I (28F) visit my mom (55F) semi-requently, I keep distance and have learned not to share too many intimate details of my life with her.
Since I left college at 22, there has not been a single phone call, meal, or car ride where me not finishing school isn’t brought up. She consistently tells me I need to go back to college to be a teacher (her career) or “do something with yourself”…she doesn’t ever seem to get that it isn’t what I want to do, and it would actually be a financially irresponsible decision for me.
She does not offer to pay for my schooling, and when I tell her teachers don’t make enough money she tells me my long term plan should be to marry someone with money. This is what she did after my father died and she went back to school around 32yrs old. I currently work in the restaurant industry, and I make a fairly decent income (I made more than the average teacher salary in our state the past 2 years). I never tell her I need help financially, I don’t ask for assistance with anything from her.
Everytime we are together, she asks “So when are you thinking about starting back at school?” “Have you decided what degree you want to pursue” “Your clock is ticking” “You would have graduated by now, you have wasted so many years already”
It makes me feel like she doesn’t accept me for who I am, or refuses to see who I really am. When I have told her I would possibly go back to school for art or culinary things, which are my interests, she says those won’t get me anywhere and I shouldn’t go to school for a hobby.
At this point, I need to set a boundary with her and I am unsure of how to move forward with that. I am not the only one, my two older siblings both didn’t finish college and our younger sibling is enrolled and will likely be the first of us to finish. Which is awesome! But, she doesn’t seem to give my older brothers a hard time at all or even bring it up. They also have full time jobs like me and I don’t see what her problem is or why she feels the need to hammer this in to my head.
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TL;DR – mom gives me shit literally every conversation we have about not going to college, and I want her to stop and set a boundary but unsure of how
4 comments
You can say whatever you want, but considering her past behavior, I highly doubt words will mean anything. You have to be prepared to enforce the boundary.
So, I would tell her ONCE: “Mom, I’m done talking about not finishing college. From now on, that ends our conversation entirely.”
Start this on the phone, not in person. It will help you follow through. When she inevitably brings it up, you interrupt her, and say, “Oh, this is the end of the conversation. We’ll talk later, bye!”
And then you hang up. No waiting for her response, no negotiating, nothing. The conversation is over.
Expect an “extinction burst”. This will be a dramatic ramping UP of the behavior to test the boundary. You will have to do this several times. That’s why it is best to do this before an in person visit.
When you are in person, she will definitely try it again. You should think ahead and plan for this. When she does, you interrupt her and say the exact same thing as on the phone, but then you leave. Go to another room, and if she follows you, leave the house.
If she is physically aggressive about it – not allowing you to leave the room or the house, etc. – then you have a bigger problem than boundaries, and you need to start thinking more seriously about cutting contact.
Boundaries don’t control what she does, they control what consequences you choose to impose when she violates them.
Tell her ahead of time that you don’t want to discuss going back to school, and if she brings it up, you’re going to end the visit, end the phone call, stop texting, whatever. Then FOLLOW THROUGH.
Don’t JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain), because you’ve surely done that hundreds of times and she doesn’t stop. So stiffen your spine and stop submitting to it.
Well it might help to get mad about it, have you tried that? I solved this same problem by angrily telling my dad to stop asking me about it because it hurt my feelings and he never brought it up again. Sometimes it pays off to get a little rude with people who keep being rude.
If that doesn’t work straight away, you’re gonna have to enforce your boundary. Repeating: I told you not to ask me about this mom, I don’t want to talk about it. And if she persists: hang up, leave the room, direct your attention elsewhere. Don’t argue, justify, defend, explain yourself, it’s no use. You just simply are not gonna indulge her anymore.
“Mom, I do not want to talk about school or my career with you. If you continue to bring it up, I will have to end the conversation.”
Then when she continues, you hang up the phone, turn the car around, leave the table (bring cash to cover your tab so you can just leave).
Its going to feel awkward and uncomfortable. Thats okay. She may try to make you see her perspective and get even worse until you reinforce that boundary enough times that she finally stops.
Good luck!