My (39f) partner (46m) told me we can’t have kids because I’m always tired and I can’t even manage to take care of myself, I don’t know how to go from here?

40 comments

1. He just don’t want to make kids that’s all . And he used an excuse an you always being tired as a tool to not make kids .

2. You got married to someone who doesn’t want kids, but you do? Why are you wanting to bring children into this world when the father wouldn’t want them?

3. This should have been established and made dealbreaker before marriage. Its easy to prevent. Yes, people change their minds, but usu don’t. If he is resentful or passive aggressive about this, I’d think twice about him being a father. If he is complacent or expects 100% tit for tat, I’d reconsider if he’s capable of even raising kids. If he really wants kids, there is adoption too. It all depends your priorities

4. Read through your comments and I’m a little confused (and maybe you are too and that’s ok!) but are you sad because he implied you are getting old or sad because he doesn’t want to have kids? Because I think you need to figure out which part bothers you the most.

   I also think it’s in your best interest to figure out if he’s saying he doesn’t want kids at all, or just doesn’t want to have kids with YOU.

   I know these are incredibly hard conversations to have but you NEED to have them.

5. “I think it’s unfair we agreed to not have kids because of our financial position and now you’re weaponizing it as a tool against me,

   If you want to have kids, let’s make a plan to have kids”

6. It’s not a judgement on you, really. He’s trying to be pragmatic and not lead you on.

   Seek a counselor.

7. You don’t become hig risk with age but that starts at 30-35 and people still have kids at a later age. But it doesn’t change that he doesn’t want kids. You either want him or want the kids….may not ever have both. And honestly….he seems like an AH.

8. Sleep in separate rooms and get a white noise machine so you can sleep. I love. my husband but cant sleep in the same room as him

9. Perhaps he’s trying to be nice and not say the real reason?

10. If you are not having a good night sleep, why aren’t you getting your own bedroom and separate bedrooms? Or asking him to get a sleep study to check if he needs one of those machines?

    I don’t really understand how you can go on like this for years.

    Also, you need to resolve the kid situation for yourself. How long are you going to wait to have kids? Do you want to have kids with someone who is this rude and gives you mean comments about being old?

    Does he even help around the house? You listed what you do; is he doing anything?

11. If he wanted kids with you he wouldn’t make excuses.

12. I think maybe he has given you a reality check. You are 40? It’s now or never.

13. I think he’s right, it’s too late.

14. Sleep in another room for awhile and see how much better you feel. Then start digesting the things he says with a clearer head.

15. If you can’t talk about difficult subjects you probably shouldn’t be reproducing with them. Also if they say they don’t want kids don’t try to change their mind. There are medical tests you can take to determine if you still can have children. If that’s truly something you want it’s Tito find someone who also wants that. Otherwise do it on your own. As far as being tired all the time … I think they might be on to something.

16. OP I don’t say this lightly and I very rarely recommend this but: if you want kids and he does not, this relationship isn’t working for you. And if he allegedly does want kids but is now saying shit like this, maybe he doesn’t see himself having kids with you. Which sucks and is very mean but you have got to look out for yourself.

17. It may have been delivered in an unkind way, but do you think that the root of what he was saying has merit?

    You’re working hard. You are tired.

    Are you grieving because of the situation or because you blame him?

18. You’re 39, and if you haven’t wanted or prepared to have kids by now, you should make the final decision. What do you want in the future, and don’t think about what he wants. If he wants children and you don’t it’s a dealbreaker.

19. This but also the rate of possible mutation for sperm also increases with a man’s age. I’m not God by any means though, and there’s adoption . I also agree maybe he doesn’t want newborn child stress at this stage of life.

20. You got some growing to do then.

21. I’m near your age (F37), with two kids 11&2. Both are brilliant and perfectly healthy.

    While I don’t like the way he said what he said, I suggest you look at the factual side in a realistic and critical manner. Some people really need that reality check, and it sounds like your partner felt that you needed one. You admit you’re already feeling tired under the current circumstances. It’s nothing, absolutely nothing, compared to the decade+ of exhaustion you’ll sign yourself up for by having a kid.

    Do you have the energy to pull through and still ENJOY life?

    This is one of those really tough-to-swallow pills that are not often talked about openly, but I meet so many moms of our age who simply do not enjoy anything. Everyone loves their kids, of course, but the personal price is really, really heavy on them.

    Our second child was an IUD surprise that I didn’t really want due to my own energy levels having dropped with somewhat of a freak medical condition I acquired in my early 30s. We had the baby anyway, and well – we’re surviving. Barely. Financially, physically and emotionally we’re both drained, and I’m constantly dying of guilt for not having more energy for everything, but especially the kids. I probably blew my chances of ever building the kind of career I wanted. The little time I have, I come to Reddit to doomscroll. I just don’t have the energy to do anything else.

    On the other hand, my sister had baby #3 at 42, and enjoys it quite a bit – still admits to being desperately exhausted always. For her, the fatigue is clearly worth it. It didn’t blow up her career aspirations, and that child fits with her hobbies and overall lifestyle.

    For me, from a certain point of view, I lost everything. All my plans, dreams and aspirations. A new baby fit nowhere in my life, so my life as I knew it was over. I need to reinvent everything.

    So, when looking at your partner’s comment, consider what he sees you do, your dreams, lifestyle, and how a child would realistically fit in that equation. Doing that soul searching is a good way forward.

22. If your not getting any sleep because of your cat and your husbands snoring then I’m sorry to tell you but you’re going to get even less sleep with a baby waking up every hour.

23. You can’t have kids because you’re too old

24. “What 51YO man wants to be chasing around a five year old?” – this is what I heard at a family gathering some years ago when he was 46. I never had children with my ex after realizing what my future might look like seeing as he was an adult toddler and surely wouldn’t have shared in the parenting. I was on the fence then, and I’m childfree now.

25. So you’re about to turn 40 and you aren’t financially stable, but you’re upset because your partner doesn’t want to have kids?

    He’s right. Having kids would be super irresponsible if you’re already this old and not financially stable. I’m sorry he said some hurtful things to you. Do they have any merit? Sounds like you both could benefit from some counseling. And it’s time do to something about your sleeping problems, as that takes a very large toll on your physical and emotional health.

26. Please schedule a sleep study for your husband today! Until the snoring issue is resolved, he needs to sleep in the guest room. You might still need ear plugs or a white noise machine.

    Be a responsible pet owner & keep your cats inside.

27. If you’re still planning to have kids later on, freeze some eggs NOW.

28. Why are you only having this conversation now at age 39??

    You admit yourself that you are tired all the time and not in a financially stable place. It seems like you’re mostly just wanting to have a child because you’re aware of your biological clock ticking town. But are you having kids with someone who even wants to have kids, and are you prepared? Because the answer to both kind of sounds like a big “No” right now.

29. Kids are HARD and if you’re not getting sleep now you will get even less then. They are also expensive. Really think hard on if you really think you can take on caring for a child. Your husband may sound cold but it sounds like he’s being realistic to your current situation. He will also be in his mid 60’s by the time they are an adult. A time when he may want to be retiring. Look I get wanting a child but take a step back and look at it from his viewpoint and if it REALLY is feasible

30. I’m just wondering, if you’re financially independent from him, then why do you say you’re not financially stable for kids? From the sounds of it, he was being a (too) brutally honest partner. You’re ***both*** at an age where kids ***will*** exhaust you (I had mine at 21 and 23 and they still exhaust me!), and can be dangerous for you.he sounds like he’s trying to be realistic and instead of being upset with him, I think you’re more upset by the fact that you wanted kids by this point personally, but it hasn’t happened. Now that you’re both (almost) over 40 there needs to be a serious talk about realistic wants and needs, and what those look like. You also knew he was 7 years older than you and should have been having these conversations well before now making a plan. I don’t mean any shade, but I feel like you don’t like the honest realistic feedback about the feasibility of kids, and it’s not either one of your “faults”.

31. Oh my god, stop mopping about and live your life. If you want kids go find someone who is willing to give you them. 40 is not the end, spending a whole year dreading your situation but not doing anything is sad.

    He clearly sounds like he has next to 0 aspirations, he’s putting you down by calling you old, he doesn’t support you financially (you are independent from him), he won’t give you kids, he’s causing you grief, why stay? Just saying…

32. It’s a difficult topic, but I absolutely understand your husband. Your sleep is not going to improve with a child, quite to the contrary. Except then you also won’t be able to take naps or sleep in anymore.

    Children are also super expensive, if you’re already struggling as a couple, that’s going to get exponentially worse with a child.

    My spouse and I have conversations like that from time to time, I’m 40, they’re 33. I keep saying that I just can’t do the no sleep thing and still function.

    I know it hurts, but I think your husband is just a little more reasonable about this, while you’re coming at it from the emotional side.

    Truth is, really really wanting kids sometimes isn’t enough. And it sucks.

33. I have a sleep disorder (still waiting to find out what) and being tired 247 is why I didn’t have any.

34. If you dump him 40 can be when your life begins.

35. Some harsh truth- at your and your partners age, chances are that it will be hard to conceive naturally, even if you want kids. So, either break up (he is a bad partner anyway) and find someone close to your age & younger to increase your chances. Fertility for both men and women starts decreasing in their 30’s.

36. Sounds as though he’s projecting. He is too tired all the time to look after kids. Also, from the sounds of things, you seem to do most of the housework/life admin. I would seriously worry that he would be expecting you to do all of the parenting.

37. I’m going to play devil’s advocate here- but it sounds like neither of you are prepared for children. You can “want” kids and be “sad” about the idea of not having them but the fact that you’re just now having this discussion is the first red flag. The second is the fact you are not financially prepared at all. And the third is your relationship is at best, suffering already.

    I don’t believe you have to have perfect circumstances to have children but you don’t even have one or two of the main comforts which at the very least should be a happy home life, financial stability OR to be passionate enough about having kids that you can lock down a better line of communication with your partner.

38. I don’t understand what the question is here.

    1). He sounds like a jerk.

    2). He doesn’t want kids.

    3). You are super late to be thinking about kids. If you wanted kids you needed some sort of a plan years ago.

39. Re the objective “should we have kids or not” – he doesn’t want to, youve said you are not financially in a position to support children, you’re always tired. Just these last two, that relate only to you, are reason enough not have children. If you still want to bring children into a world where you can’t support them financially and are too tired to care for them, then you need to find a different partner that can compensate for those issues and who wants children.

    Re “you can’t take care of yourself” – he’s right in a way. If you can’t sleep because of his snoring and the cats for a YEAR, what have you done to create a comfortable sleeping environment for yourself? Sleep is a basic human need and you aren’t meeting that need for yourself. Like others have said, sleep in a different room, get a noise machine etc.

    Re the aging comments – you’ve said he’s making comments that “you’re old like him now” – personally I don’t think that’s really being rude to you. The fact it “makes you feel like it all ends for you now” is not something he had said to you, it’s your thought and feeling. Ageing is real and we are all getting older each day. He’s probably trying to relate or make himself feel better by saying “you’re like him” now. If it upsets you, then of course tell him so, explain why, and ask him to stop.

40. there is a risk for your baby after 35 yrs, not saying you can’t have kids, but something to take into account

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    if you are always tried, the kid is not going to help