Sometimes you’re the problem as to why you don’t have friends to hang out with. (Gain benefit by reading this entire post, making notes, mulling over it, then working on yourself. Please avoid scrolling by, or simply bookmarking for future use. No, read this NOW if you can).

Ask yourself these questions. Answer all of them. Think about them for a good minute. If you don’t read to the end of this post, you might not get any benefit.

1. Are you a sensitive person?
2. Do you have a mild-insult humor type?
3. Are you ‘boring’ in the sense that you don’t have any social energy and all your conversations are just plain and bland, with no excitement?
4. Are you able to laugh socially?
5. Are you an enthusiastic person?
6. Are you able to keep a conversation going for a while?
7. Are you a ‘lighthearted’ person? And don’t take yourself seriously? Or are you a very serious person?
8. Do you have a weak personality or are a people pleaser?
9. Do you have your own opinions? Or do you just follow everyone else? (*Related to previous question.*)
10. Do you accept everyone’s requests because you are afraid to reject them? (This can cause problems when you are unable to fulfill what you have promised to do.)
11. Do you have a disagreeable personality, in the sense that you go against the opinions of everyone?
12. When someone tells a story, are you able to react to it? Or do you just like give a minor reaction?
13. Are you a crybaby? (People generally don’t like criers/ weak people)
14. Do you have proper social etiquette? In the sense that, are you able to act your age or are you just a ‘child’?
15. Do you ask too many questions?
16. Do you ask questions that are not up to your age level?
17. Do you go to places intending to have fun? Or is your intention trying to be funny?
18. Are you a chore for people to hang out around? In the sense that, are you depressed around people or just a deadbeat/ a spoilsport? Do people have to comfort you or reinstate your self confidence or can you do that for yourself?
19. Do you sometimes think you cry easily?
20. Do you get sad easily? Do you feel you overthink what other people do?

The first thing you should know before starting to work on yourself is, that you’re competent. You’re 100% able to change yourself, and you’re not any lesser than anybody else. You have to believe that in your core. Cultivate improvement while feeling happy & optimistic about yourself and your future goals. Have a positive outlook on yourself and on what you’re trying to do. And take it slow – changes don’t show overnight. Expect some time at least in order to improve.

Also – you don’t have to check all the points listed. Checking most of them, or the most important ones, is enough.Most people are not socially perfect yet they have friends.

Another point – being aware of yourself can really help. Ask other people about you – they probably judge you better than you judge yourself. Go over your actions and think if you did anything wrong. But at the same time don’t underestimate yourself.

When people tell stories/talk to each other they want the other person to react. For example if someone is telling a ‘funny’ story of what the college professor said when a student asked him a particularly deep question, you MUST-MUST-MUST be able to laugh if they think it’s funny (and don’t intend to laugh! just intend to have fun and it’ll flow out.), react appropriately, say things like “OMG!! Did he really say that? I would DIE of embarrassment!”.

To be funny and to be able to laugh, you must not intend those things, you must intend to have fun and be lighthearted. Therefore, laughter will flow out easier, and you might even be able to crack a joke or two. If not able to crack jokes no matter what you try, try hanging out around people who have an excellent sense of humor. You must also have the intention to be lighthearted. You can wake up everyday and renew your intentions – today I’m going to try to be a lighthearted person. Or – today I’m going to be more open to people. You have to really *feel* it. You have to *want* to be lighthearted.

Usually some people are more likely to make friends than others. Some things that can help you to make friends is having these qualities: being open, positive, optimistic, cheerful, willing to share your thoughts and opinions, etc.

If your humor is a mild-insult type, you must reserve this only for closer friends that you know will accept what you say, and even laugh at themselves. To be honest I wouldn’t advise for this either, what is preferred internationally is a joke that doesn’t demean other people. But unfortunately most people joke like that. This does not mean that you have to be like them.

Also, it’s important to be a less private person, meaning that you must be more open to touching others (if they are of the same gender, and if they are open to touch as well) for example, touching your friend’s elbow when you’re laughing, hugging your friend if they complimented you, laying your head on your friend’s elbow. Keep in mind you can only do this once you have a closer friendship. Also, try not to have closed arm gestures. Open your hands. Show your palms.

Are you a people-pleaser? Based on my experience, the more you ‘cling’ on to people, the more annoying it is. The correct thing to do is not seem too ‘clingy’. You must be okay with not hanging out around them for a little bit, or not hanging out with them 100% of the time. Besides, with closer friendships you will of course spend more time together, but this takes time – months and months (as far as I know, at least 2-3 months of almost daily interaction and bonding. It doesn’t count if you’re not interacting with the other person, and, say, just working alongside each other. Take to mind that by almost daily I mean 3-4 times a week. Of course, this is only possible during school). You also have to be a stronger and more confident person. Look like you’re confident – like you know what you’re doing. Look for validation within yourself – don’t take it from other people. If I asked you right now, “what is your worth?” your answer shouldn’t be, “well, I have a PhD,” or, “I do chores in the house and help people.” You shouldn’t rely on external factors – only take your validation from within yourself, detaching all the other things that come with it. You should also be okay with saying the word no. If you can’t do a favor for somebody, say it in a kind and polite manner. No need to be aggressive.

Do you have your own opinions? Or do you just follow everyone else? If you’re a people pleaser, you can seem like you’re trying too hard. This can drive people away from you, so avoid this. You can express your own opinion, but ONLY do so if other people ask you for your opinion OR if the matter concerns you (for example, what food you will bring to the picnic that your friends arranged.)

Do you have a weak personality? In general, confident and assertive people are more likeable than weak people and people-pleasers. Try to stand up for your rights, and lead others when it is suitable to do so. However, don’t force yourself on others. You can’t always control what other people do. Accept that they might sometimes say no.

Don’t expose yourself to embarrassing situations. Try not to be part of a disagreement, or if someone is being annoying, just ignore them and don’t confront them. Because you’re strong. But don’t let them be too much annoying – you need to let them know what is the limit.

Are you a crybaby? Crybabies are generally unattractive and unlikeable. AND they are a chore to be around. Nobody likes a crybaby.

Are you too quiet? In the sense that you don’t interact with others much, don’t speak much? Or you’re just too bland and quiet and boring? Then try to do what I call the podcast exercise / the twitch exercise (this has two variations)

a. the podcast ex. : talk for a full hour, without stopping for long periods of time. try to add energy to your voice, raise your volume a bit, and vary your tone when speaking. you can try to vary your pace as well.

b. twitch exercise: pretend you’re streaming, talk like you’re talking to a big group of people. try to add energy to your voice, raise your volume a bit, and vary your tone when speaking. Try to sound a bit excited.

In order to be enthusiastic: focus on three things: energy, volume, tone. Talk with your hands, mirror your acquaintance’s body language. focus on how they speak: then try to speak with their style. how fast do they speak? mirror that. what kind of volume does their voice have? try to reach that volume. what pitch are they speaking on? mirror their pitch. Do they talk with their hands? Mirror that as well.

in order to make it easier for people to like you, ask them to help you with something. simple requests like “can you pass me that eraser” or “can you proofread this email for me” or a very simple request.

Also, something else – asking questions. Don’t ask TOO many questions. And don’t ask questions that are younger than your age level. OR older than your age level. Nobody likes a person that acts younger, OR older, than their age.

In order to gain the full benefit of this post, write down everything that you think is wrong with you. Then think – is that reasonable? Try to piece it piece by piece, why it might be wrong, is it making people not like you, is it making you boring, is it making you not fun to be around, or if it’s making you a chore to be around. Then take 1 aspect of your faults. Write down exactly what you think is wrong with your personality. Then make a plan to improve – make a couple of goals (at least 5) related to improving that aspect. Then you can either film yourself doing that thing, and then watch the tape afterwards to improve on what you missed, or you can go outside to people and apply what you’re trying to do, or just do a combination of both. (*Pro tip: Ask trusted people about you. Your faults. They are likely to be better judges than you.)*

Cognitive behavioral therapy is also an option if you’re an increasingly sensitive person / have anger issues. Nobody wants to hang around someone that’s a chore to be around (ie. a sensitive person). Nobody wants to listen to someone’s angry outburst, especially if they feel it was without reason. So if the above didn’t work, you can try cognitive behavioral therapy.

You can also read the book *The Science of Likability.* It is only a guide and no more, but it should at least a provide a little bit of help making friends. The book summarizes 16 studies and puts them into context and lets you figure out how you can use that in order to help people like you more. However, you cannot rely on this book. One needs other things to be successful in their relationships, not only science.