I have been having issues in my marriage, and I have spoken to my husband as well to address these issues. He has changed in small ways which I do really appreciate, but I think I left it too long and now I am starting to fall out of love with him. How am I supposed to tell him? I feel stuck and riddled with guilt.
39 comments
Just pull off the band aid
Same boat, nothing seems to work from my part šŖ
Do you have kids?
Seems like youāre holding on to resentment which isnāt uncommon. Itās really a choice if you want to fall back in love with your partner but that would mean patience and truly letting go of resentment. I am not sure what changes he made or how severe the issues are, but it starts with your mindset and how you view things. If you want to fall back in love you can, but it will take a while and a shift in how you think.
How long have you been married?
Couples therapy is a really good place to air these things out
If you have issues, counseling is a good way to 1/ air them out, 2/ maybe solve them, 3/ duscover that they’re too deep to be fixed.
So, if it’s about issues, tell him that you are not happy and suggest therapy. If there’s one thing I’ve learned going through this, it’s that it’s OK to have doubts. I’ll say it one more time: it’s OK to have doubts and evem to want out sometimes. What’s not OK is to hide these feelings and, one day, abruptly leave.
Talk to him. You’re not out yet, you have doubts and he needs to know. And you two need to see if something can be done!
Good luck!
Talk, talk and then talk again. Tell him exactly how you are feeling. Yes it’ll hurt but if he doesn’t know how you feel about these, by your own admission, small changes, how can he fix them. And, it takes two to fix things. Even if he addresses these changes, there has to be something deeper which you need to get to the bottom of. You need to explore this, either together or in some form of counselling. You haven’t said if you have kids. If you do, how would they be affected by this. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. I promise you you won’t forgive yourself if you don’t try every avenue before jumping ship. And remember, the grass isn’t always greener, sometimes it turns out to be a foul smelling algae.
So glad that marriage vows allows people to divorce, and break your commitment bonds because of “feelings”…
I’ve been married for over 25 years now in a sexless marriage. I don’t view my spouse as a bad wife, but I certainly wouldn’t go back and do this again. With that being said, I don’t honestly feel that I have any good right to leave her alone just because I don’t have romantic sexual interest in her anymore. She is aware that I love her, but I’m not “in love” with her. I’m not cheating. I would love to have an easy way out of my struggles with my spouse. It’s just that I have a strong moral conviction for honoring my vows that I made before God. I’m pretty sure that if there was infidelity, I could get a divorce. But I’m still waiting for some type of positive transformation.
Good luck with your journey. Everyone is different. I’m just not so easily swayed by our “modern world”.
Just one question: Why did you get married? Sorry but i think you both deserve better. The one comment i don’t like is that, oh he is gonna be heartbroken. Honestly you can complain here about falling out of of love but he could feel the same way about you. You are not above him, do both of you a favour and end it if you want it. But stop pretending you are the better price than him. Seriously do you make your husband feel loved, sometimes people only think of what they receive and forget what they give.
PS: i don’t care if i’m downvoted;)
Love is a choice. I think Iāve fallen out of love with my husband once or twice.
You can choose to work it out with him or not. Donāt drag him along if you choose to let go.
Iām in a similar position and we just started marriage counseling. Iām not ready to give up on my marriage quite yet. I know I married a good man so for me, I want to know I tried my hardest to remedy our relationship. If you know counseling wonāt bring you back together than rip off the bandaid.
Buck up and grow a pair, straightforward and to the POINT – NO, I’M SORRY OR FORGIVE ME – AND WHY SHOULD HE, AND WHY SHOULD YOU CARE, AT THIS POINT!!!!!!!;-)))) I HOPE YOU BOTH HAVE A BETTER LIFE APART AND STILL REMAIN FRIENDS OR N O T!!!;-))))
What’s helped me in the past is prayer prior to every single talk prayer š in my case chanting but however you get your higher self š take the little thoughts and the that talk that usually end in a mess …prayer 1st together or spereate set a time make coffee teat coco what not a little snack tray and talk things out
Are you talking to anyone else? Have any other man being saying things to you?
You can choose to work hard to fix these issues or just give up. If you just give up did you ever truly love him? Are you just board? Hammer these things out in therapy. If that doesnāt help then just get a divorce.
Good thing marriage isn’t based on Love. It’s about duty and commitment and hopefully love is an after affect of doing these things. Sounds like you got a good one too considering he s making changes just for you.
But you don’t have to listen to me. You can go ahead and be a home wrecker because life is not a Disney movie and you can’t hack it.
If you feel a disconnection with your spouse, go away for a few days. Could be a vacation or trial separation. When youāre on your own, sometimes you think clearly and/or miss them. If you do miss your husband then thereās hope. All you need is a spark to reignite the fire.
If heās paying attention, chances are he already knows. Relationships are two people working together. When one falters the other feels it. When one stops being the person they were when the relationship began, the other feels it. So you may find it surprising that informing him of your emotions will not surprise him. However, I may also add that statistically speaking, when partners start saying things like ā Iām starting to fall out of loveā it usually means they have seen someone else theyāre interested in, have been thinking of leaving, are cheating, or have cheated. You canāt fall out of love with someone you married. You may have moments where you arenāt as amorous due to life circumstances but thatās usually temporary and passes with time. But to stop feeling love for this person, thatās not something that just happens. And itās not something that your partner can influence. As Iāve stated, you see someone elseās grass is watered and you want in. The grass is always greener where it is watered. If you havenāt been putting in any effort to make changes in your marriage, it may be your partner doesnāt feel like they should either. I think you should be honest with yourself and look within for the source of your discontent. Many times social media will influence our idea of the perfect relationship. Sometimes we may have a friend who sells the perfect single life and makes us feel like weāre missing out. Think about this, you decided to make a life with your husband. You said vows, ātill death do is part.ā āIn sickness and in health.ā āFor better or worse.ā I really hate that we still use these phrases for vows because it seems as if people just say these phrases without actually knowing what they mean or how important it is to stick to them. Have a long talk with your husband. Be open and honest, no matter what the outcome is. Listen to his response and understand his frustration. His wife is literally telling him she isnāt in love with him. I may also suggest seeing a license marriage therapist. And WORK on the marriage. Donāt just air grievances, donāt just expect people to listen to you while you offer nothing in return. A marriage is 2 people working together. It has its ups and downs. People love to quote the beauty of old couples but like to forget that those couples had to work and compromise alot to get to that stage in their relationship. Itās not always easy, but you can make it if you try together. Best of luck to you OP
I was in this same situation a few years back. I was married for 6 years and for the most part it was us always working to fall in love again. The marriage itself just wasnāt working so we ended amicably. I hope you guys figure out what is going to work for both of you to be happy again!
Iām not sure you portrayed what you mean exactly. To me it sounds like youāre saying youāre trying to change your husband from the person you married. I hope thatās not the case. Thatās a common issue I see though. Women want to change their man and men want them to stay the same.
I haven’t read about any measures you’ve taken to discuss and address issues and problems. Have you both done marriage counseling? And if not, why?
How old are you? How long have you been together? Marriage is not always honey moon phase. There will be ups and down and different levels of affection at different phases of your lives together. After having kids is a good example because for a while during recovery you could even feel like your both in a “roomate” phase.
If you have any kind of resentment towards him you guys need to work through it with communication. Or if it’s just a phase, then look for ways to reignite your spark, which will also require communication and a little planning.
What are the issues in your marriage that are causing you to feel this way? Iām not asking you to share but to sit and think about the issues. Are they things that can be addressed and improved upon? Is your husband aware that you feel this way? You canāt expect change if you havenāt shared all of your thoughts and feelings with him in a constructive and nonjudgmental way. Sit down with him and tell him you are not feeling as though you two are in a good place and lost out the reasons why. Donāt tell him itās his fault because he does or doesnāt do X, Y, and Z. Just list the issues as you see them and how they make you feel. You might be surprised at how willing he is to work on things. And if he isnāt, you donāt have to feel guilty because you want out.
Well, the best *marriage* advice would be that you donāt. You figure out what needs to happen for you to let go of resentment, move forward, and invest in your relationship. Being in love is an emotion, but to a degree, itās also a decision you make. And when the āfeelingā goes the work kicks in to get it back.
They say you wake up every morning deciding if you’re going to love someone or not…
I believe it’s true.. but it’s not just about how you feel or see someone. It’s how you act and talk with each other.
I feel like people don’t properly understand the word “introspect”, much less how to use and implement it properly.
Do both of you understand love languages?
I know how you feel but I told my h straight up I’m falling out of love with you. I was scared and sad when i said it but he allready knew. If he didn’t change his ways then i would certainly leave. He is a new man as far as i can tell and trying to rebuild a marriage.
Yes. Couples therapy can be invaluable. Just remember, in the early days, It was never love to begin with, just infatuation mingling with good old dopamine and endorphins. It’s not that there’s no such thing. There is. It’s just… slower, more powerful, and less fragile. The other stuff is fantastic. It sells a lot of perfume and chocolate. It also dwindles. You have done most of the hard work. See it through. it sounds like he earned it.
Marriage is like a garden. Sometimes the fruit is plentiful. Sometimes itās scarce. But if you keep planting, tilling, and watering the fruit may come again.
Our culture is way more accepting of divorce than it used to be. Thatās good for the people who are more able to escape abuse but itās bad in that sometimes we arenāt taught well to expect the lean years. We know there will be fights but do we know we will fall out of love and that it can come back?
Iām not saying anything about you. I donāt know you or your situation. I just want to encourage you in that sometimes it can get better.
I found out about a decade after my grandparents passed, who were married for 50+ yrs, my grandmother had an affair with her BIL and one of her six kids might belong to him (bil)
My grandmother was clinical dead in 06, but she came out. Worse but she came back. My grandpa cared for her instead of putting her in nursing or whatever. 6yrs later He had a heartattack after starting chemo, she didn’t have anything to stay alive for after that and she went a few months after.
I would say my grandparents were still in love to the very end had a successful marriage.
My point is marriages have ups and down, ebbs and flows and some dark secrets. Provided there isn’t any major issues like abuse the only way to have a notebook ending is to keep trying.
Sending you love. I know how hard this is.
Boy, can I relate. Add in a marital lifetime of caregiving, 38 years of marriage, 1.5 years of counseling due to abuse, he suffered as a child, how it affected our marriage and I’m ready to say uncle. His appreciation of me as a mother and nurse does not a wife or marriage make. But his health issues and guilt have kept me here. He recently received a new kidney which is restoring his health. Now it’s my time to figure out if I’m going or staying.
It’s tough! I had a stint of unemployment and depression (some odd jobs), and this period of withdrawal really put off my wife. She is the primary breadwinner, which I know makes me less attractive (I’m a scientist, lol). She pursued another man (unsuccessfully) but although we’re still together, and today I’m yearning for an emotionally intimate connection, she’s distant. I’m not unattractive, or unfit, or uncultured, and I’m working to be better. I would do anything to have her back.
My wife dances Latin, and is out with a dance team, or socially damcing 4-5 night a week. I’ve entreated to learn, but she is extremely guarded of this “private” aspect of her life (wherein she attempted the affair), and this leaves me typically watching the kids these nights. She expressly doesn’t want me out dancing with her.
Please keep this in mind – in my own case I will do everything in my power to win my wife back, but I am laying alternate plans. I have a female friend (and we have very strong boundaries), but I am increasingly thinking of her more and more. This other woman isn’t close by, so I would have to rearrange my life around a new career – and that would mean being apart from my kids. This woman has shared estrangement loss and enjoys many activities I do. She also has a daughter my daughter’s age. We’re both getting older, but gracefully.
I don’t think it has even entered my wife’s mind that I would do this (especially detaching from my children), but I am so lonely and desperate from her estrangement, it is taking everything for me to maintain my resolve. The bottom line is this: the true test will come once I am under my own sail.
So I challenge you to consider this: make certain that your decision to separate from this man is the best decision in the long haul, because in my own case… if my wife continues this for too long… she will lose me forever.
In my case my wife knows this woman, and she’s always had anxiety regarding her. She doesn’t know we’ve been talking, but know that no matter her separation conviction today, were this other woman to show serious interest in me – my wife would have FOMO. That’s a pretty bad reason (if only) to want me back, but I know this is what she would do. Yet I care too much for folks to play the field. I will stay true for as long as possible, but when I’m gone, I’m all the way gone.
Choose wisely.
Iād recommend reading John Gottmanās book: Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work. He and his wife have done wonders in the field of psychology as it pertains to marriage. If you read the book and realize that the marriage isnāt worth saving, thatās alright too. But the book was very illuminating for me.
I kind of feel like it’s super common to fall in and out of love over time. I’ve been married for 24 years, and I’ve definitely had times I’ve been insanely crazy in love and other times I’m more like “yeah, I love him but I’m not super in love with him”. It’s ebbed and flowed forever, but I love him to pieces as a person and I know that if I’m on an off cycle, it will always come back around. Things like life challenges and stress definitely affect me and my ability to feel certain ways. I just sort of tap out a bit when I’m overloaded.
Don’t know about what to tell your husband, but maybe once you’re separated, get a hobby fixing cars instead of people.
Address with him how you feel, maybe he can do something about it, IF he knows how you feel!
OP take it from someone who has been married 32 yrs and together 40 yrs. Love ebbs and flows. What we feel with the initial infatuation is so intense and many people think they are falling out of love as the intensity fades.
Of course we get periods of intense desire which also come and go as the marriage moves on.
So what are we left we? Many refer to it as the deeper love, the love where you feel the constant warmth of your partner, the trust and reassurance they bring. Yes some marriages hit problems and we constantly adjust and grow together. You would be surprised what a marriage can endure.
Having said all that it only works if both people are fighting for it. There is no shame in walking away from a marriage which doesn’t suit you or is damaging to you but before you do please give it the best chance you can. Remember you fell in love with that person for a reason.
Go to http://www.marriagebuilders.com and contact Steve Harley and begin coaching immediately with your husband. Everyone āfallsā out of love. Itās learning to live love and choose it daily that will sustain your marriage happiness. Do it NOW. Tell him Cheryl sent you. (Iād skip couples ātherapyā ā¦. Go to Steveā¦. Itās about coachingā¦ therapy ends most often in divorce).