I f(20) and my bf (20)(ex) had been dating for 9 months up until yesterday when I broke up with him. We’ve had a rocky relationship. There’s been a lot of emotional and mental abuse that he’s put onto me. He always gets angry when I bring him things that bother me or me simply coming to him with how I feel. He immediately gets defensive starts yelling at me and it ends up in a big fight. One day I decided to sleep longer instead of calling him on his work break at 10:30 AM, he called me anyway and yelled at me for it got angry dragged it out all day and called me selfish for not checking up on him later in the day despite how he treated me in the morning which I don’t think is fair. It was also gfs day. This is also my first relationship. I’ve done research and I think he’s a narc.
He started a new job at a factory a few months ago. He’s very social so he made friends fast. He befriends a girl. Now they’re good friends that they even hang outside of work, not alone. So later, we plan to go to the lake me my bf his friend my friend and her. The lakes were closed so we got pizza instead, after we hit Walmart to grab games and snacks. While there they both (my bf n her) start chasing each other around the aisles and throwing things at each other. It immediately rubs me the wrong way. I know flirting when I see it. Me and him have done tht before.
The next day I call him and tell him that it made me uncomfy, he said it wasn’t like that and he wasn’t flirting with her but he’ll stop. I said okay shocked that he said he’ll stop and didn’t make it into an argument. Days later I’m having doubts if he actually stopped so I go thru his phone. I see him telling her she’s blessed, inviting himself to the gym with her and for her to stop by his house to see his car. I start to shake and wait til he comes in the room he sees im visibly upset. He tries to console me I tell him to take me home, he refuses. I end up telling him what I saw and he’s denys there’s flirting. I say it is flirting n he knows it.
Later over the phone I tell him to admit to the fact that he flirted with her. He denied n denied to the point I broke the necklace he’d gotten me and he admitted in the end he flirted but doesn’t know why. I break up with him n tell him he has to earn my trust back. I still allowed him to be friends with her which was my mistake because I wasn’t comfortable with that at all but I did it for him. He said he’d set boundaries with her.
Fast forward a month or two and we’re back together I see she calls him and they still text quite a bit. After a while I just got more uncomfy with the calls especially the FaceTimes. I didn’t see flirting but the fact that he was still calling and texting a girl he’s flirted with before just doesn’t sit right with me. I tell him I’m starting to get uncomfortable with the facetiming and I’d just like for it to stop, regular calls were fine if it was about her car. He’s said okay that he’d tell her. (My man is a car guy). Pt2 in comments
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Part 2 Later, I continue to see the FT calls. I reiterate my discomfort, as I have previously informed him. I gave him chances to express my feelings to her, but he didn’t. Now I wonder why he doesn’t want the calls or texts to end. So, I told him harshly to remove her from social media after we had been arguing. He insists that I’m trying to control him, despite my efforts to give him chances to address the issue. Now, he has crossed a line where I no longer want any calls or texts between them. She was a coworker and will continue to be just that, strictly in the workplace.
He’s says I’m insecure when I asked him what’d he’d do in my shoes he said he’d want the same thing for me to cut that person off. He called her and told her to stop the ft calls, but it’s too late. It’s not just about that anymore, it’s about everything. He said he already did what I wanted and told me to stop trying to control him. I told him he only did it after months of me pleading. I said remove her off social media or I’ll leave.
He finds it easy to delete her but doesn’t like feeling controlled. I told him I’m not trying to control him, but he had chances to change and did nothing. It’s not unreasonable for me to not want my boyfriend to text and call a girl he’s flirted with before. It makes me uncomfy, and he agreed he’d feel the same in my situation, so why is it so difficult for him to understand?
He called her and I assumed he told her about removing her from social media. I decided to talk to her and explain why it made me uncomfy. That was a big mistake because she accused me of being also insecure. I tried to explain that it’s not about that, but she didn’t take it well and now I regret telling her anything. He asked why I texted her and involved her, and I told him it was because I wanted to explain to her. All day, I tried to explain my feelings but constantly got shut down and called insecure, controlling, and crazy. She even called me crazy too.
Later on the phone, he acted like a completely different person, claiming to understand my perspective. However, for hours over text, he was gaslighting me. He wonders why we can’t compromise. I told him I compromised months ago by allowing him to still call and text. I’m now very uncomfy. He wants her on social media but not to text or call her, why keep her at all? I reached a breaking point and told him I hate him, he’s destroyed me mentally and emotionally. My love for him has turned into hate, and I regret being with him. That we’re done.
He hung up. I couldn’t hold it in. Threw some things in my room, ran outside, and sat in my dead car, crying for 3 hours. Now it’s the next day and I don’t even know how to feel, just drained.
I’m sorry…are you hear to vent or get advice?
Because I know, he know, and she knows that you know the answer already. But you are refusing so what are you looking for here?
I would have broken up with him 4,878 characters ago.
You’re wrong for thinking that that’s the solution to your problems. He does not respect you as a human being. Don’t you think that’s pretty important in a relationship?
Look I ain’t even read this. But a good friend once told me “if you say you don’t care then proceed to ramble on about it in anger, you care and that’s you showing it”. I feel like you’ve been in a constant position of accepting a hard to swallow truth. And it’s clear you’re not making progress standing your ground, especially when whatever progress made is not really lasting that long.
You’re in your 20s, it’s okay to be blinded my love some times so long as you don’t miss the in your face red flags. Move on dude you’ll be better off for it, whoever wants to be with you won’t flirt with old people or new people.