good luck fam, I definitely have been where you are and I said very similar things to women who wanted to date me when i was in a bad way. You seem like a cool person (gotta be if you are a metal head), so I hope someone can come and help you feel the things you have not felt in a long time. We all need someone who gets us. I hope she finds you.
You’re scared and that is OK! You have a (lovely) gal who is into you. Let it happen. Trust, as a man who’s been saddled with raising a kid on his own, leaving no time for relationships in the past 6-7 yrs, loneliness isn’t awesome.
damn, bro..this sounds like the soundtrack to my life..i hope it all works out and you can at least go back to being friends
As someone who has often struggled with women (albeit, I was married) & laments many things with the dating world, & one who is in fact, in his 40s, not that fussed about finding love again, *I* didn’t like your second answer either!
You came off as defeatist, dismissive & petty.
This awesome woman expresses real interest & all you can do is pout & sulk, & take out past failures on her?
Long-winded pity fuck? Shit, get over yourself. You’re *only* 33. If you’re talking about proper adult relationships & not childish hook-ups, & dating melodrama, you’re “lagging” by about 7 years, max. Even then, it’s not like you can’t learn a lot of relationship lessons through everyday life!
You may have just turned away the best thing that might ever have happened to you.
I hurt to read that because you have such an exciting future of loves and loves lost.
You’re so young. I think your outlook is screaming for therapy intervention, like a Psych MD who could also prescribe something if chronic depression is a problem.
I hope you start to call around for help, you deserve it
You are a man, don’t feel sorry for yourself, you get one life. Do the best you can with it. What if it doesn’t work out, it’s an experience, you have done something at least. Are you doing something better with your life? How do you know you won’t be happier than you are right now?
Self sabotage at its finest. U don’t even want to try becsuse it hurts too much. I agree love hurts like hell. But the only way you lose at life is to not play the game OP.
It’s your choice and she reacted badly. But sometimes I just don’t get ppl on this sub. Why do you follow this sub anyway if you have completely given up and don’t want to date?? I understand you are jaded and distrustful. It’s up to u if you want to spend the rest of ur life like that or not
You’re a coward
But you’re allowed to be
You may be aromantic. I can feel platonic and family love. But I don’t feel romantic love. I don’t get crushes, butterflies, and I do not believe in till death do us part. If you turn into a shit person I am out.
I’m probably going to get shot down for this but the fact you’ve come here to tell this story makes me think you recognise you’ve reasoned yourself into a position on love and intimacy that is deleterious to your ability to grow and change and cultivate a satisfying life – by your own reckoning – and you don’t know how to reason yourself out of it
Bro call her back and try.
Reading your post brings up painful memories, I was the exact same as you are. Contrary to you though, when a seemingly perfect woman took an interest in me, I went along with the flow.
I’m older than you are and I too feel many ships have sailed (founding a family, having kids, etc…) but I’m still, maybe naively, hopeful.
It looks like you’ve put too much reasoning into your current situation, you’ve over rationalized it and you’ve convinced yourself you’re too old to find someone. I’ve been there. The truth is, you are not too old!
My parents split up when I was 7, they both had other partners after that and they both had kids over 10 years later, when they were about 40. They got married, then divorced and they both found love again in their fifties. From the looks of it, they are both in very healthy relationships that will last until the end.
All of this is to say you can have kids in your late 30s and even early 40s (and actually, even later), you can find love in your 50s and even later in life.
Heed the warning of an almost 40 years old romantic and sexual virgin, don’t rob yourself of the happiness love can bring you because you’ve convinced yourself you’re somehow beyond your expiry date. You’re not and love can show up at anytime.
And so, about that lovely lady who took an interest in me. Well, it didn’t go anywhere because I was needy and clingy (which was to be expected given my circumstances) but it helped me realize many things about myself. It was the kick in the butt I needed to awake from my torpor and to start getting better, both physically and mentally.
Man what a shame. You are afraid and thats pretty normal but it is a leap of faith. Sometimes we think way too much when its not that deep bro.
If that ship has sailed for you at the ripe age of 33, why are you on a dating sub telling your story? You’re either on the fence or want validation of your seemingly lonely life. You just sound scared to me.
Man, people are brutal in these comments. Please man. Do two things – call her right now and apologize. Then if you’re able, start seeing a professional about this ASAP! You can do it, maybe it hasn’t worked out yet, but a better world, a better life is possible. Please seek it. I believe in you Dawg.
Well that’s depressing
dont get persuaded by the internet that you are way behind, i see posts daily from late bloomers who never had relationships till long after they thought was expectable, give it a shot and let your heart thaw, being alone for a long time is like a spiritual winter and now let spring come, you would regret it if you didnt take a shot.
There are people who escape horrific abuse as adults, having lost their childhoods, and go on to leave normal lives. People who lose the capability to use their body after accidents or sickness, and have to learn everything again. So why couldn’t you start dating as a young adult? You’re not 80, you’re 33. I won’t pretend to be in the same position as you, but I have no serious relationship experience and I’m almost 29. It does mean I have to be more careful, and possibly disclose that at some point, but that’s about it. Romantic relationships aren’t rocket science, and there are people with loads of experience who are completely rubbish at communication and all around awful partners. Experience doesn’t mean anything.
Can definitely relate to your sentiment lol
>You don’t spend so long alone without walling yourself off from the idea of live, that’s what I had to do to be happier again.
1. Are you happier or just more numb? And 2. This is a great example of a cognitive distortion called “emotional reasoning.” Essentially, assuming that because you feel a certain way it must be objectively true. But it’s not, clearly this person was interested in you, and life isn’t a race or game where you have to hit certain checkpoints at certain times.
Get therapy PLEASE
Relationships are about learning. You gotta learn at some point and as long as your honest and upfront like you were with her you’ll be fine. If it didn’t work out that’s ok, you have lessons learned for your next relationship.
The people who never learn and refuse ti admit they mistakes are the ones you try ti avoid dating.
Pity fucking yourself instead
Out of your league? Are you kidding me ? She goes to concerts and museums with you and puts herself right there for you expressing her feelings for you so no she is not out of your league. Your young you need to get out there and get some experience call her up and give her a chance if you are lucky she might consider it. You have nothing to loose here at all. How can you learn about anything without experience? Here is your chance to learn. The older you get the harder it is and life goes by fast.
Bruh…
Buy the ticket. Take the ride.
Bro was given a pound of diamonds and traded it for a pound of pennies
No offense, but I never want to be like this. I look at this story as a cautionary tale. I want a partner, but I’ve experienced years of heartbreak and losses, wasting my time, money, and energy, but…losing is a part of life to me anyway. So I just have to keep taking my lumps until I find someone. Maybe I never will but it’s what I want and I’m not gunna give up.
Everyone has the right to live their own life, but my humble opinion is you let your pity party get the best of you.
A beautiful woman wanted to take you on a date and you refused because you’re scared ? I’d hate to live life like that.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. A nice girl asked you out and you self sabotaged. Ask yourself why.
That girl liked you dummy. Get into therapy now .
You’ve never had a relationship for a decade and when you finally get a chance, you blow it… sounds like a dumb decision to make if you actually care about finding someone. But if not, then you shouldn’t feel too bad. Gotta know what you want and own your decisions. If I was in that situation, I would definitely give it a try because I wouldn’t want to be single for the rest of my life. But I am not you so I cant speak for you. Hope you feel better 🙂
It’s not that serious, relationships aren’t some mythical thing to be put on a pedestal. Quit being a weenie and get with the girl, you have someone that’s willing to try with you
There’s no rulebook for relationships and how they work. It’s individual to the relationship and the people within it. With open and honest communication, time and patience there’s no reason why you couldn’t have a happy and fulfilling relationship with this woman or anyone else. You and your partner define your own relationship, it’s boundaries and it’s dynamic.
It sucks that it’s taken this long for someone to show romantic interest in you, dismissing the idea outright because you’re now 33 and butt hurt about that seems downright idiotic. It’s not her fault she met you when you were 33 and jaded. If she’d of met you at 28 would you have dated her then?
Essentially she asked would you like to go on a date
And you’ve said no, I’ve never been on a date and I’m not going to start now. You’ve immediately dismissed her outright instead of being open to the idea and using it as a platform to express yourself, your feelings towards her, towards dating and the anxieties you have about dating and relationships. Using those as reasons not to date doesn’t count. You have to be open to having your outlook changed.
You get opportunities in life usually you have to work for them or make some effort but sometimes if you’re really lucky, they’re handed to you on a silver platter. I think you should try OP – be brave.
Well, looks like you struck out twice with the truth and out-of-my-league lines! 😅
You sound hella insecure
I’m 24f but I totally understand you. Ive never been in a relationship or anything. Never even kissed a guy, but I’ve optimized my whole life to being single. Everything works perfectly and I really enjoy it. I like the freedom and I enjoy doing anything I want to do. Adding another person would just ruin it all to be honest. I really can’t see how it would even be worth it. Even if I liked him
Jezus, all these reactions…the whole of reddit and the internet is full of people shouting RED FLAG RED FLAG the moment a person mentions they never had a relationship, kiss or sex after their 20’s, not even mentioning 30’s or god forbid 40’s. They are called man/woman children who they need to teach everything, clingy freaks or closet perverts/incels. And in this thread? No, he is a coward because he has doubts regarding his inexperience and has low self esteem. 90 percent of experienced adults in this thread see it as a dealbreaker because they won’t want to be his ‘teacher’ but just try it dude, screw your dignity…