My husband (34M) and I (34F) have had dynamic sex drives over the 10 years we’ve been together. When we first met, I was very into sex and wanted to jump on him all the time, possibly even more than he wanted. I pushed him to keep up with me and eventually he did and we would have sex or foreplay 4-6 times a week for the first few years. Our relationship in other ways wasn’t always very healthy (jealousy, financial issues, self confidence), but we grew together, had two children together, and our relationship is the best it’s ever been in *most* ways.
After having two children, my sex drive plummeted. Even after the first (they are 2 years apart), it had started to decline, but the second one just put me in a different world of desire and presence when it comes to sex.
For a long time I would try my best to avoid a conversation about it and just kind of “put up” with him wanting to fool around and me not being interested at all. Eventually though, he cornered me into talking about it, which is understandable since we are very open in our communication. He expressed how he was feeling badly that I didn’t seem into what we were doing and how I was becoming somewhat mechanical or zombie like. I pushed back against this for a while but eventually I had to hear him out entirely.
Where I landed was that, originally my drive was higher than his, he met me where I was at. Then my drive lowered, and now it’s my turn to meet him where he’s at the best I can. Even with this approach in my head, sometimes I just didn’t want to do it, and I would say no to him, so much that he stopped asking, and he would be upset with me more or less.
He scrolled through reddit one night and showed me a post of someone who was dealing with similar struggles as us. The solution this redditor came up with his wife, was to schedule sex, and for them to stay consistent with it. While I (and my husband) prefer spontaneous sex when I am (rarely) up for it, having this schedule makes it so that I know what days it’s going to happen, and I don’t give myself the option to say no. Similarly, we also added in a night where he will do something with me, that does not result in sex (he used to do this with me until I stopped having sex with him regularly, so him spending time with me was always in hopes of getting something out of me since it was so infrequent).
It might sound kind of strange, but I think it’s really helped in all honesty. We are both accountable to each other now. I know when Tue, Fri, and every other Sunday roll around, I will need to be ready to fool around with him those nights. He knows that on Wed, he will need to be ready to rub my feet. Since I no longer have an option to say no (mostly, there are circumstances which he’s respectful towards), I find myself actually having more fun during it. One of his complaints was that I wasn’t as vocal or passionate when we were getting intimate, and it’s because I was always wishing (more or less) that I was watching a horror movie, smoking my vape pen, and cuddling with my two dogs. But now that alternate reality doesn’t exist, I find myself more present, and he seems to be enjoying it a lot more.
This isn’t so much a suggestion as much as it is just putting back into the world something that worked for my husband and I. It might not work for all (or most maybe) couples, but it’s really working out for us. My husband works very hard for our family (as do I as a stay at home mother), and he gives us everything we could ever want. He communicates with me respectfully (within reason for a human), and listens to me, considers me. I just kind of had to take a step back and consider how much he has changed for me (and our family) in ways that will never be negotiable, and decide to stop giving myself the option to not fulfill his needs in a way that is also non-negotiable.
10 comments
Scheduling sex is something professional therapists will sometimes recommend, and I think it’s a nice twist to have the non-sexual affection night as well.
I’d also suggest things like Mojo Upgrade or sexionnaire.com to look at spicing things up too.
And finally, books like Come are You Are can be very helpful for both of you to understand desire and orgasm.
That’s a great suggestion, and something I think my wife and I should discuss. It also tells me that maybe I should back off on talking about a second child š
I find for me that I often operate best when I’m backed into a corner. I’m pretty indecisive and have a hard time committing to one thing or another, but when I’m faced with something like “you have to do this at this particular time,” all of that indecision and the anxiety related to it goes away, because my hand is forced and what’s the point of wasting energy on being anxious about it? It sounds like you might have the same thing going here…it’s no longer this unknown thing that you never know when your husband is going to proposition you, so you always have that possibility floating in the air, and if you don’t *feel* like sex in the moment, you can’t just flip a switch, so you’re more likely to default to “no.”
Some people might look at this as, “oh my god, you’re forcing yourself to have sex!” but that’s clearly not what’s happening. You’re creating a structure around a mutually pleasurable activity and giving each other something to look forward to. Congrats!
Congratulations on being adults and solving your problems through open communication! Just this skill alone makes everything better. Itās also great that you both cared for each otherās feelings and didnāt just stop at āI donāt have to have sex with youā and actually found a working fix. Reddit is better with people like you.
This is your best solution because otherwise you both would be building resentment, you because he keeps asking, and him because you keep turning him down. Short of maybe trying some things in the bedroom to rev up your drive. Also, He was doing what I did with my ex-wife which was make myself not want it and thus not wanting her. This is part of the reason she is my ex-wife. Working this out is good for both of you and keeps you both,not building resentment.
The most important message that you two did well (eventually) was to communicate and listen. Biggest issue in most relationships. Well done that you found what works for you both and for communicating and listening to each others needs.
I think scheduled sex is really hot. It gives you something to look forward to throughout the day and the days leading up to it. When you are scheduling your day around getting something done for sex you have no choice but to think about the sex.
Anything thing Iāve tried with my partners along with scheduling sex is ānaked timeā. A time usually a weekend morning where we are going to be together naked. It is so fucking sexy. Usually we have our typical routine of morning sex. But afterwards we donāt get dressed. We shower, eat breakfast, and spend time together naked in bed under the covers or on the couch watching TV, cuddling or just talking.
That is a great way to stay connected sexually, and it also leads to more sex!!!
Many years ago I had a period of depression, and didn’t feel much like sex. My wife was feeling neglected. We talked about it and decided that we should have sex every third day, whether I felt like it or not. That was one of the best decisions we ever made. I came out of my depression, but we’ve continued with our loosely scheduled sex to this day.
Scheduling sex in a log term relationship is *sexy!* Knowing it’s gonna happen takes the pressure off, and gives you time to anticipate. It expresses your commitment to one another, and it expresses your ongoing attraction and desire for one another.
The truth is, sex is a responsibility for long term partners. When you commit to being exclusive, on the one hand you’re saying that neither of you will have sex with anyone else. But on the other hand, you’re relying on one another to fulfill your needs for sex. Just because you give up having sex with anyone else shouldn’t mean you give up having sex as often as you want, within reason of course. This is a serious responsibility for the happiness of both partners.
Try it, see what happens.
Yep, definitely a thing and something I have recommended to friends. We (husband and I) had a long standing (he he he) ‘maintenance shag’ on my day off during the week when kids were at school. It definitely helped maintain sex drive and as it was daytime, no one was too tired. We both miss it now our schedules have changed.
We did this when we had 3 young children. The structure really helped.