My boyfriend pushes me away every time he gets anxious; need advice
I’m 25F dating a 34M, we’ve been in a relationship for about 7 months now, and the relationship’s pretty serious by now.
We mostly communicate very well and we live very close to each other, so we get to spend 2-4 nights together weekly at his place, which is great.
However, my partner sometimes gets very sad and upset out of nowhere, and when we’re together and that happens he almost immediately asks me to leave (in the nicest way that he can in that momento, but still). He’s told me that he has an anxiety disorder, and he’s been getting it treated for years with a psychologist, so I try to be understanding when this happens because I know if I get visibly upset it will only make it worse. However, these episodes happen every 2-3 three weeks, and every time he asks me to leave I feel kind of rejected and it makes me sad because in my case, I feel the opposite. When I feel down or anxious, I prefer being with him, talking about it, and knowing I’m not alone.
Anyway, he recently opened up to me when he was feeling fine, and told me that he’s always had a really hard time communicating his worries and feelings especially in those moments, but that he’s working on it. He told me he would like to open up more and maybe instead of shutting down and wanting to be alone, he would like to talk about it and perhaps get a hug or just have me be there with him.
The last time he got another one of those episodes and asked me to leave, I tried to get him to talk to me instead, and he said no. I then suggested that he let me stay and I said I would not bother him, maybe we could both be doing our own thing in separate rooms until he felt better or until he felt comfortable enough to share a little bit of what he was feeling with me, but he had already “shut down” and said no.
I also feel kinda weird about it since sometimes when he asks me to leave, he later goes and hangs out with one of his friends, so that makes me feel like maybe he doesn’t want to be with me specifically. I get that it might help him get distracted for a while and ignore that upset or sad feelings, but it saddens me that he can do that with his friends and not with me.
My main question is, should I keep trying to get him to open up and talk to me? I mean it in a loving and patient way, and respecting him if his answer for a while keeps being no.
I’m sure we both love each other, and the time we spend together when he’s fine is always fun, and I feel very safe and loved around him. That’s why I would really like some more opinions in what would be a good way to handle this for both of us, since I definitely feel he would benefit from being able to express his feelings to me, and I would feel a lot better if he didn’t push me away and ask me to leave every time he’s feeling that way.
Thanks for reading:)
TL;DR! – My boyfriend often gets episodes of intense anxiety / depression and when that happens & we’re hanging out he shuts down and asks me to leave. I feel sad and need advice if I should ask him to communicate his feelings a little more or try alternatives like spending time in the same place but w/o bothering each other, before asking me to leave his place.
5 comments
Don’t expect him to change. Apparently he recognizes that this is a problem and He’s seeing a therapist to address it, which is great, but he’s unlikely to make drastic changes to his life-long coping strategies.
Not everyone processes problems better by talking about them, or by being with other people. Some people need some alone time to process by themselves before they can engage with other people. Don’t take it personally. This is just how it works for him. You say, “I definitely feel he would benefit from being able to express his feelings to me” but just because it’s true for YOU doesn’t mean it’s true for him. Let him process his feelings and his issues in his own way, especially since you know he has a therapist guiding him.
Your idea of doing things in separate rooms was a good attempt at a compromise, and maybe he’ll be able to move in that direction at some point, but it sounds like he mostly needs to be alone.
Don’t take it personally when he wants to spend time with a friend instead of you. There is this myth that we are supposed to be everything for our partner and that we should want to spend all our time together, but in reality that’s just BS, and not even all that healthy when taken to an extreme. We are one part of our partner’s life. Sometimes they want to be away from us, to be with friends, or do a hobby, or play a video game, or whatever, and there’s nothing wrong with that.
As someone with the same diagnosis i’d advise: don’t try to push him anywhere/anyhow during the episode, when i had an episode i wanted alone time from my ex who we lived together 4-5 years then, i just went to shed to be alone (since we bought a house together and i ain’t asking anyone there to leave house because of my illness, i find accommodation myself, but the house is his own in the case we’re speaking of and he may need familiar enviro to cope), he may be the same type that needs alone time, but don’t approach at that time (for my case, it just heightened the anxiety and made me feel worse than it already was), also i’d say your relationship is quite fresh so he maybe doesn’t feel fully comfortable yet, if you love that guy and want to be serious with him you need to give room as it sounds when he has an episode, perhaps later after some years he’ll feel more comfortable with it around you too, but if it’s too much you can always call it quits. Your call. Most people with anxiety disorder would understand, it’s regular and probably permanent, so not easy.
Will you feel weird about it if he starts judging you for wanting to be close when you are anxious because his way of doing things is different than yours?
If he’s feeling anxious at that moment is about him feeling ok again. If he doesn’t want to talk you, you shouldn’t force your way of doing things on him.
Some people feel worse talking about their problems with significant others, especially men. If you want to be in the same space but not bother him you should talk to him about that.
What is a guy that age doing with someone your age?
My husband does a similar thing though not as frequent or as drastic. He has what I call “dark cloud days” where he becomes withdrawn, quiet, and generally unwilling to interact. At first I felt rejected and kept trying to get him to talk and do things with me, but that just made him pull away and shut down. He explained to me that sometimes he just has days where he feels down and doesn’t feel like being with another person. It’s nothing to do with me but he hopes I can respect when he needs his space. Thankfully he doesn’t have these episodes often anymore, but it really helps to remind myself that his unresponsiveness isn’t about me. When he has these days I just make my own plans and wait for him to come around.
Now obviously your situation is worse because he makes you physically leave the house and it happens without warning, but you don’t get to decide that it’s “better” if he talks to you. You only get to decide if this the relationship you want to be in. He’s already told you he doesn’t feel better talking to you when he’s that anxious and you should respect that. The relationship is still relatively new in the grand scheme of things, and perhaps he feels more comfortable with friends he’s known longer in that situation.