Married men that also have work “buddies”. How does that work for you?

29 comments

1. Yeah that is stuff I don’t do anymore. For two reasons 1) i had an issue where one of those married work friends went too far. Like wearing only a sheer top and no bra when I picked her up. 2) it makes my wife uncomfortable. Haha.

2. None of that for me. When I clock out I don’t know you lmao we’re only “friends” at work. Don’t ask me for shit, don’t try to follow me on social media, etc. male or female lol

3. No you are not out of line. I sure as shit wouldn’t do anything like this outside of work unless i specifically wanted to piss off the lady in my life.

4. So there is nothing inherently or objectively wrong with what you described.That being said, every relationship has different boundaries, and each person in a relationship will have different boundaries.

   For example, I really do not care who my wife talks to at work, if she becomes friends with them, texts, calls, hangs out etc. I’m secure in our relationship and don’t feel in competition with anyone. Further, I 100% trust her to slam the brakes on a friendship if the other person starts acting in appropriate ways. She has the same level of trust in me, but due to her relationships in college being so rife with infidelity she has a lower tolerance for that type of thing. I prioritize her feelings more than being bffs with women at work so I regulate my activity to her boundaries. Key take away here is that in addition to trusting each-other completely, we also regulate our behavior to maximize the other’s happiness rather than always pushing to our boundaries.

   Back to your situation. To me, it seems like there are deeper issues than who your husbands friends are at work and what sex/gender they are. Is there a reason you feel you can’t trust him? Are you not feeling validated and seen in your relationship? Do you feel that he is giving these women more emotional/mental attention than he is giving you? These are all really important questions that I think you need to think on and find some answers on. Your feelings on his work relationships are a symptom of underlying feelings rather than the main issue.

5. You gotta know your husband and know whether he’s worth trusting here. Also, how preoccupied is he with them and how much does he talk to them?

   My wife is occasionally nervous about my same-age attractive secretary whom i do text and joke with occasionally. But mostly, we keep it very professional and (other than the occasional dream she tells me about) my wife mostly trusts that I’m not going to step out. I also know it bothers her that my secretary is attractive so i try and keep contact to a minimum

6. I’m going to go with a hard no on this one. M (42) I actually am in a similar situation. I work with all woman, varied ages and we are great company at work. We laugh and joke and at times shed a tear. I would not text with or hang with any of them outside work. It just makes handling those relationship balances and expectations too difficult to navigate. I should say potentially. This day and age, you really don’t know someone unless you’ve spent time with them outside of work. I kinda think about it like the way many people think about marrying someone before you have lived with them. You can do it but don’t be surprised when you learn they’re a hoarder or someone who leaves the toilet seat up”.

7. Depends on the man. If there are jealousy issues or boundaries he’s knowingly crossing and making you uncomfortable, then he is purposely hurting your feelings, or at least disregarding them and is putting himself in a position to escalate intimacy with these young women. In my case, for example, my girl and I try to be very transparent, so essentially there is no jealousy. I was able to teach a young cowoker (I’m twice her age) swim lessons and there was nothing weird about this, but that’s because I know my partner, I know myself, and I don’t seek to hurt her.
   This is very situational, although it is very likely a man has issues keeping those boundaries as we tend to be very opportunistic especially with young women. I am very close with people at my full time job, and I try to include my partner in our social gatherings, and people are very well aware that I’m committed to her, and any intimate shenannigans will have to include her or she has to be very aware of what’s going on.

8. Every relationship is different… but I would never do what he is doing for the respect of my girl, and I know she would act the same for me. But that is just our personal boundary.

9. I am a male nurse and as you can imagine, I am 95% of the time, the only male working. I make friends, I talk to them at work, and I have texted maybe 3 different people. My wife addressed it with me that it made her feel uncomfortable, so I stopped. I have never given my wife any reason to feel like I will do something bad, my wife likewise. She brought up that I would have a conniption if she had guys from work texting her…..eh probably lol. Not a literal conniption, but I wouldn’t like it. So, I stopped.

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   Why wouldn’t I like it?

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   It’s not that I don’t trust my wife. I don’t trust the other people. I think I just know myself as a guy, I know a lot of guys, hung out with a lot of guys as I grew up, and I just feel like we *usually* have some ulterior motive lol. Dudes (with obviously no moral compass) that are looking for some ass aren’t concerned if you have kids or are married for 30 years or that you’re 20 years older than them and sometimes aren’t even concerned if they’re married with kids. Maybe I am just a worry-wart, but I have just been involved with some shitty people growing up, both male and female.

10. You could always try seeing how comfortable he is if you suggest that you come along with him to the next outing or join a group chat or video call or whatever. Tell him, “I want to meet your friends.” If everything is good, he should be comfortable with that, and not have any issues with including/introducing his own wife.

11. I’ve had many women friends at work. Some I’ve helped out in different ways because they’re my friends. Some have been quite young. I still mentor a 28 year old that I worked with. I’m in my early 40’s.

    So everything could be above board and he’s done nothing wrong. Or he could be a cheating son of a bitch.

12. I mean it depends on the context. When I was working a low skill job and worked with a lot of women AND was on the same level in the job hierarchy, I made friends with and hung out with several coworkers outside of work. Now that I’m in a supervisor role compared to my peers, it’s a pretty strict no social policy because I’m literally their boss. Some people like to treat coworkers as just coworkers and feel like you shouldn’t build and foster relationships outside of work. Other people think coworkers should be their friends. And others think coworkers can be friends given the right context.

    You need to talk to him and have an actual conversation about it, but you also need to be able to articulate what your actual issue is. Is your problem that he is friends with coworkers outside of work? Is it because they’re young? Is it because they’re women? Young women in particular?

    I’ve been friends with coworkers on several occasions and have done things for and with them outside of work. It’s a natural consequence of being around people for 40 hours a week.

13. Sounds like stuff normal friends do. The amount of people here that don’t want their SO to have friends of the opposite sex is crazy to me.

14. I’d personally feel a little weird about this and would create some boundaries regarding it

15. As a person who has been cheated on in the past. TRUST YOUR GUT.

16. The fact that you’re saying you don’t really like it and he says your crazy is a red flag to me. He should just understand that you’re expressing it makes you uncomfortable and put a stop to it. Work is fine but doing things for them or talking out of work should stop! Especially if you haven’t met them either.. this is just me tho.

17. Not married but have a long time GF. I had some female friends at work. Some were older with kids and families, some were younger. I introduced my GF to all of them and we drink together. Sometimes we used to go out for happy hour or social beers and my GF knew about it. At first she was insecure because she thought one of them was attractive (I did not think that). But the insecurity went away because I did not overstep her boundaries.

    I stay away from one on one hangouts. One of the people I met (lesbian) is one of my closer friends to this day. If anything came up where they NEEDED my help, I would help. I wouldn’t be offering it everyday like I’m their white knight.

18. I don’t know, I have seen so much shit. One time I worked with a woman when I was in my 20’s, she in her 50’s. She would go have sex lunches with a much younger man. She was married, he had a longterm serious gf. One time the gf runs into them, and they sat there acting like coworkers. All I could think was that poor girl must have just thought, oh it can’t be anything she’s so old. And she was not some milf, trust me. So the thing is, you just never know. My point is, doesn’t matter the age honestly. They are so much younger, could he conceivable feel like a father figure to them? Yeah. But I doubt it. I personally would assume eventually something is gonna cross the line somewhere.

19. So here’s my take: dudes nearly 40, so maybe he’s enjoying the attention from younger women. Why wouldn’t he? It’s nice to be thought of by people you find attractive, even if you’re not sleeping with them and never would.

    Now here’s the thing: YOU aren’t comfortable with it. It makes you feel a certain way. And you are NOT out of line for feeling that way. Him dismissing your feelings on the matter as “crazy” is thoughtless and hurtful. You should never minimize someone’s feelings, even if you think they’re overreacting.

    I would have a conversation with him about it, using I statements. Not “I think you’re over the line” but “when you hang out with these younger women it makes me feel [anxious, jealous, unappreciated, however it makes you feel]. If he starts off with the “you’re crazy” talk, keep your cool, and keep it on topic: “I’m not accusing you of cheating, I’m telling you how what you’re doing makes me feel.” He might not change his behavior, but at least it might start a conversation about how he can have his interactions with his work buddies in a way that makes you more comfortable.

    Also, asking to participate in some way when they’re spending time together outside of work is great advice I think.

20. This is something a single guy would do, not a married man IMO.

21. If just bringing up him talking to other women outside of work causes him to start an argument, that’s suspicious.

22. If your man is offering to help move then you know something is wrong. Nobody likes moving 😂 Unless they are family or longtime friends.

23. I have work buddies 2 are 10 years younger one is 20 years younger. Not a hint of romance. They’re all married. I think the biggest thing is that we just like to work gossip.

24. I’m not friendly with anyone who isn’t friendly with the relationship. Anyone I’d want to text or spend time with outside of work, I would want them to also meet my wife.

25. I have no female friends. My wife has no male friends. This is a second marriage for both of us and we both had unfaithful spouses previously. We’ve been married for almost 20 years and this works for us.

26. I am a married man, but If I were a wife, I would not like him doing that.

    It’s a slippery slope.

27. I am in my 30s and recently a colleague of mine remarked “you’re kind of popular” and what she meant was that the more attractive age appropriate women tended to visit my desk often to chat and they didn’t do that with other guys in the office.

    Honestly a big part of it is I’ve always been comfortable around women and able to have genuine plutonic relationships with them. Most of the women who I am popular with are happily married or in relationships and I think they get the vibe that I am genuine in our interactions and I have no intention of hitting on them or any of that sort of nonsense. I actually was sexually harrassed in the workplace early in my career and so I am friendly, but I don’t flirt as a rule because I am sensitive to the position that puts people in.

    I am also open about my friendships with my partner and I think a big thing is I talk about the women in a similar way to how I talk about the men, there is no vibe of “oh maybe I need to soften how I say this or maybe not say that”. I’ve never had issues with jealousy or suspicions, but I also present myself in such a way that I am worthy of trust in my interactions with my partner so they aren’t worried. Ask yourself if there is something about your partner that makes you suspicious or concerned, or is this something coming from your past experiences.

28. Its definitely crossing boundaries in terms of keeping company with women like the way he does, particularly giving lifts etc. I think you also have to understand modern dating – men and women are mingling and sharing space so much that it’s almost impossible to prevent.

    As a guy I would say it would be very hard not to find myself compromised in these situations, particularly if he is anyway even mildly handsome. You need to have a serious chat with him and a serious think about his lifestyle and choices.

29. My man doesn’t want me being friendly to other men, so I damn sure expect the same decency.
    My situation is different than yours though.
    I’d say trust your gut though regardless. Too many times I’ve just brushed my gut feelings aside with past relationships and it turned out i was right in the end and shouldn’t have done so.
    Your gut instinct knows.