I want to rekindle things with my estranged husband.

22 comments

1. You need to tell us why exactly were you separated?

   Did you date or had sex with anyone else when you were separated?

   What is it about him that you miss?

   Then we can craft a proper conversation starter for you

2. It’s been three years – is he single?

   I’d think long and hard about why you split in the first place. There must’ve been a reason (or more than one). Is that reason still applicable?

3. There’s so much context that’s just not here.

   No way you are getting any type of good advice.

4. Hard to say because we have no idea what caused you to separate, but if you are feeling like you want to give it another try, then talk to him. Just tell him you want to talk, and then tell him you have been thinking about what’s next. That it seems like you either should to divorce and make it official, or you should to move forward and see if there is something left to salvage. I mean – you can’t stay in limbo forever right? It isn’t good for your child either, she needs to understand if the marriage is over, or if there is any hope at all. Tell him she has been asking you about whether there is a chance you will be back together again. Tell him the truth – that you have been thinking about it, you miss him, and would like to see if there is a way to stay married and be a happy family again if he also has been thinking or feeling the same way. Put yourself out there, the worst that happens is he says no, and then at least you have an answer and can move on. That is still better to me than having BOTH of you feel this way and never connecting the dots…

5. You were awful to each other. Why go back for round 2?

6. [deleted]

7. So you cheated and he cheated and now that you have tried some others you want him back? Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me.

   Now if you approach him about it I would say get some couples counseling if he is ok trying again with you at a minimum.

8. Step back.

   Why did you 2 split up? Have the reasons for that been fixed? It’s possible you’re just lonely and seeing things from rose tinted glasses.

9. There’s such a thing as “flogging a dead horse.” You can try, but that horse ain’t moving.

   That’s where I think the two of you are. The relationship is dead. You both killed it with infidelity, you’ve both moved on to be with other people. It sounds like you two are making great coparents and that’s what’s confusing for your kid. It’s a good thing to get along with the father of your kid.

10. Is it enough to just get along? I feel like she would be happier with both of us in her life.

11. I would tell him exactly how you feel and talk about what would be different this time around.

12. What has co parenting been like? I’d start there. She’s the priority right now for both of you, not your love lives.

    Just because you miss what you once had, doesn’t mean you get to have it back when you want it. Neither of you treated the other or your marriage with the respect and prioritization it demands. Y’all both messed up, big time. Lots of infidelity all around and a clear lack of communication and vulnerability during your marriage. Excusing your behavior and choices won’t get you very far either. You can no longer view the past as “well he did XYZ” or “I only did XYZ which isn’t near as bad as what he did.”

    Communication. Vulnerability. Accountability. Priorities. Forgiveness. Sacrifice.

    Work on those things and then see how/if you can both come back together and recommit to your marriage vows.

13. Lol I can’t imagine.

    I would rather eat a bucket of live hornets than rekindle something with my ex husband, good luck with that

14. My aunt and uncle separated and then got back together after years apart. It’s possible. I think there will always be hurt there but they work well together and love each other a lot. They don’t have kids, they just needed time apart to learn a few lessons before coming back together. They each have a ton of trauma from previous relationships and their childhoods that was affecting the way they treated each other (duh). Maturing a bit helped.

15. Let it go and move on. It’s been too long and there’s been too much hurt. I can’t imagine that the level of trust you need for a healthy marriage can ever be rebuilt with this man.

16. If you’re in counselling I would discuss this with your therapist and really make sure that this isn’t just purely out of loneliness, mid-life regret, disappointment with other relationships, nostalgia, etc. It sounded like a train wreck of an ending between you guys and I’m not sure having another go at this will yield any better results. Then again I could be wrong and maybe you’ve both grown as people. However I would strongly suggest you discussing this with a therapist first.

17. My husband and I have rekindled our estranged marriage after two and a half years and I actually had a child with somebody else in the meantime since we have rekindled our relationship has never been stronger he accepts my second child like it’s his own and we had a third child we’re making plans to move away from his toxic overly opinionated family because they think they have a pull on our marriage if you guys can truly forgive each other for all of your transgressions in the past if you guys can truly get over that and learn to trust one another like actually trust one another I think that you guys could make it work if that’s really what you wanted

18. Folks here asking a lot of good questions. But regarding the “how,” you can just initiate the conversation and see what he even thinks about it. See if he thinks it is even a possibility. It really can be that simple.

    From there, I suggest you go to couples counseling to allow someone who is experienced to guide you both through the process of exploring whether this is a good idea/if it can work. I know you said he lives far away right now, but you can still do things remotely these days.

19. 1. Is this about missing the two of you as husband and wife, or the three of you (you two and your child) as a family? Because that difference is huge.

    I get wanting to have “the whole, happy family” for your child. But that’s quite different from wanting to have a relationship with your ex. And wanting a relationship with your ex specifically is very different than wanting to be in a relationship in general.

    2. Get clear on that difference if you are not. If that means therapy, see a counselor before you ever bring it up.

    3. Is the cost worth it? If you don’t work out, that will be more traumatizing for your child than staying apart with a good coparenting relationship.

    4. If you bring it up, what’s the game plan to make sure the relationship work this time? How will you handle it if he isn’t interested? Will this make it difficult to coparent?

    5. How confident you you can both forgive the past? You’ve both matured beyond that? That it will be healthy? What’s the expectation if you get back together- dating? Marriage? Living together?

    Don’t say anything until you know exactly what you’re asking for.

20. I feel like you need someone who understands this situation better to give you solid advice.

    There’s a lot of popular opinion in this thread about the infidelity on both sides. For a different perspective I recommend researching Esther Perels work. Her YouTube channel and books are good sources

21. I would consider that maybe the reason you two get along better is BECAUSE you are not married any more…

22. Don’t over think this friend. Meet him for coffee. Just say what you told us. Or send him this post so he can know your heart. But he has to know that if he declines, you need to pop right back to normal. Tell him you understand and promise you won’t make it awkward.
    If he agrees to date, sit down with kids and be blunt: “We are taking this very slowly. Who knows the outcome. But we wanted to treat you like the mature kids you are.”
    Want to do this the right way? Insist on six outings (3 weeks minimum) and never at each others homes. Why? You don’t want hormones jumping his bones too soon. Bad move girl!
    But hey, maybe just send him this link and say “You’re a good father. Here’s my post. I’m fine either way.”