Basically, I didn’t have any friends for the last two years. In april of this year I met up with an old “bestfriend”. I ended our friendship two years ago because I felt overwhelmed by this relationship (knowing he was the only person who cared about me). I told him things like “oh we’re not compatible, and I know we will drift apart (because High school ended and we live far away from eachother) so might as well save us the time”. I wanted to be alone because I felt a lot of shame because of mistakes I did in high school.
But I recontacted him this april because I missed him. Now I don’t know if I missed him as a person, or if I just missed all the love he gave me, having someone care about me.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t know him and like he is too nice to me? And that also bothers me.
I can’t explain why I’m feeling this way about him. Everytime he texts me my heart drops to my stomach, in a bad way.
I don’t even know if I want to be friends with him, but then I don’t really see a reason I wouldn’t want to be?
I don’t know. It feels like I’m not allowing myself to think some things and say them out loud, and it stresses me out. The more time I spend time being friends with him, the more I ask myself why am I even friends with him. I rarely think of him or text him first, since texting him stresses me out, and I just… don’t know.
I must say, I’ve gotten used to being alone and not having someone to talk to, and sometimes I feel like he is too much, like he is not supposed to be in my life.
I was less stressed when he wasn’t in my life. I mean, I was always sad and anxious, incredibly alone, and for one day it was good to have him but then it just became another load of stress. I often feel like relationships in general are too much work, so I tend to self-sabotage and sabotage those relationships.
Maybe that’s what has been going on in my head. Maybe my head is screaming at me to leave him because I’m always scared I’ll end up being hurt, but the fact that he is a good friend and that he never hurt me intentionally is holding me back.
But then again, I want to stop feeling all this anxiety at once!! In september I will start a really difficult program and I don’t want this to be in the way.
I’m tired. Please help me sort this situation out. What are your opinions on the matter?