TL;DR I will provide some background and my current dilemma at the end… Thank you for the help..
My brother, let’s call him Abe has been dating his girlfriend (let’s call her Tia) for over 3 years now. They have been very toxic the past several years, and I will enumerate some things that have happened prior to her getting pregnant:
1. Abe preventing her from seeing her friends
2. Her getting angry for the simplest things (I have noticed it personally when we are together, my siblings and people outside of the family noticed this too). My brother has a tendency to ignore when this happens sometimes.
3. Broke up and got together multiple times.
4. Verbally abuse each other.
5. Abe would end up kicking her out, but she ends up returning anyway.
At some point, my brother broke up with her again, and their fight got really bad (verbally). I can admit Abe has anger management, but he never wants to seek help for it no matter how many times we try to talk to him. Tia really likes him and could not bear to be apart from him, so she attempted to unalive herself.
Of course, after this happened, Abe got very worried as I am sure there is still love there, despite it being toxic – so they got back together.
Tia, several months later, gets pregnant because she said she did not use how to properly use birth control pills (she said she used it before and after sex…?). They both decide to have the baby…
So, the same cycle continues. We ask them to do couples counseling for the baby, etc. but my brother refuses to do it stating he is not the problem.
Today, Tia’s mom texts me stating she wants both families as it is getting very toxic emotionally and physically. I asked Abe and he said they were walking outside and had an argument, she starts hitting him a lot and slapped her (not the face, but pushed her). I know he should not have done that to a 6 month pregnant lady, but we also don’t know what she told her mom and the full story.
We kept telling them to break up, but it just never happened. I am not sure if this “intervention” will help. If we do move forward with this “intervention”, I am not sure what recommendations we should provide? They are adults, they need to make that decision themselves, but they are obviously both very immature. I just don’t want it to get it to the point where the cops will get called, and it will be he said she said.
We really don’t know what to do. We know that if they stay together, it will be very bad for the kid’s well being. HELP!! What should I respond to Tia’s mom? (My parents are not involved because they cannot speak English well and I act as the head of the family).
TL;DR – My brother’s pregnant gf’s mom wants to do an intervention for their toxic relationship but I am not sure it will help since they’re full grown adults. Although I don’t want any cops involved and I know it’s gonna be bad for their baby in the future.. But they’re so hard headed. Help!
3 comments
Interventions are generally linked to immediate consequences. Like, there is car waiting outside to take the person to treatment. What is the immediate consequence that will follow the intervention? I would not attend unless the girlfriend‘s mother has a clear plan, with possible next steps laid out, and you fully understand your role in the process. I would be afraid of being part of something emotional and disorganized that was never going to work, and that would make my brother+girlfriend upset enough to restrict my access to their child, who would be the focus of my concern.
Indeed, I’m not sure that you can do anything more in this situation except try to protect the child. You might want to research local resources for child protection, so you know who to call when the child in endangered by their relationship.
Tell your brother to be patient and go to therapy. If she’s starting the physical violence herself, don’t ever hit her back, but start documenting the fights.
If he doesn’t want to go to therapy, then it’s his call, but he is an adult and he has to go through the consequences of his actions. The best you can do is to just worry about the well being of the kid, whether you work it out with the girlfriend’s mom.
They need a pro. The “let’s have an intervention” turns out to be a mess unless it is run by a person who is trained in that.
‘’and let’s put this out front: neither you or the GF’s mom are in the relationship. It is quite possible that your brother and the GF will close ranks and repel anyone who tries to interfere.
you can recommend a marriage counselor. After that it is their relationship, not yours. And if you meddle, don’t be surprised if you get frozen out.