My wife (33F) and I (34M) have been married for 3 years. On multiple occasions, I have observed that my wife applies a different moral standards to me compared to her family. While she is vocal about pointing out things I should or shouldn’t do, she tends to remain silent when her family engages in similar behavior.
For instance, during a recent grocery shopping trip, I didn’t push the cart back into the cart return because we were in a hurry, it was hot outside and we had ice cream in the car. Although I understand that it was the right thing to do and admittedly it would have only taken me a few seconds, in that moment I just wanted to get home quickly. My wife expressed her disapproval, took the car keys, and insisted that I return the cart before we could leave. I gave in and pushed the cart back.
A few days later, while shopping at the mall with my wife’s sister and husband, the same situation occurred, but this time it was her sister who didn’t push the cart back. Strangely, my wife didn’t say anything to her sister about it.
This pattern of behavior has become evident on multiple occasions, and it bothers me that my wife appears to apply double standards, treating me differently from her family. When I brought up my concerns with her, she responded by emphasizing that she is married to me, not her sister, implying that her sister’s actions are not relevant to our relationship because I’m the one she has to be with 24/7. However, I tried to convey that it’s not just about her sister specifically but rather about her willingness to set distinct expectations for me compared to her family. Despite my attempts to explain this, she remained adamant, continually repeating that she is married to me, not her sister. Is it ok that my wife holds me to different standards than she does her family? What are some ways (words I should use) to tell my wife that I don’t like how she sets double standards for me?
28 comments
It’s less of a double standard and more of a higher standard.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable
She didn’t marry her family, she married you, voluntarily. Not sure why you, as her partner in marriage and her housemate, expect to be placed at the same standard as a bunch of random people that live in other zip codes, that she just happens to share DNA with.
What your missing is shes married to you. My shit head brothers do outta pocket stuff all the time I don’t comment on it because not my business but if my husband started suddenly joining them I would have a issue.
I couldn’t get past your first example, lol what the hell you couldn’t put your cart back…I admittedly stopped reading and wondered to myself if this was a troll account with a purposeful bad example of lack of self awareness.
If it’s true then I still don’t blame your wife for saying something. Like she is married to you you are one, she can’t be responsible for her sister..
Also why the hell is no one in the family putting the cart back what the absolute hell
Are you 5? Why didn’t you put the cart back?
The difference with her sister is that her sister’s cart is not your wife’s cart. Her sister is not her partner and whatever her sister does does not reflect on her like what her husband does.
Your wife is right and you sound like a child more than a partner.
The shopping cart analogy is a bad example. I agree with your wife on this one.
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I have a really awful relationship with much of my family; it’s a pretty toxic situation.
But there is no picking and choosing for a lot of people within their family. To call out the bad ones, you can end up losing them all. She can ask you to be better without risking losing touch with the better behaved relatives she has because in a family, not everyone is ready to call the bad one, two, or three out and draw a line about their behavior, stand together about issues. A person might say ” I’m sick of dad’s or mom’s BS”, but maybe their brother, sister, cousins aren’t.
You aren’t an entire group of people.
There are a *ton* of things people do with their spouses they don’t do with their families and vice versa. It’s not a ‘double standard’; it’s a different relationship because family is for life whereas marriages are at-will
Do you have siblings?
People generally don’t choose their siblings. We can’t pressure them to act differently or to condone our preferred patterns of behavior or morals or whatever. We don’t expect them to behave in a way that completely aligns with our ideals and values, and we don’t behave in a way that would align with theirs.
Partners are very different from that. We have higher standards, higher expections for our partners. They are the people we do choose to be with. Who we share our lives with by choice and who we very often choose to live with. So of course we want them to be people who we can respect and who we can share same behavioral values with.
I don’t see it as a double standard. It’s just about different human relationships working in different ways.
She probably thinks you’re capable of more.
I have relatives that I don’t bother trying to change because it’s not worth my time and energy. Doesn’t help that my communication with them is more charged and unpleasant than with my immediate family. And more to the point, if I had to live with them, I’d probably end up saying more anyway. It’s much easier to ignore the habits of people you don’t live with.
Maybe the way she’s talking to you is annoying you. The two of you could find language (using humor? code? something that doesn’t rub you the wrong way?) to figure that part out. If you can’t work on that without getting charged up and unpleasant, maybe bring in a third person (yes, another therapist recommendation but in this case, it might only take a couple of sessions) to figure out happier modes of communication.
If your most pertinent example is you not putting back a shopping cart…
A lot of people here seem to agree with your wife. I do as well. We should hold our partners accountable in a different way then we do the rest of the family. We want our marriage to be the best it can be and grow together. So I agree with your wife in the sense that she should be able to expect more from you than from her family.
However, the whole “she took the keys and insisted I put the cart back” situation. I don’t know… Is that okay to do? Are you her child?
My family is all MAGA supporting nutjobs. It would be totally unacceptable if my wife was.
I’m gonna need more examples of the double standards.
The one you have given, simply tells me that your wife feels more comfortable with you than she does her sister. It’s not unreasonable for her to expect her chosen life partner to be at a higher standard that someone she had zero say in being related to.
You better believe I have higher expectations for my *life partner* than for anyone else, including my family. Life partnership (e.g., marriage) is a unique relationship and you really shouldn’t expect to compare it with any other relationship she has. Does she have to live with her sister and see her every day? Does she have to raise kids with her sister, including modeling good behavior? Does she have to include her sister in major life decisions, like where to live?
Do you see how when you fall short, it impacts her much more than when her sister does likewise?
I had an ex who complained all the time that he felt I held him to a higher standard than some of my friends. I told him that there were very good reasons why they were my friends and not candidates for a romantic relationship, that I’d chosen him specifically for a relationship because I believed he had qualities and virtues I value and don’t often find, and if he’d like to be held to my “friends” standard instead, we could be just friends. But he couldn’t be my partner if he wasn’t willing to step up the way I need a partner to do.
There are lots of things about your relationship that don’t apply to your wife’s sister. If you think about this for a second you’ll realize that’s a good thing.
She’s on your ass about this shit because she sees YOU as a reflection of HER, more so than her family.
My girlfriend is similar, and while I’d prefer she keep that energy with her family, it truly *is what it is*
I hold everyone in my life to a different standard from each other, based on how they relate to me. I would expect my standards to be different between my wife and my family. I would expect different standards between my friends and family, my wife and friends, coworkers and so on.
One is a mutual partnership of trust, respect, commitment… the other is just blood relatives I can drop from my life in a second notice if I have to.
You might have some good examples of these double standards, but the example you picked really isn’t doing you any favors.
What kind of barbarian doesn’t push their cart back?
Why do two grown adults need to be told to put their shopping carts back?
You’re basically asking “why can other people be lazy assholes and not me?”
Grow up.
Sorry, I’m with your wife on this. You should be better than her family because she’s living with you and married to you. You should want to be better and stop asking your wife to lower her standards for you. It may seem like small things, but it all adds up to bigger stuff.
so you want to be the type of person who doesnt push the cart back?
She’s holding you to a higher standard. She chose you to build a future with, and you’re being lazy about returning a cart. Imagine what she’s thinking.
If you’re not going to take five seconds to return a cart, what’s next? Towels on the floor instead of the hook? Dirty socks on the floor instead of the hamper? Not changing the baby’s diaper right away because you know she’ll be back in ten minutes? Not putting away leftovers while she’s giving the kids a bath because you want to get 5 extra min gaming before bed?
Be a better person. Rise to a higher standard. Why set yourself up to do the bare minimum?!
Don’t think of it has a double standard, but as her expectation. She’s married to you, not to the others. She has certain expectations of you, her husband, which is quite the blessing. Imagine the day she doesn’t expect anything of you.
Gotta be rage bait because you’re ridiculous person if you don’t return a shopping cart. She doesn’t bring it up with her family because she didn’t choose a relationship with them and does not have to face them every day of her life
My brother drinks most weekend and likes going to the titty bars. I listen to his stories of fun nights out and laugh along. If my husband did the same, I wouldn’t find it funny. My brother spent £3k on a dining table and I told him it looked lovely, if my husband did that then I’d tell him to return it! My brother vapes and it stinks but I don’t say anything, I sure as shit would have something to say if my husband pulled out a vape and blew out bubblegum smelling fumes into my dining room!
My brother being a moron doesn’t affect my life but if my husband did it then it would which is why I selected a husband who only does the amount of moronic stuff I can tolerate.
Your behavior – especially in the little moments – to her reflects your personal values and your character. And that isn’t a wrong connection to make.
She couldn’t choose her sister.
She did choose you.
She believes you have or have the capacity to be more kind. And she won’t accept a lack of thoughtfulness from the partner she spends her life with.
Not too much wrong with that.
And, of course she has different expectations of the man she chose to spend her life with than the people she can’t choose.
And to be clear here —- her expectation here is … 100% reasonable and thoughtful of someone else, it isn’t extreme.
And if she didn’t care then that means she’s cool with someone who can’t be bothered to put a cart away even if it helps a stranger because “it’s hot and they have ice cream”. Not to be an ass, but are you 13?
It’s a great thing she has higher standards than that for her partner.
Put the cart away.
She probably wouldn’t marry her sister.
She did marry you.