We’ve been together for 5 years and met at uni, he used to help out with the undergraduate classes and it just kind of happened and we fell in love. We’ve never really had any issues, he’s really calm and collected and all our “arguments” are really just discussions where we disagree calmly. We’ve both always been happy just being who we are, not really worrying about getting married or “becoming adults”.
We’ve lived together for 3 years now and it’s been bliss.
The problems as they are started to arise about 2 years ago I guess, his mother died and he went back to her country and stayed there for about 3 months dealing with things. He came back as a completely different person, he was still calm and stuff but his attitude towards things changed completely. He started praying all the time, started growing a beard (which looks great on him lol so not an issue), started talking about getting married and having kids (which I’m not against, but was more a future thing) but most importantly his views changed a lot. He was never into religion or politics before, was always apathetic really but these suddenly became more important to him.
He got rid of his phone and just has some old phone now without whatsapp or anything. He wants to buy a house out in the countryside, wants to grow his own vegetables, wants to home school any children we have, goes to the mosque every friday. He hasn’t said anything bad yet, but I feel like he’s going down a path that scares me. I see it enough online with all the hate conservatives have and I’m worried and don’t know what to do if he starts behaving that way. The one incident that scared me a bit is when a few friends wanted to go Brighton for the weekend which is a very LGBTQ+ friendly town and he refused to go and though he didn’t forbid me from going or anything he gave the impression that he was disappointed that I was going.
I’m really scared and don’t know what to do. I love him a lot, like a lot, and I cannot think of a life without him.
14 comments
People do not always walk down the same path. It sounds like you and the bf parted ways a while back. It can take a while to realise
Millions of people have been where you are, you are not the first. Sometimes life just doesn’t go the way you want
Congratulations to your boyfriend for opening his eyes to how the world really works 👏
Living outside the city, growing you’re own food, making sure your children don’t get indoctrinated, sounds like a great life
Do your religious/ political beliefs align? Have you asked him about how he feels now about LGBTQ people?
Not without my daughter. Watch that movie.
There are a bunch of deprogramming subs on Reddit, you might find better advice in one of them. Here’s a sampling, take a look and see if any match what you’re looking for: https://www.reddit.com/subreddits/search?q=deprogramming
There’s also /r/exmuslim. It sounds like something got activated by the death of his mother and he’s searching for meaning, and latched onto religion. The loss of a parent can be very destabilizing and if you two can find a way to talk about it and redirect his need for support and answers to something healthier like therapy, you may be able to nip the burgeoning radicalization in the bud.
If he refuses to be swayed and keeps walking down this path, unfortunately that may mean the end of your relationship. The “traditional” life he’s describing is not usually one that’s equal between men and women.
The death of a parent, particularly one’s mother, can really knock people for a loop. Becoming re-immersed in their religion, assuming his parents raised him in this faith, is a common response and it can be 2 fold: 1 a sense of maintaining a connection with their loved one through a shared faith 2 giving them a framework where their loved one’s death has meaning. That religious fervor can wane over time as the mourner begins to process their grief, but sometimes it’s a permanent change.
That doesn’t mean his sudden change is healthy, particularly if he is distancing himself from friends, but if he doesn’t see it that way, there isn’t much you can do. He’s an adult, and you’re not (thankfully) married. Your life goals and values no longer align, and you’re no longer compatible. So I think the time has come to seriously consider parting ways.
Just dump his ass. You can’t build a happy life with a person like him.
Run as fast as you can from this dude
I’d get out of that relationship as quickly as possible.
People in these comments hate anyone who doesn’t agree with their politics and beliefs
It’s not the religion in general that’s problematic.
Whenever your partner starts laying down hard non-negotional boundaries that will infringe on your behaviour, while at the same time they are unresponsive to your requests, that’s when things get dicey. I think him being mad about Brighton is a bit of a problematic thing…
He told you all about the lifestyle he wants. But what’s more important: Do you want that lifestyle?
Sup, pussy?
Maybe ask him why he chose to change his beliefs and have a conversation so you can learn. It sounds like you have some prejudice towards conservative people tbh