For starters I used to be a very assertive kind back in the day. But as I grew up got bullied, got rejected and mocked my self esteem and confidence was really affected.
So I really struggle with how to express myself and stand up for myself.
Are there any recommendations on videos and materials that can help me learn to be more assertive?
Thank you in advance.
2 comments
Learn to fight. Find a martial art that does live sparring, then do that for a few years.
Hello.
First and foremost, you have to identify why you lack assertiveness. Is your problem a linguistic one? In other words, do you feel like you lack the words necessary to express yourself assertively? Or is it a confidence issue, as in- you understand what assertiveness looks like, but you’re not comfortable doing it?
If it’s simply a lack of know-how, then there are a few techniques you can use to help demonstrate assertiveness (body language; speaking clearly, concisely and directly; using certain language tricks; choosing your words intently). But if its a lack of confidence that prevents you from being assertive, you may need to address that first. Don’t get me wrong, you can “fake it til you make it” if you practice assertive techniques, but to be assertive means to confidently state and pursue what you want and/or believe, so actually being confident can be quite helpful (otherwise you’re just acting).
Since you mentioned that you lack confidence, I will assume that’s the problem. So ask yourself why you think you lack confidence.
Is it because you fear judgment from others, so you are not comfortable *expressing* your ideas, opinions, actions, etc.?
Is it because you fear confrontation, so you are not comfortable *defending* your ideas, opinions, actions, etc.?
Is it because you doubt yourself, so you do not truly *believe* in your ideas, opinions, actions, etc.?
If you were bullied as a kid, you likely have mental “scars”. Perhaps you learned not to speak up out of fear. Perhaps you learned to second-guess yourself cuz you were afraid of repercussions from those bullies… but if you did “learn” these traits, you have to “un-learn” them by changing your mindset. First, be realistic. If you are an adult, then it is unlikely people will beat you up they way bullies in school do. It can happen, but its unlikely because in the adult word that’s a crime lol… plus, if you show confidence, many bullies will not pick on you to begin with.
Furthermore, in the adult world, what most bullies do is use forceful language to intimidate you (more so that fists or feet). But you can become immune to that intimidation with some practice. And you can learn to deal with it respectfully by using the ‘right words’…
Additionally, there are other things you can do to start building your confidence- exercise is one. As another poster suggested, martial arts is also good. They’re not necessary, but if you are fearful of other’s physical aggression, they can help.
So to summarize, yes there are techniques you can use for assertive expression (i.e. practice eye contact, stand up straight, speak up/don’t mumble, take lead of a conversation/situation…), but you may also need to shift your mindset a bit. Think of yourself more as a ‘director in control of your own life’ than the ‘bullied kid’ you were in your youth. Easier said than done, I know. But it’s do-able.
And at the end of the day, practice makes perfect. You won’t magically become assertive overnight, but the more you present yourself confidently, the easier it will get.