For context, my gf and I dated in high school and college, but then we broke up and didn’t speak for over 7 years. When we broke up, it was because she had met another man that she felt a connection to and they kissed, and she broke up with me the day after. This broke my heart, as I was in love with her at the time. She went on to marry that man, but they separated and began divorce maybe 6 months before we reconnected. We reconnected last year after bumping into each other at an event, and things have been pretty good, but there are little things that make me uncomfortable and uncertain.
One of the things I’m uncertain about is that she has this male best friend who she met through her job as a restaurant manager, he’s one of the servers. They had a short romance when they first met, but it didn’t last more than a couple weeks and they never officially dated, but they had kissed once before. When she and I reconnected, she and him had a conversation about how they aren’t compatible, and that they’d remain friends.
I didn’t have any issue with this man, but after a few times of hanging out with him and her, I’ve found that I don’t like or trust him, as he’s got a major alcohol and cocaine issue, and he’s said things that have been mean to both me and her. He also gets way to close to her, hugs her too much, rests his hands on her (like on her side), and says weird things.
One night while the 3 of us were hanging out, he kept finding time and moments to put his hands on her, hugging her very frequently (even from behind, which is incredibly uncomfortable to me, I’d never hug a female friend from behind), and kissing her on the cheeks and he often says “I love you, baby”, to which she responds that she loves him too, but she doesn’t use the word baby. I found this all very uncomfortable, and that night I let her know that his touching and the frequent “I love you”‘s were making me very uncomfortable, but she defends the behavior, and wants to be able to “share affection with her friends”. I really disliked this answer, and this has all been a point of contention between she and I for many months now. Eventually, after we fought about it multiple times, she finally decided to tell him that he needs to back off on the touching because “it makes \*OP\* uncomfortable.”. They still hang out frequently one on one, and go to bars together and such, and she recently told me that while they were out drinking recently, they had a long discussion about how they wish I would deal with this behavior, and that they find me weird for not liking or trusting it all. I also don’t go out to the bars with them frequently, both because I dislike him, and I don’t really enjoy the dive bar environment.
I believe that she has not cheated on me, but this all makes me incredibly uncomfortable, and it inevitably causes fights between us whenever she hangs out with him alone, and she’s even suggested that we do couples therapy and that I get lone therapy to be able to help deal with these feelings so she can stop feeling so guilty about hanging out with him.
I really can’t tell if this is something that makes us incompatible, or if I’m just being totally ridiculous. I’m the type of person that if I’m in a relationship, I find it uncomfortable to hang out with other women one on one, and I’d certainly never be putting my hands on them and telling them that I love them.
I’d really love to hear some other perspectives, as it feels like I can’t bring this to my friends or family without feeling like I’d be hurting their respect for she and I’s relationship.
TL:DR – My GF has a male bestfriend who is very touchy and huggy and it makes me uncomfortable, but she doesn’t want that to change, suggesting that I get therapy to learn to cope. are we incompatible?
6 comments
Extra details and events that make me feel uneasy, a few nights ago she had gone out with him, and I was at home playing online games with friends. I decided to go to bed around 10PM, and she had text me that she was going to be coming home soon, and that she and him had gotten into a convo about another friend that was taking a while. I then woke up around midnight to her still not being home, and I called her to check in, she said she had just dropped him off at his place and was headed home, but she then proceeded to be very upset with me and yell that she doesn’t want to hear me be uncomfortable or get upset with this happening, as they were just having a really long conversation about the other friend. Granted, I have had the issue where I get uncomfortable and it takes me a few days to express it, and then we fight again. I’m very unsure of how to feel about her staying out so late with him, and I have no way of knowing if they spent that entire time at the bar or part at his house or what.
The real question is why are you with her? She has no respect for you or your relationship and just sees you as the safe option. The way she acts and her comments about showing affection to friends when he said I love you baby and she said it back less the baby was BS. This guy has a alcohol and cocaine issue and acts like that in front of you just trying to wreck things between the two of you. Save yourself the hassle and pain, she is divorced already at 27 and had a thing with this guy even though it was short lived and still hangs out with this guy, She is trash and you don’t need this in your life, she will just disrespect you over and over because she doesn’t respect you and figures you won’t dump her.
I would end it.
What a sucker. She cheated on you already and married the guy. Now she constantly disrespects you letting other men call her baby, men she has done things with. You’re nothing but a sucker. Wouldn’t surprise me if history repeats itself after all, she don’t give a shit about your feelings already so what’s stopping her?
Well, obviously, she’s free to do as she wishes and obviously she is doing that. Let me ask you a question. Since you like being with her. What if you were to continue to have a sexual relationship with her and make it as passionate affair as possible. Become as perfect a lover as she as ever had. Pretend (to yourself) you are competing with the drug addict but don’t let her think that.
If you don’t know where the G spot is find it. Find all the other spots. MAKE SURE SHE ALWAYS GETS OFF. He puts her hands on her. You put your hands on her, but do it better. “More seductive and sexier” If she is out late having a conversation with with him give her a reason to want to come home. don’t show jealousy it’s unattractive and would make you look week. So enjoy the relationship for what it is . You cannot change anything, so why and not go along for the ride.
Another thing is that the restaurant business is a tough one. There are a lot of affairs a lot of drinking , late nights , drug and so on that the life style becomes addicting. finally it may be that you know this will work out the way you want it. It could be that what she finds in you is comfort and safety and yet there’s still this part of her that craves excitement. What have you got to lose?
End it.